The pivotal moment in last night's episode of Under the Dome comes halfway through, when Julia Shumway comes and prays to me, the Dome. She doesn't actually get on her knees, which displeases me. But she does beg for one last chance. And then... I look at her, and go "Nah."

Spoilers ahead...

There's a LOT going on in this episode of Under the Dome that you'll never understand without getting my perspective on it. Because I'm the Dome, and it's my show. The humans on this show are just there to run around and make adorable pouty faces as they argue about science versus religion, and whether magic is quantum! or quantum! is magic. The humans basically don't affect anything on this show, and it's sort of sweet when they think they do.


So from the perspective of a random human watching this show at the human level, here's what happens in last night's episode:

1) Barbie convinces his dad to bring back my magic egg to me, because they think the magic egg is my power source. (It's actually just a fun tchotchke. My real power source is a herd of giant pink hamsters, running around a nearby field in the town of Burt's Plough, Maine.) As soon as Barbie Sr. agrees to bring back the egg, I stop contracting and Melanie comes back to life. But once Barbie Sr. picks up the egg and gets held at gunpoint by his own men, I get pissed and Melanie gets worse again.

2) Big Jim emotionally blackmails his (ex?) wife Pauline into making another prophetic painting and she paints a canvas about all eight hands (including the dead Angie) healing Melanie. But Pauline also gets blood on another canvas, and winds up getting stabbed by Crazy Lyle. Pauline is enjoying kissing Big Jim so much, she doesn't even notice she's been fatally stabbed. Big Jim stabs Lyle back. Meanwhile, the "eight hands" thing works, because quantum!, and Melanie is healed... but then she's swallowed up by a sinkhole. I am a mean Dome, and I giveth and taketh away, yadda yadda.


3) Big Jim and Pauline get back together again, for no reason that I can see from my lofty vantage point, except to make it more tragic when she gets stabbified at the end.

4) Joe almost grabs a gun, and Norrie talks him out of it, in the episode's one great scene.


5) Rebecca Pine is having her ongoing "science vs. magic" kerfuffle, even when she finds out Melanie was dead for 25 years. She has intensely dreary conversations with Julia and Sam, both of whom basically say that some questions have no answer. Basically whenever you see a "science versus faith" debate on television, science is probably going to lose or at least have some kind of a pyrrhic draw. In the end, Rebecca buys into the "magical healing ceremony" thing, but she supplies the magic quantum! that makes everything work. So yay?

OK, so all of that is pretty confusing, and I was there. I'm the freaking Dome, and I don't understand any of what I just wrote. I guess they didn't get back the egg, but they still healed Melanie using a laying-on of hands, but there had to be a sacrifice, via sinkhole and also stabbery. Yeah?

But actually, the reason why none of that makes sense is because you don't even know half of what was happening during this episode. Here's what was actually happening:

1) I was contracting around Chester's Mill because I was feeling really dirty, and there's that huge lake just sitting there. Did you ever have an itch that you couldn't scratch? That's what that was like. I had this one smudge of birdshit that was driving me nuts. So I had to first rotate and then contract to wipe it off.


2) Did you notice that the amount of acoustic guitar music was way up in this episode? There was a lot of people sitting around while acoustic guitar plays mournfully. And who do you think made the acoustics so perfect, by shrinking slightly? You're welcome.

3) There are actually a few other domes, that are mostly smaller. There's a dome over the men's restroom at the Snohomish National Game Reserve in Wyatt, KY, and three people have been trapped inside for weeks — Every now and then one of them flushes something that amuses me, and I expand slightly. They're living off mice and bugs. They're way better painters than Pauline, although they have worse art supplies.


4) I look HILARIOUS from space. That's the main thing. It's an alien joke, that you humans wouldn't get. The red rain, the butterfly thing, the magnetism and the rotating/shrinking action are all the punchlines to different jokes on the planet that sent me.

5) Rebecca is right, and quantum! really is magic. All of the people inside me are both dead and alive, like Schrodinger's cat. Also, if you say "quantum!" backwards, it's "!mutnauq," which is the name of the town where another one of the other Domes is. Also, Julia's prayers were not answered because she didn't stand on one foot and spin around three times — that was specifically mentioned in one of Pauline's paintings, but she did that one on a restaurant placemat, so maybe nobody saw it.


Does that make things clearer? I sure hope so.