​You can't avoid your problems if your problems are killer werewolves

Illustration for article titled ​You cant avoid your problems if your problems are killer werewolves

This is the Bitten episode where Elena and the Pack learn that someone is turning psychotic serial killers into werewolves and sending them to fuck with the Danvers family. Somehow, this wasn't as big a deal as it should be.

To be fair, Jeremy decides the Pack needs to take a day to mourn Pete instead of chasing after the asshole(s) who murdered him, which seems like a bad use of the Pack's time, but he's the boss, so whatever. And Elena is quite reasonably pissed at the delay.

Maybe it wouldn't be so awkward if they actually spent the day, you know, mourning Pete. Instead, we get a half-assed, two-minute wake where everybody sounds like they're Pete's co-workers instead of family members. And then the rest of the time they do other stuff: Jeremy feels guilty because he's in charge. Elena and Clay go for a run and Clay-wolf appears to mount Elena-wolf, except they're in the missionary position, and it's super-weird. The sheriff asks the old sheriff some questions about the Danvers family (his sum knowledge: They're weird). And least necessary of all, Dull-friend talks with his awful little sister about his and Elena's relationship.


That's about the first 30 minutes, and then it's finally time for action… by sending Elena and Clay to "assess how the locals are feeling" which mostly consists of them hanging out in a diner and using super-wolf-hearing to eavesdrop on people. Once they leave, though, Elena catches the Mutt's scent, and follows it to a motel where a convenient scrapbook of the newspaper clippings of Mutt's many, many brutal murders (pre- and post-wolfing, I presume) clues Elena in that someone is turning serial killers into werewolves on purpose, and then sending them to Bear Valley.

Elena and Clay are still ransacking the room when Serial Killwolf #2 arrives, with noted troublemaking Mutt Zachary Cain (I'm pretty sure he was mentioned during Elena's "research") as well as James Marsten, the obviously untrustworthy Mutt that Nick, Logan and Peter asked for info last week. (He was untrustworthy! What are the odds?!) The Mutts notice their scents on the walkway, but Elena cleverly bombs the room with Killwolf's body spray, rendering them unable to smell anything else, and allowing Elena and Clay to escape. Using body spray is a rookie Mutt mistake, according to Clay, which strikes me as deeply hilarious for some reason.

The Pack reconvenes, where they restate the stakes: These Mutts want to kill everyone in the Pack. If the Pack isn't around to enforce the laws, the Mutts can go wild. If the Mutts go wild, the humans will find out about werewolves and then "Humans will do what humans do best… WAR." And one side or the other will die. WE'RE TALKING COMPLETE GENOCIDE HERE, PEOPLE. No wonder Jeremy wanted to wait a day before beginning the hunt.

So now the real hunt is on, not just the fact-finding hunt, and the Pack surrounds Killwolf #2's motel room, as if the dude didn't know Clay and Elena had already been in there, between their previous scents and the fact that they took his scrapbook. So all they find is a door rigged with a booby trap, a rather rude threat from Killwolf to Elena scrawled on the wall, and one of Pete's missing fingers in a shot glass. So now the hunt is really on you guys, I'm super-serious this time!


Oh, last but not least: A Mutt named Daniel Santos accosts Logan on the way to speak at a psychology conference, offering to team up with the Pack to fight this new, organized menace. He was apparently once a member of the Pack, and also Clay apparently killed his brother. He seems like a lot of fun — no joke, he has a personality and a dark sense of humor and isn't dour like everyone else — so I'm looking forward to him joining Team Kill Killwolf. Oh, the guy playing Daniel looks like the lovechild of Cillian Murphy, the guy that played Moriarty on Sherlock, and the guy who plays Ramsay Snow on Game of Thrones. I'm sure that's not going to lead to any trouble…

Illustration for article titled ​You cant avoid your problems if your problems are killer werewolves

Assorted Musings:

• Update: Thanks to a mention of "the other Pack families" in this episode and some help from the eight people reading these recaps, I have learned that there are more Packs out there. So new question: Is there an Alpha of Alphas? Is there a dude in charge of all the Packs?


• I like the amped-up colors that indicate the wolf-vision; it's noticeable without being overbearing.

• This episode was full of wonderfully awful lines. "Pete tried to spread his love." "This is stirring up emotions in me that I never really understood as a 5-year-old!" No shit, Elena.


• I can't describe how weird and awkward that weird wolf-hug Clay gave Elena during their run. I knew it wasn't happening, but it looked for all the world like I was about to watch a wolf rape another wolf.

• Addendum: Why the hell did Clay and Elena decide to spend the night on the ground, in the forest, naked, as humans? Even if being in wolf form wouldn't be more comfortable — although I'm pretty sure it would — wouldn't it be worth staying as wolves so you weren't just laying naked on sticks, rocks and leaves?


• Addendum to the addendum: Elena, you couldn't manage to put your shirt and bra on during your no doubt lengthy walk back to the house? And Clay, you couldn't be bothered to dress at all? Clearly random, public nudity is almost as much of a taboo among werewolves as it is for regular humans, based on Nick's complaining — is it really so hard to take 60 seconds to put your damn clothes on so your family members don't see your dick in the foyer?

• DULL BOYFRIEND'S VODKA CAMPAIGN UPDATE: It's going well, apparently. Whew!

• Seriously, every scene that focuses on Ellen'a dull boyfriend just enrages me with its narrative uselessness. And his sister is even worse, because her sole personality trait is being awful. Listen to her describe her "Wednesday" meal, and just try not to slap her through your television screen.


• When the Pack meets up up for the final briefing, they're looking at photos of Zachary Kane, Martsen and Serial Killwolf… from when they were talking earlier. When Clay and Elena were watching them. Without any kind of evident photographic equipment. I'm 99% sure the "photos" are actually stills for the footage. Hee hee.

• How is Killwolf not a comic superhero from the '90s?


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Craig Michael Ranapia

Elena and Clay go for a run and Clay-wolf appears to mount Elena-wolf, except they're in the missionary position, and it's super-weird.

So weird. If dong-concealing doggy-style is the official gratuitously nonsensical sex position of Westeros and Environs, surely... you know... werewolves could manage it without undue trauma?