Witches of East End promised death this week, and yet, somehow, it wasn't at all fulfilling. It was diet death: Half the calories, half the taste. It was so light on the promised drama, we instead got a lot of slow-mo.

Seriously, there was a lot of slow motion magic, power walking, and fighting this week. It was like they wrote all the climaxes and were all "Oh, we're still five minutes light. Just slow some shit down, that'll get us to an hour."

How long do you think we can stretch this? I don't know, how long is that corridor?

Take a look at this promo:

It tells you that "Someone will die." This, while trying to drum up drama for this particular episode, manages to leech any from next week's. Why? Because we got a lot of possible deaths this episode, and two of them really looks permanent. So, assuming the advertising didn't lie (hahahahahaha, I know, I'm a naive simpleton. Also, with two deaths looking real, it's ALREADY A LIE), we know no one's really in danger.

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Spoilers now...

Man, fuck this whole "Smells Like King Spirit" (UGH) episode with a rusty spoon. I was already not feeling a lot of this season's plots, and this just shot my interest all to hell. Let's take everything in dumb order:

1: Killian, Eva, and Freya

Anyone else have certain song lyrics that score their life? I have a tendency to sing "There are no cats in America, and the streets are paved with CHEEEESE!" whenever I've run out of something. And for this plot, I get that stupid "I DON'T CARE" chorus from Fall Out Boy's (SHUT UP, OK?) "I Don't Care" stuck in my head. Because I don't. CERN could spend decades searching for the theoretical particle representing my caring of this plot and never find it. NEVER.

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Freya breaks into Eva and Killian's place to figure out what Eva's doing to make Killian not love her as she should. The only funny bit here was the part where Ingrid says it's stalking, and Freya says it's not "creepy stalking" only to realize that it is. Left out of this conversation is Ingrid's, "You think you have it bad? I just slept with Dash, and now I'm pretty sure he's on a path to evil."

She's interrupted by Eva's grandmother/daughter, who fires magic at her. This apparently stresses her out so much, she dies. This leaves Eva screwed, because, as she infodumps to Killian, she met a warlock who gave her power and eternal life and youth so long as she kept bearing magical babies. And as long as she got pregnant before the current child died. With her daughter dead, Eva ages and dies. LOVE TRIANGLE DISPENSED WITH.

So if Eva's the "Someone will die" part, let out a big breath of relief, nothing else that happens matters here.

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2. Dash, Ingrid, and Killian

In his anger, Dash finds breaks open a box, revealing the journals of his grandfather. Which are written in different languages, except, apparently, the "I'm totally boning Ingrid" parts. Ingrid explains the past lives, taking care to mention that Dash's mother was already born when she hooked up with her father.

I do like some of their exchanges:

Dash: How old are you?

Ingrid: Now that is a very rude question.

Ingrid: Our mother is cursed, she never dies. She just keeps giving birth to us, again and again.

Dash: I think my head just exploded.

Dash: So you were sleeping with my grandfather?

Ingrid: Yes, but when I met him your mother was already ten years old so there's no way —

Dash: Oh good. That's great. I'm so relieved to know I didn't have sex with my grandmother last night.

Ingrid: Dash, I told you, that was a different version of me anyway.

Dash: That doesn't make it better!

Ingrid realizes that covering up a death with Dash is repeat of the pattern that killed her with his grandfather. Dash is all "I'm not evil!" So Ingrid tells him to prove it by burning his father's journals and to come clean with Killian about that time he flung him into a boat.

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That... goes poorly. Killian's just gone from the deathbed revelations of his wife and her mind control spells to the his brother being like "So, that time you can't remember? I was really angry about you and my fiancee, so I magicked you into a boat." They have a pretty epic fight, ending with them both bloodied on the floor. It features the return of Dash as Lightning Fists and the debut of Killian as Shimmering Force Field guy. Also, the glass holding the spell that's keeping Ingrid and Dash's covered up murder covered up breaks, bringing it up from the bottom of the ocean.

Slow-mo brother fight!

I'm betting these two aren't the ones who die.

3. The King Plot

Frederick doesn't go through with putting his grandfather into his girlfriend (not a euphemism). That angers Tarkoff, who goes looking for another host. He spins the plot roulette wheel and chooses Tommy the EMT.

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Meanwhile, Frederick comes clean to the rest of the family and they're pissed. Wendy and Joanna plan to use a magic scorpion they came up with: One sting incapacitates, the second kills. The third disintegrates ... wait, no. That's the Goa'uld gun on Stargate. My bad.

Slow-mo magic scorpion. This one went on forever, it was like a Matrix-style bullet time scene. Scorpion time.

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They leave Frederick with his one sting locked in the house and go after Tarkoff. TOO LATE! He's put Frederick's grandfather into Tommy (Still not a euphemism) and really just wants Joanna to love him. She, given everything, is not on board. He gets away heads to the Beauchamp house to crow about it to Frederick. James Marsden really puts the crazy of this whole plot into perspective with: "Frederick! We've finally found the vessel. It's time to prepare for the king's arrival. I'm sure your grandfather's willing to let bygones be bygones. You're not still mad because I beat the living shit out of you, are you?"

He is. And he gets Tarkoff with the stinger once and then feeds it to him. So he's dead, I guess. So maybe he's the "Someone will die"? Tarkoff's last words are "I left you a present in the garden."

His present is Freya and Ingrid's hanged bodies. I will give the show this: It looked appropriately horrible. But as I highly doubt they're staying dead, it loses something in the impact.

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To recap:

Dead: Eva, Tarkoff

Dead-in-waiting: Tommy (possessed), Frederick (planning to kill himself after taking out the host so his grandfather will be permadead)

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Not dead, but injured: Killian, Dash

NOT AT ALL DEAD (but we're supposed to worry anyway): Freya and Ingrid

Next week: The undeadening of Freya and Ingrid, probably.

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