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Witches of East End pauses its soap opera for a brief fishnado

Episode three of Witches of East End felt like filler, but it was kind of fluffy delicious filler—the gooey marshmallow of this show's overloaded s'more. Plus, we got to experience the wonders of torrential fish.


Yes, I know I'm late with this. Unfortunately, I was traveling last week and didn't get a chance to watch episode three until now. Fortunately, I own a DVR. (By the way, did anyone else catch the little mini-marathon Lifetime did of this show on Friday? All three episodes, back-to-back and then repeated. Lifetime really wants this show to be a thing.)

This episode moved Witches of East End's bazillion plotlines forward barely a millimeter, and yet it was the best. When it starts, Joanna's still not on board her daughters learning about their magic, but Wendy completely is. So she takes Ingrid and Freya to a lake to teach them. There we learn that Wendy's magic is all about instinct, Ingrid's is all genius brainpower, Freya's is all about emotion, and Joanna is the uberwitch, capable of anything. At this moment, the show becomes brilliant, because Ingrid's attempt to do magic results in a fishnado.


I could watch that gif all day. This episode had a lot of these kinds of moments: over-the-top, hilarious-on-purpose, camp. And they worked! They really did.

Like Ingrid going on a date with the dude who was interrogating her mother an episode ago. He says that because he's friends with Ingrid, he's off the case, but things are still awkward, because during their date they argue about her mother's innocence. They sort of get over it later, but that's not a small difference of opinion. When he asks her out Ingrid says, "Won't that be weird, you arrested my mom?" So stupid, yet charmingly aware of it.

But the best moment of this show was a series of flashbacks showing Joanna as a merry serial killer. No. Really. In trying to figure out who wants to kill her, Joanna gets out her box of murder memories. She takes objects out, and each one triggers a memory. Julia Ormond NAILS the expressions in these flashbacks, which can only be expressed in GIF form.

There's smug-just-poisoned-you flapper:


Enjoy-your-flight Victorian(?):


And giddy-boarding-someone-up-alive woman from an indeterminate era:


All of these stories, please. This Joanna is so much more fun than the art-teacher-earth-mother one first introduced. Possibly homicidal, but more in the vein of a campy witch show. This Joanna you can believe is sisters with Wendy. (Best Wendy moment this week goes to her gasp at the phrase "shoving that cat back in the bag.")

Also fully on the ball this week is the production designer and set decorator who created the shapeshifter's stalker den. Crazy walls of photos? Check. Skulls and candles? Check. Creepy dolls? CHECK.

Illustration for article titled emWitches of East End/em pauses its soap opera for a brief fishnado

If this show just doubles down on all of these things, I'm completely on board. It needs to just go for it with the abandon of a Sleepy Hollow or a Dracula.


Sadly, what I really want, I will never get. I want Wendy to crossover with all the supernatural shows set in New Orleans this year. This week mentioned again that she's just come from there. I want her just passing Klaus on the street of The Originals. Or being eaten by a crocodile in American Horror Story.

In plotlines that aren't interesting, Freya's still all stuck in the love triangle that will likely never end. Which is stupid, because it's clear that rich Doctor Without Borders is not for her. Freya's magic is located in her "emotions," remember? Which really means "her vagina," because she's pitiful at it until she stares into the eyes of Killian.


Almost as subtle as the blooming and exploding roses in the premiere. Just give up, Freya, your magic's already cast its vote.


In actual plot point, Killian slept with his brother's fiancée five years ago, and has apparently just been sleeping with all of Dash's girlfriends. Also Dash did something after the wedding got called off, but we don't know what yet. Yawn. Still don't care. (Sidenote: Where's Virginia Madsen been as their mother? She's only been in like three minutes of this show.)

Ingrid tries to spell away the upcoming death of a loved one she caused. She fails. Shapeshifter attacks Joanna; Freya tries to spell a knife at it. She succeeds. They resolve to be a united, witchy, family from now on. And the episode ends by showing us the Shapeshifter, who is, I believe, Taggart from Eureka.

Illustration for article titled emWitches of East End/em pauses its soap opera for a brief fishnado

The only thing slightly distracting was that the show would set up a lot of heavy plot points and left things like Joanna's murder charge hanging. That niggled, especially at the more boring *cough* Freya's love life *cough* parts. But when I was watching a bevy of CGI fish fly at the camera, I had hope for actually enjoying this show.


Also providing hope? Freddie Prinze, Jr. showing up tonight. Twelve year-old me is really excited for that.

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The animal in a whirlwind thing is so overdone.

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