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Witches of East End Is Just a Horror Movie Now

Illustration for article titled emWitches of East End/em Is Just a Horror Movie Now

There are creatures stalking the night. There are ritual murders. But mostly? There's sex, followed by disaster.

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Spoilers...

Hey everyone! Remember during the season premiere when we all thought Wendy was going to hook up with the EMT immediately? And all of you mocked me for thinking it would take as long as four episodes for that to happen? HAHAHAHA. Episode eight. It took until episode eight. And since he was missing for so many episodes, it took me until now to remember his name was Tommy.

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Tommy pops up just in time to catch Wendy turning from a cat back into a person. He says Joanna let him in. Now, to throw a little shade, Joanna tells Wendy she has to wipe Tommy's memory and never see him again to keep their secret safe. Just saying that if Joanna hadn't just let the normal wander their magical house all alone, none of this would have happened.

Illustration for article titled emWitches of East End/em Is Just a Horror Movie Now

The look of a man who just saw an awful CGI cat effect.

Wendy decides against this route. She magics a fake Bali for her and Tommy to have sex in. And then she just makes him promise he won't tell anyone about her being a witch. That's going to be a disaster.

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Illustration for article titled emWitches of East End/em Is Just a Horror Movie Now

Meanwhile, Ingrid finds Dash with a woman. Given what comes next, this was a completely unneeded obstacle. Dash calls over and over to apologize and tell Ingrid that she's the only who means anything. Now, in a normal situation, I would be calling her an idiot. But as I don't care about any other couple in this show, I'm still kind of rooting for these crazy kids. (Dash is literally crazy, by the way.)

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While Wendy and Tommy are "visiting Bali," Ingrid and Dash are sexing it up in front of a fire. Then Ingrid finds out that Dash is less "tragically accidental murderer" and more "Why deal with a problem when killing is so much easier?" kind of person. This already is a total disaster.

Illustration for article titled emWitches of East End/em Is Just a Horror Movie Now
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Killian appears to be shaking off Eva's love/memory magic quicker and quicker. And it looks like Frederick knew him in another life, and he was not a good guy. Well, that's better than the boring one he is now. He's just sober enough to realize that he loves Freya (who has finally lived to be 30! Woo! The fact that it was her birthday had nothing to do with the plot) and that his sudden marriage to Eva was not because he really loved her.

They have sex on a rug in the garden behind the bar. Killian then says he's going to break it off with Eva and come back to her. Eva's being visited by her "grandmother" who, we discover when Eva cradles the old woman, is actually her daughter. The woman says she won't die until Eva has a new baby, and clearly Eva needs a child for ... something. Probably to do with her eternal youth. (Which, if you realize that Bianca Lawson has been playing high schoolers for nearly two decades, seems more like truth than anything else). This subtitle, and my hatred for Killian and Freya, did briefly make me Team Eva. I'll admit.

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Illustration for article titled emWitches of East End/em Is Just a Horror Movie Now

Because she needs a baby from Killian, she's not going to let him leave. She doses him again and he tells Freya he's not leaving Eva. This is supposed to be a disaster, but I still don't care about Freya and Killian,

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Last in the disaster-sex race is Frederick, who still needs to find someone who can take the king's mark and the king's spirit out of him. Tarkoff suggests finding someone who trusts him, that the failure is that all the other subjects were terrified and fighting the magic. So Frederick's girlfriend, introduced just last week and is being fridged immediately, is blindfolded and tied to the bed for a "sensual massage." She tells Frederick she loves him, and he says it back as he carves the symbol into her. Grand dad may not want to be inside a young woman, but that's the least of their problems. The episode ends before Frederick finishes, so this is mid-disaster.

Illustration for article titled emWitches of East End/em Is Just a Horror Movie Now
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And last, Tarkoff tells Joanna he always loved her. They do not have sex, so call this a disaster-in-waiting.

Every thread from last week was aptly followed up this week. All the relationships advance in very horrible ways. Given the disaster sure to follow these hook-ups, do we have an order for deaths? I'm betting Frederick's girl, Tommy, Dash, Tarkoff, and Killian (who is the worst) actually surviving. Because true love.

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But the new characters are absolutely dead men walking.

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DISCUSSION

They have sex on a rug in the garden behind the bar. Thanks for this, because I couldn't figure out where they were. "Where did that mattress come from? Why are there candles around them? Are they seriously screwing in a wide open space behind a bar? Near a birthday party?"

And I'm still convinced that the Freya Killian slept in was Eva in disguise. Freya left, disgusted and in tears, but one second later comes back. I wouldn't be surprised if it was Eva, hoping to cash in on some soulmate sex. Also, why didn't Killian ask Freya for help? He's being drugged, raped, and has a message from his past self warning him that he's being abused. Why not ask his fellow witch for help instead of waxing and waning about their forbidden love?

The promo for the next episode claimed that "In the last two minutes, someone. Will. Die." Suuure. Ten bucks says it's that telepath, Tony/Tommy/Tomcat/EMT dude, or Wendy's random ex-hubby that we saw some episodes ago and didn't hear a peep out of since.