This week, Once Upon A Time rewrites Peter Pan, to create some kind of horrifying pedo shadow nightmare. However, we're not quite as concerned with Peter Pan's backstory, as much as with this whole new terrible science vs. magic plot. Because it's the worst. Spoilers ahead...

Big thumbs up to the Darling storyline. I liked that Bae is this horrible do-gooder "no, your family is awesome, don't go to the magical world where you can fly" kid. I believe that โ€” he's kind of a wet blanket as a child. Wendy is enchanting, as are all doe-eyed, blond haired, British accented babies. I feel a bit bad for Bae โ€” but perhaps his stay in Neverland will make him into the much more interesting Neal character we now know. Also how old does this reveal make Neal? 130?

More importantly, a new terrible plotline is rolled out and dusted off from the shelf of insufferable tropes. SCIENCE VS. MAGIC. Magic is represented as actual fucking magic. Meanwhile science is represented as torture, thanks to Owen and Tamara. It's very important for T and O to rid the world of magic. You know this, because the two of them announce the importance of their cause no less than one million times. It's their cause, the cause, the cause? Why the cause? Because because because because because!!! Because of the wonderful things she does! But seriously, it's because The Queen killed Owen's dad and as for Tamara, we don't know. Who cares โ€” she was invented so this could happen:

So Tamara throws a magic bean on the floor, and Neal gets sucked into another world.


I felt very sad for Emma, because anyone she has feelings for gets zapped to another universe or turned into a ginger monster child. That said, there's NO WAY Neal is dead. You aren't dead on this show until they burn your body, taze the carcass and then bury it under a tornado. Neal is not dead. No way. My guess? He'll be waiting in the Enchanted Forest for Emma to come home โ€” BUT (this is a guess of course) Emma won't be able to come home in the finale. She'll sacrifice herself, so Snow and friends can cross over, and she and Henry will be DOOMED to normalcy forever. These two are like Sun and Jin of fairy tale land, but only one of them is likable.

But more importantly, who is this person that both Tamara and Owen were working for? And how hilarious is it when Captain Hook, THE PIRATE, asks them who their boss is, and their response is "WHO CARES, THE CAUSE!!!!" Idiots. Any bets on who their boss REALLY is? My guess? Someone from Wonderland.


Meanwhile, these two are getting off all over the street, and beating up random characters that we've long since forgotten. It's all very "LOOK AT ME GETTING OFF." And it's kind of gross. While I like evil Belle, or Lacey or whatever โ€” and I like how she brings the bad out of Rumps โ€” I do not like all of this "oooOOHH Ho Ho step on his face, now kick him a little... NOW KILL ALL OF THESE ORPHANS YES, YES, THAT'S IT!" Power is sexy, but I think Evil Belle is way more into this than she's letting on. I mean if Rumple kicking some guy's face is hot, I wonder what she would have done had she seen the pile of bodies the Queen's army created in the last episode? Either way, it's infinitely more interesting than their burger dates, so I'm still considering this cruise factor an upgrade.

Aaaand that's it! Snow White saves the Queen's life, because it was apparently her turn. They certainly save each other a lot, don't they?

Taking your guesses for the anti-magic boss now.