Where the hell are my goddamned adult Underoos?

Illustration for article titled Where the hell are my goddamned adult Underoos?

It’s a pretty fine time to be a nerd. We have an abundance of big-budget superhero movies, we have some phenomenal scifi and fantasy TV, and you can pretty much get a toy of anything. But there’s one major discrepancy in this cornucopia of nerdy delights, and it’s in my underwear drawer. Where the fuck are my adult Underoos?


Some of you remember Underoos, and if you do you’re equally perturbed at their modern absence, because there’s literally no one who doesn’t like Underoos. But for everybody else: Underoos were sets of shirts and briefs sold by Fruit of the Loom that were covered in superheroes like Batman, Spider-Man and Wonder Woman, popular cartoons like He-Man and Gobots and movies and shows like Star Wars, The Dukes of Hazzard, and more. They were completely awesome, and made running around in your underwear a favorite pastime of the children of the last '70s and early ‘80s.

Cut to 2013: Nerd culture dominates the pop culture landscape like never before. People of all races, genders, ages and whatevers love these characters and properties like never before. Plenty of stores actually sell specially-branded shirts and underwear to children and adults, to men and women, and that includes Fruit of the Loom. But there are no official Underoos.

This is bullshit. Fruit of the Loom, you are leaving giant piles of money on the table, and if I were a shareholder I would come into your office and beat your executives until Underoos came out. First of all, people remember and love Underoos; they love the brand, hell, thet love the name (say “underoos” out loud. It’s weirdly fun). The nostalgia that drives the pop culture product market would ensure countless sales.


Second, given the popularity of nerd culture nowadays, you’d have countless choices to stick on the shirts and underpants of today. The Avengers. Hawkeye and Black Widow. Hell, the Transformers and G.I. Joe movies. Shows like Game of Thrones, Supernatural, Arrow, etc. Open it up to videogames and the list is practically infinite.

Third, adults will buy these things, men and women alike. And children too, obviously. You don’t have to keep the girls’ sets to Wonder Woman, Daisy Duke and Barbie, like you did in the '80s, because they’re all fans of Batman and Star Wars and videogames and everything else now, too. And hell, there are more than a few guys that would happily pony up cash for a set of adult male Wonder Woman-branded Underoos, and yeah, maybe they want it for creepy purposes but the idea is still sound, dammit!

And don’t tell me that you already market pop culture-themed shirts and underwear, because I know you do. They sell pretty damn well, don’t they? Now, imagine that you sold the shirts and underpants together. Imagine that you don’t just stick Batman’s face on the buttchecks, but instead make in an underwear-themed replica of his costume. Now imagine that you called them Underoos again, bringing back the name and the brand for the nostalgia craze adult market — and then imagine you making a fuck-ton of money, from people of all ages, genders, races and creeds, because that’s what you would do.

There has never been a better time or a bigger, more receptive audience for Underoos than there is right now, and that includes the ‘80s when making Underoos was a license to print money. We want them. I want them. We have the disposable income. And god knows we need underwear. Fruit of the Loom, you have a responsibility to your shareholders, the free market, and the human race to bring back Underoos to the masses. Please, cover your butts by helping us cover ours.


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Jane, you ignorant slut.

The underwear companies are doing you a favor by refusing to allow you even the possibility of being seen in underwear that only an adult baby fetishist could find attractive.

Not that all underwear is meant to be sexy. But one should avoid underwear that makes you look like a little kid.

Unless you're into that sort of thing.