I prefer anthropomorphic turtles that sing in elevators and start rock bands.
Image: Nickelodeon (YouTube)

Are you ready to go ninja, go ninja, go... throw your laptop into the sewer? Nickelodeon has a surprise 30 years in the making: A montage of actual turtles singing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles theme song. If you thought it was going to be righteous reptiles jamming with Vanilla Ice, I’ve got some bad news.

Okay, before the Turtle Owners Association of America (or whatever it’s called) comes to accost me, tiny turtle-sized pitchforks in hand, let me remind you: Turtles may be cute, but they’re also terrifying. They’ve got weird giant sex organs, some of them have giant maws with rows of razor-sharp spine teeth, and their mating sounds were used to create Jurassic Park’s raptor screams. So yeah, having a giant chorus of them screech at me about how a rat taught them to be weapon-wielding ninjas... I’m sleeping with one eye open tonight.

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I warn you: Once you hear this one-minute journey into the abyss, there’s no going back.