What the Princess Says When She Buys Her Gelded Pirate Slave

Ice Pirates is one of those movies that keeps on giving in all the ways you want from an early-1980s B movie about, well, a ship of sword-wielding pirates. The "ice" part is because they steal frozen water in a universe of thirsty, resource-depleted planets. I cannot do justice in words to the mind-blanking whatever of this clip, where the captured pirates are "processed" into gelded servants — and then rescued surreptitiously by a shiny, disco princess. It's Ultra Reagan Era, including a moment of pre-PC "race humor." But wait, there's more! The flick features appearances from a strangely hunky Ron "Hellboy" Perlman, and a seriously droolworthy silver-bikini'd Angelica Huston looking very Siouxie Sioux. There are a ton of gratuitous space sword fights, junior high sex humor (yay!), an appropriately cheesy quest for the missing, watery "lost planet," and (goofiest of all) the party scenes where people "get high" by shooting themselves with electricity and floating on the ceiling. You probably didn't realize that there was some serious steampunk swashbuckling in early 80s movies — or that it looked like the movie equivalent of Adam Ant. Except with skintight white bodysuits. [Ice Pirates via IMDB]


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Dr Emilio Lizardo

My friends and I just loved this movie when we were in high school. it came out the same summer as Buckaroo Banzai. What a great year.