Over at The Toast, Mallory Ortberg adds to her ongoing alt-history series of movies, books and TV shows penned by Objectivist Ayn Rand (previously). The results are characteristically superb.

Exhibit A:

XANDER: You won't be alone. We're coming with you.

BUFFY: What could you possibly do for me?

XANDER: I –

BUFFY: For true friendship to flourish, there must be a measure of mutual respect and equality. You are not my equal. You have only ever slowed me down.

XANDER: Buffy, I — Oh, God –

BUFFY: See how easily I broke your leg just now? I could never break the leg of someone I truly respected.

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Dammit, these are amazing. Go read them.

H/t Lauren