Watching Once Upon A Time's Mr. Gold cut off his own shadow is awesome

Although not a lot of anything happened on Once last night, there was one completely bananas awesome scene, in which Rumpelstiltskin slices off his own shadow. And it was awesome.

Spoilers ahead...

I was very disappointed with last night's Once Upon A Time — which was seemingly about yelling into a magic map for an hour. See, some people want you to think that this episode was about accepting who you really are inside, your inner fairytale person. But it wasn't. Because we are all educated humans who have been watching this show for many, many episodes and we already know that Snow White is going to be a great ruler and that the Rumps is afraid of his cowardice — and last week we learned that Emma's super power is motherhood (which OK?). So we're all full up on character emotion building for right now.


But that's too bad because we're going to waste perfectly awesome shadow-slicing time on talking about who Emma is. SURPRISE, WHO SHE IS IS AN ORPHAN (again, this show has serious adoption issues). Emma meets Peter Pan, and he gives her a character-building map that will only work once she figure out who she really is. Why is Pan doing this? This weird exercise in self discovery doesn't really FEEL like he's the evil little child demon everyone has been screaming about. In fact this feels like helping, and even if it's not giving someone a map isn't really so vile. But time marches on, and so does this group.

After a collection of flashbacks to the Enchanted Forrest that reveal absolutely nothing we didn't already know, Rumps is sent on some spirit walk with a vision of Belle to reveal MORE THINGS WE ALREADY KNOW. Let's get more with the shadow slicing because that scene was bad ass. Rumps was utterly wasted in this episode. Are these Belle visions going to be a thing now, because the show decided there would be visions in Neverland? Feels like a huge freaking cop-out.


Meanwhile the Queen continues to look amazing in the past, and Snow White wants Emma to start calling her Mom. Mind you this is only a few hours after her daughter told her HEY LADY WE ARE THE SAME AGE. THIS IS WEIRD. But it doesn't stop Snow from being some sort of relentless, poorly educated shrink to her newly discovered daughter. What is the endgame in this for Snow? That Emma just hugs and her says, "Everything is cool this isn't totally fucked up and I won't be horribly jaded for life because you and Dad are really good at looking at each other with puppy eyes"?

Then there was the oh-so-subtle name dropping for Rufio. "Remember what I did to Rufio?" says the Captain with a WINKY WINK WINK and a smile. Hook winks some more. And again. And again. He can't stop winking. The uncontrollable twitching has taken hold of his face, head and neck. Now he's thrashing and rolling his jaw like a loose water hose on full blast. He winks so hard, his right eyeball rolls right out of his skull and onto the ground. As if being summoned, a writer steps onto the set. He strides over to the loose eye, gingerly easing it into his palm. Slowly he lowers his face nearer to his cupped treasure and whispers "Rufio." Hook convulses on the floor and dies.


We will miss you, Hook.

Or maybe that happened to me. I don't know.

Let's see what else... Oh yeah, this:


Overall it just wasn't a very compelling episode — which sucks, because Peter Pan IS compelling. Hook is super hot, and not just openly hitting on Emma. And Charming could now possibly be dying from his own stupid. There's meat here — let's eat it, or cook it or something. Let's stop wasting time with needless visions and flashbacks. Let's stop just calling people an orphan pointing and laughing, let's SHOW the audience what that feels like, and what struggles Emma shares with the Lost boys.B

I do like the twist that by the time Emma finds Henry, he won't want to go home. And speaking of Rufio — yes, that's the plot of Hook, too, but brainwashing is fun. And so is shadow-slicing. So more of that, please.


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