It's American Horror Story: Freak Show, y'all. And yeah, it's really freaky—especially if this season is going to include a musical number in every single episode. Possibly NSFW images below.

First up, sorry about missing the premiere. I was ill. But I'm back and I'm here and I won't abandon you again. I think I can wrap up everything I want to say about the premiere episode in these two pictures.


And this:


Any show that starts off with a close-up of a needlepoint tote that depicts a devil's head, which is ALSO the same devil's head that the Freak Show is centered around, is absolute aces in my book. And OMG, THE COSTUMES.

I had to rip my face off, then piece if back together when Jessica FUCKING Lange showed up in some sort of monkey fur throw smoking a cigarette. Also, Sara Paulson is a goddamn star and won me over immediately when twin head number two smiled and said, "Betty Grable is my favorite." Seriously, I didn't need a second more: sold, sold, sold.

Now about this episode. Oh boy. Well hey, at least Angela Bassett is back, and she has three breasts, so that's a thing.


Unfortunately, her TV husband the Strong Man (Michael Chiklis) is shaping out to be one of the presumably many villains this season. I don't really know what to make of Bassett's character yet (which is a damn shame, because she brought down the house in last year's Coven), but the Strong Man was pretty obvious.

Chiklis shows up, begs for a job, then decides he's going to run the place. And Elsa allows this because there's a lotta minutes to fill in an hour-long drama, people. Of course, after he bills Elsa below the new two-headed headliners, Elsa delightfully remarks that he's got to go. And go he shall, but not right away, because drama.


In other news, we learned that Dot can sing. Naturally, this also threatens Elsa's massive "I'm the star" ego (which is a really fun character trait I'm excited to see Lange dip into even more). Elsa slithers into the twins' tent and starts to turn them against each other. It's devilish and terrible and delightful. I adore that Elsa is too egomaniacal to realize that these twins keep food on the table. But in her mind, "stars don't pay," and she's the biggest and the best.

But before the twins slash each other's throats, let's take a minute to observe the lunacy that is watching a two-headed woman (or rather, two women with one body) sing a Fiona Apple song and start an old-timey mosh pit.

Not sure what's more ridiculous, the song or the fact that listening to Fiona Apple would start a frenzy of thrash dancing.


Meanwhile, the scary clown and the Dandy boy have teamed up. I am 100% not into the Dandy story line; it's entirely too WTF for me to sink my teeth into. This whole mother-and-son relationship is just so weirdly left field it feels out of place for an AHS episode, and that's saying a lot. The clown though, he's scary as fuck and I want no part of it.

Short and sweet is how we're keeping it this week. I'll have more for you next week on the distracting accent of bearded Kathy Bates and the nonsensical actions of her son Dickfingers. Until then, I'm taking bets on what temporally inappropriate song we'll hear in next week's episode. Is there a song with the lyrics "We killed a cop and chopped him into pieces"? Because my money is on that one.

UPDATE: Also I totally forgot, this is what the scary clown looks like without his mask. YIKES. There is nothing scarier than a clown.