Vampire Diaries is turning into Damon fanfic, as written by Damon

The only way last night's episode of The Vampire Diaries really makes sense is if it's all happening in Damon's mind. Like, maybe the final episode of the show will be Damon waking up and realizing that the previous X seasons of television have all just been his extended wet dream. This show is turning into an extended meditation on how sexy Damon is, how he's always right about human (and vampire) nature, and how everybody should just worship his awesome bod.


Spoilers ahead...

Seriously, is it just me, or was last night's episode basically Damon fanfic written by Damon? Even the parts that didn't have Damon in them were basically all about how Damon is right about everything, and everybody should shut up and listen to Damon. He's gone from being the show's main villain to being the guru, the source of all wisdom. And the source of all vampire sexytime.

So basically, this episode was all about Damon's notion that vampires can't control who they are — because they're predators who feed on human blood, and that's just the way it is. Including Stefan. Never mind that whole storyline that we spent ages on last year, where Elena lets Stefan feed on a tiny amount of her blood every day so he can learn to eat human blood without losing his shit — Elena even brings it up, and Damon pooh-poohs it.

And the whole episode sort of bears Damon out. Stefan really struggles with his bloodlust, bingeing on blood and going a bit bonkers, but then he's able to rein himself in using the Damon Method when he comes across an injured Meredith Fell at the end of the episode. Meanwhile, Stefan's emerging self-control is contrasted with Abby Bennett, Bonnie's mom, who is not only a bad mother but a bad vampire — the moment she starts hugging her son, you know she's going to lose control and bite him. Which is, sure enough, exactly what happens. If only Damon were there to teach Abby the Damon Method!

Meanwhile, continuing the "killers can't control their nature" theme, we suddenly find out that Alaric is a crazy serial killer with a split personality and a drawer full of gruesome photos and murder-spree souvenirs. There is a long "scary nostril closeup" MRI sequence where we flash between Evil Rick and Regular Rick, and Evil Rick wins out. Even after Alaric ditches the crazy-making cursed ring, he still keeps wanting to murder Council members because they've started turning a blind eye to vampires — unlike Rick himself, who's best friends with Damon. Of course, maybe that's why Evil Rick wanted to stab Regular Rick. This plot? Not the most sense-making this show has ever had. But it underscores the theme, which is that everybody is basically bad, and Damon is sexy.

Oh, and speaking of Damon being sexy — that's the other theme of the episode. Tess from Smallville comes back for the first time in like 100 years, because she's Damon's slut mentor. She's like Vampire Slut Yoda. And she's in love with Finn, the Original Vampire with the death wish, and somehow she was too slow to make it to town during the long period he was hanging about having champagne parties and trying to kill himself and his brothers. Anyway, Tess from Smallville believes the answer to any dilemma is a hot threesome — which is basically right, as we all know.


Quoth Vampire Slut Yoda: "Tossing negs leads to threesome. Threesome leads to vulnerabilty. Vulnerability leads to me doing psychic postcoital head-stroking. Psychic postcoital head-stroking leads to ????. ???? leads to Profit."

Witness the threesome in the clip, up top. All of which leads me to the final proof that Damon wrote this episode — how is Damon not dead? He's tried to kill the Originals, the most powerful beings on Earth, multiple times, and walked away. They know where he lives, apparently. He's not hiding out. He goes to the same bar every day, and stalks the same girl all the time. Especially once they have the information they need — what happened to the wood from the magic tree that can kill them — they have no reason to keep Damon alive any longer. He pretty much bares his chest and vows to kill Rebekah and the rest of her gang. Suspension of disbelief is pretty going up in flames along with that historic bridge.


So why don't they kill Damon after he's made it abundantly clear he's plotting their demise? There's only one answer: He's just too damn sexy. See what I mean? Fanfic.


I have to ask: what happened the piano player who was the pre-threesome snack? Collateral damage?