Vagina-Faced Killers Need To Stay Old School, Apparently

Illustration for article titled Vagina-Faced Killers Need To Stay Old School, Apparently

There are certain things that the io9 readership will put up with: snark, Annalee's kitten obsession, and my love of Clone Wars to name just a few. But the idea of Predator being remade? Nooooo.

Meredith wrote about Robert Rodriguez' attempts to bring back the alien killing machine this week, and let's just say that Hollywood Execs are apparently a much easier sell than you guys:

Belabras: "You know, nobody ever talks about doing a reboot of Citizen Kane. Leave the classics the fuck alone Hollywood."

iameleveneight: "Fuck reboot, Predator doesn't need a reboot, it needs a proper sequel not the abortions that are AVP."

Robotic Bilbo Bagins has no use for fleshy ones: "Ugh. Look Hollywood there are plenty of little known sci-fi things out there that need the raping. I'd rather see new bad movies then remakes of old bad movies."

dead_red_eyes: "Dear Hollywood, Enough with the fucking reboots already. Come up with some original ideas for once, you wankers. And while I'm at it, quit remaking Asian films for American audiences."

geesejuggler: "Why do we even need a reboot of Predator? The first one is awesome as is!"

Quilt: "They should re-release Predator into the theaters. That would be 10 times better then a terrible re-boot. It would likely be far cheaper for the studio as well."

Nefilim: "PLEASE NO! WHY ARE THEY DOING THIS TO ME! JUST LEAVE IT ALONE. here is two cents, go buy a fucking ORIGINAL IDEA! There is no way you can reboot what was already a classic...people are fucking stupid!"

J_Frank_Parnell: "That does it. I have officially given up on Hollywood. Good day, Sirs."


Happily, not everyone was so quick to give up on ol' Tinsel Town. Some, in fact, knew exactly how to reboot the franchise:

OldDog1:"Here is my idea for a re-boot. Remember the movie "Zulu" with Michael Caine? Ok, flash forward several hundred years and on another planet far, far away. One hndred and thirty nine Marines, many of them sick or wonded, hold a stratigic point agains 4000 screaming aliens."

CentipedeDamascus: "This movie needs to star The Rock, Vin Diesel, Hugh Jackman, Mickey Rourke, and Bruce Willis. I submit that would be even BETTER than the original."


Of course, let's take another look at the original, while we're at it:

Stueymon: "Ya know, i always thought predator was kinda gay. Arnie was always sucking on that thick cigar, the mid air arm-wrestle with bulging muscles, the men are almost constantly semi naked and glistening with sweat. then you've got the predator whose face looks like some Freudian vagina. I loved predator, dont get me wrong it's one of my all time fave films, i just couldn't help notice you had a bunch of sweaty shirtless muscle men, none of them sexually interested in the one girl around them and fighting an alien fangpussy that kills butch men but leaves cute girls alone."


Suddenly I feel the desperate need to watch Predator again to see it in this new light. And, trust me, I haven't felt any kind of need to watch Predator in years, because it's terrible. I can't quite work out if this is some kind of validation of io9 commenters, or condemnation. While I try and work that out, let's have crashedpc take us out for the week:

I laughed at the one line plot summary. I was expecting like this epic description of the jungle, the circumstances, the team of commandos, the predator itself, anything to justify this remake of a 20+ year old movie, and all I get is

In the reboot a team of commandoes face down a mysterious race of vicious monsters.

AAHHHHAHAHAH sorry I'm weird


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[McLaughlin Voice]WRONG! The answer is Predator was one of the top 4 action movies of the 80's. The others were Terminator, Commando, and Die Hard.[/McLaughlin Voice]