The great colonnades of Rome have lasted for centuries, through political upheaval and some really questionable fashion choices. But for some of us, glory is more fleeting. CBS, because genius is never recognized in its time, has decided to pull the plug on my show, Under the Dome.
In other words, I’m looking for work. I can’t believe I turned down a chance to play the dome on the top of the U.S.S. Enterprise that houses the Bridge, in the Star Trek movies. That would have been a steady gig, plus I would have gotten to work with J.J. Abrams, who understands the importance of mystery and mythos and keeping the audience guessing—not like those ungrateful viewers who stopped caring about the secret meaning of my butterflies and handprints, and forced the show to replace me with a queen bee character who can actually deliver exposition while smothering women who’ve just given birth.
The good news? There are still a couple episodes left of this season, and I’m sure I, the Dome, will go out on a high note. After all, they wouldn’t kill me off in the final episodes, since I’m the show’s main character and I’m right there in the title. Right? Right?