Last night on True Blood, Eric and Sookie took us deep into the snow shower of their imagination! You'd think that humping on a bunch of animal hides in the snow with a Viking Vampire would be more exciting.
But let me explain it to you, Pro/Con style.
This week we picked up right where we left off, THE SUN SUICIDES. Was anyone worried about Jessica killing herself and Jason getting shot? Neither was I. But I will say that the other totally fake death was terrifying. But more on that later, let's get back to THE SUN THE SUN!
Pro: Jason Saves. Like some big great white savior, Jason leaps out of the blinding white backdrop light and vampire burritos baby Jessica in one of Vampire Bill's vampire decorating mistakes.
Pro: But dear old Jason almost gets is when Vampire Jessica straddles him like a mechanical bull.
Con: Jessica kisses Jason. This truly means the end of Hoyt and Jessica. Sad. But we all saw this coming.
Pro: Jessica feels like hell for killing Bucky the guard. Good, it's about time the faceless red shirts of True Blood got some attention. It's kind of interesting that Jessica feels all this remorse as she's totally over her truck stop dine-and-dash. But then again, it's not like she knew what she was doing.
Pro: Jason's attempt to soothe Jessica with vampire happy thoughts, "The moon, never gettin' cold, True Blood." Sigh, Jason is just such a simple-minded sweetie pie.
Pro: Bill is so incredibly annoyed by Jason's sweet whisperings. We get it, King Cool Vampire Bill, you're a giant stick in the mud with a stick up your butt.
Con: Meanwhile Happy Camper werewolf pack leader (who's actually named Marcus and the only reason I know this is because I had to look it up) is giving a very important speech about vampire politics. And pausing. In odd. Places. A. Lot.
Pro: Naturally one of the young pup's (ha!) fur is all riled up about minding his own business, as pups do, and there's a small scuffle. Good thing cool-headed werewolf Alcide is there (Hey Alcide!) to hold the puppy close until he's "let go of his anger." Ha ha, hippy Alcide is great with kids!
Con: Debbie says this, ruins the good times for everyone. "Think I made some friends tonight. A couple of really nice bitches." Because she's a wolf, duh.
Pro: Meanwhile Eric and Sookie have made it through the day and now it's time to rip off all of his silver. Eric screams in Norwegian (??, doesn't matter) Somehow my shirt comes off.
Pro: Sookie allows Eric to feed off of her (it's a trust thing). Later Eric bites into his hand and asks Sookie to join his Sisterhood of the Traveling Sex Pants. She agrees.
Con: Both Eric and Sookie make their sexy-I'm-drinking-your blood-you're-drinking-my-blood faces. Good faces everyone!
Pro: Jessica returns home and has a horrible, no good dream about breaking up with Hoyt, killing him, and then fucking Jason in the car outside of her murder. Oh dear God in heaven this scene.
Every time I think I'm done with True Blood and it has just become hollow shell of vampire dick puppets put on screen to tantalize some and shock others, a scene like this comes along. Yes, I 100% believed that Jessica had killed Hoyt during the dream breakup.
The neighbors must have heard my jaw hit the floor. It was horrifying, but then when the actual breakup scene hit, it became so much more. This dream was a layered look into the nightmare that Jessica is terrified she will become (on every level). She doesn't want to be a wife (immediately she pictures Hoyt as a smelly slob). Jessica doesn't want to hurt Hoyt — she not only emotionally ruins him but then physically smashes his head in. And then proceeds to seduce Jason with the blood of his best friend splattered across his face.
It was an excellent look into Jessica's worst nightmare and inner "hunger" pulling at her. And the best part of it all, her self-indulgent little pity party (I'll hurt Hoyt so bad he'll cry and beg) blows up right in her face when Hoyt turns acid-spitting mean in the real-life breakup.
But forget the character emotion and layers, these two scenes worked because they were so ridiculously believable (even after Jessica crushed Hoyt's skull). From "I don't want someone better than you, I want you. I'm sorry I'm sorry. Love me, please please love me" to "You don't deserve me, and I don't deserve you, I deserve someone who isn't going to be a fucking virgin for all eternity." These are real fighting words we've all been dealt (or delivered). I don't know how many writers cried their way through putting both of these scenes together, but thank you for bringing back all the shit from my past I'd tried to hide away. For a show that actually incorporates were-panther dirt rape and fairy grenades into its weekly drama, this was astoundingly real and awesome to behold. Without Jessica and Hoyt, this show would have run off the rails years ago, it should be interesting to see what happens now that the two of them are apart.
Pro: Also, damn Hoyt that hurt, and we're not even vampires!
Con: Sadly, Jessica had to be Dorothy and The Wizard of Oz magic wind blows her out of their house, but the scene overall was good. But I'm getting ahead of myself, let's get back to the pro/con.
Pro: Deputy Ellis makes a cameo and adorably predicts the weather. "Betcha it's gonna rain tonight. I can always feel it where that panther tore my throat open."
Pro: Not to be outdone, Andy shows up and almost gobbles up the gooey remnants of Beulah Carter proclaiming, "Jesus Tits and God America what's wrong with me!" Sorry Ellis, you just got Bellefleured.
Pro: Bill jabs Maxine Fortenburry for thinking all vampire know one another. Vampire Ethics! Racism! Etc!
Con: Meanwhile Eric and Sookie are high from all the blood drinking and have fantasy snow sex in the wintertime woodland Narnia sex retreat of their minds. IT'S TERRIBLE. Look, I know a lot of you have been waiting for the snow shower sex scene but watching a cherub-faced Eric ask Sookie if they could make love in the magical bed, just no. NO. It's like putting your penis in a puppy. It's wrong and gross and I don't care how much Sookie grabbing Eric's ass you're going to show me. No, camera. No more Eskimo cuddle kisses. I expected humping a vampire viking on a pile of animal furs to be, well, sexy. This Is Not Sexy! What this is, is puppy rape pure and simple.
Pro: Also on the Sookie and Eric disappointing sexcapade note, I would like to point out that as interesting as it is to see the inside of people's minds on V-Juice — it's usually not — I would argue that it would be JUST as interesting to see what the people on V-Juice would look like to those not stoned. Therefore, I edited together some videos of folks basically doing whatever Sookie and Eric were, but stoned. REAL LIFE TRUE BLOOD. (See Above Video)
Con: Marnie can't use the clicker because she's a 400-year-old witch. EEEHHHH? You see what the writers did there? Nothing gets by these guys. Encino Marnie!
Pro: King Cool Vampire Bill sets up a meeting with Marnie at the cemetery as normal adults do for meetings. Also no blades, chains or knives.
Pro: Tommy steals a bunch of Maxine's muumuus (and adorably picks out the proper matching shoes) so he can skinwalker into Maxine's skin and get the gas money from the gas people. This is fine, we didn't need the additional scene of Tommy in Maxine's dress throwing up, because I'm pretty sure we all got it, but hey, it was still funny.
Con: Eric and Sookie continue on their V-juice high, which means here's another clip of what the two of them probably looked like in the real world mid-snow cuddle.
Con: The whole backstory for the Trash Baby is revealed. I refuse to write anymore about it this week because not only is it NOT about a Trash Baby, but there were additional characters and storylines introduced and I'm going to flip out like Johnny 5 after he got hit by lightning if I have to fit one more baby or dickhead boyfriend into the space I've sectioned off in my brain for True Blood. So yeah, let's just not talk about the French ghost lady or her ridiculous ghost needs for a child and a gun.
Pro: Jessica shows up at Jason's house. Jason promptly kicks her the hell out. Even though he kissed her back, Hoyt is his best friend. Jason abides by the bro code.
Con: Marcus sees Sam at his ex-shifters house, tells everyone Sam plays with Barbies. ONE POINT KING COOL WOLF.
Pro: The witch vs. vampire fight BEGINS!
Con: Bill reveals that he has more people.
Con: Marnie reveals that she has more people
Con: 5 minutes go by and they both reveal that they both have EVEN MORE PEOPLE. Congrats you're both terrible at basic warfare. It's like they haven't even seen Braveheart.
Pro: Eric jumps across the witches' line (HEY OFFSIDES!) and rips a witch throat or heart or something (we don't really know what it is and never will, it's going to be a giant mystery like on Lost). But more importantly, does this mean evil Eric is back (we all hope so).
Pro: Sookie witnesses Eric's throat rip and thinks, "Heeeey maybe I should have waited more than 6 days before I hopped on that questionably evil vampire penis? LOL who am I kidding, I'm Sookie!" In her defense, Eric was acting like a giant toddler and that's apparently sex kryptonite for old Sooks McGee.
Con: Marnie freaks out and calls upon MAGIC FOG.
Pro: Pam shows up and saves the last 10 minutes of this episode by being awesome and amazing. Bill forbids Pam to kill Tara. Bill now becomes the worst.
Pro: Sookie gets shot. Fingers crossed it was Debbie (who is the best) that shot her. And it's TOTALLY possible if she carried the gun in her werewolf mouth while following her werewolf boyfriend around in wolf form. What? We've been asked to think of even more ridiculous things from this show before. Why can't I win ONE TIME. Sookie could die and Debbie could be the new Sookie.
Con: Eric is now under the influence of Marnie, sits like a puppy. The last shreds of this character's sex appeal dried up inside of me last week, but now we're just lighting those bits on fire and pissing on them, aren't we True Blood?
And that's all she-vampire wrote for this vampire-week. Tune in next week when we can only assume Jessica vampire-acts out. Jessica and Debbie series!
P.S ANTONIA GAVILAN DE LAGRONIO!!!!!