Welp, this is it: the very first episode of the very last season of True Blood. And for the beginning of the end of the vampire hump-hump show, I was a little nonplussed. I mean, there was still excellent vampire sex and death, but I gotta say, I expected a wee bit more in the What-the-Fuckery department. But let me break it down pro/con-style.

Overall this was kind of my reaction to the whole episode:


It was kind of all over the place. We still have to play catch-up with the massive time leap. Then there's the new characters and the new relationship statuses and the sex. And that's good, but also not good. I still love you, True Blood, but this is it! This is all we've got; let's turn it out.

Pro: The final season picks up right where it left off, at the great BBQ massacre of Bon Temps. It's just blood and goo and hot dog buns flying all over the place. A total mess. Everybody is getting Hep V vampire voomed into the woods including...



Pro: Did you hear that whistle? Someone whistled and they all vampire zoomed away. Who is this whistler, I wonder? I bet it's a NEW CHARACTER.


CON: So the massacre is over and it's revealed that Tara has died. Off camera.

Look, you all know I'm not the biggest fan of the character Tara. But this… this was some buuuuuuuulll sheeeeeeet.

After surviving 6 years of rape, kidnapping, murder, maternal abuse, the death of boyfriends and loved ones, and even being taped pantless to a toilet I felt like the very least this show could do is give Tara an ONSCREEN DEATH. No goodbye? No big battle scene? Lest we forget, Tara is a trained cage fighter now (lol forever, but STILL).


True Blood gave new character Nora the full Little-Women-Claire-Danes-Cry-Face-Beth-Dies scene. But a six-season series regular dies with the fanfare of a Thumbelina fart. And every character is just like "I am very upset about this." NOT OK, GUYS. NOT OK.

In conclusion, I am sad but I will not miss her.


Pro: The Titles! Tara's death is a sad thing to lead into the titles with. OK, OK...gather, gather. Dancing in the club, dead fox face...OK, I'm back.

Pro: Cut to a very slim looking Andy Bellefleur! And he's still using a flip phone. I missed you Andy; you can sit by me.

If you remember last year's season finale, you know that Jessica ate all (but one) of Andy's fairy children. Because they smell so good, etc. And now Jessica has vowed to protect the remaining fairy for the rest of her days—which is exactly the kind of person you want lurking on your doorstep, the person who murdered all of your children. Naturally, Andy gets a little kick in to Jessica right before he heads off to the massacre. "They killed your friend Tara." BOOM.


Pro: Upon hearing that Tara is dead, Jessica makes the whimpering puppy cry noise that really only she can get away with.

Con: Everyone heads over to Bellefleur's BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT IT'S NAMED NOW, OK? Inside Bellefleur's *eye roll*, the survivors of the BBQ massacre sit around and think about what a whore Sookie is. I know that's what I would be thinking, not OMG I just watched my friend get murdered. This will undoubtably be the beginning of the "let's run that slut out of town on a rail" nonsense the people of Bon Temps will no doubt fall into. They should put that on the sign, "Bon Temps: Calling Sookie Stackhouse a whore for over 6 years."


Pro: When Sam shifts from canine form to human form, he comes out making "puppy hands."

Con: Oh Lord, Tara's Mom is drinking vampire blood from the decapitated Louisiana Governor's vampire daughter Willa. So she's going to be a V-Juice addict in three hours, right? I mean, that's how things work on this show. So yeah full-blown V-Juicer next episode, I bet my half-drunk bottle of white wine on it.


Pro: FIRST HUMAN HEY, ALCIDE OF SEASON 7! HEEEEEY, ALCIDE. And HEEEEY, newly-greyed sideburns complimenting a short-on-the-side-long-in-the-front popular haircut. That is working very well for you, sir.

Con: The fellas of True Blood hatch a plan. Pam is gone. Tara is dead. Sookie is being slut shamed. Where did my bad ass bitches go? Hopefully there will be more lady awesomeness to come later, because Willa is not going to cut it. I love my fellas, but you know, I love my ladies, too.


Pro: The plan is a super great True Blood plan. They will all divide up and go look in newly created set pieces, not the actual pivotal plot points that we have been associating with vampires kidnapping people for years.

Pro: Sookie is all, "Screw you guys, I'm going home." And picks up and leaves Not Merlotte's—because that is a smart move to do after all of your friends just died. You should walk home alone, in the dark.

Con: Wait a minute...


Aww, Old James was replaced. This is New James. I feel bad for Old James; he was "perfectly fine" in the brooding vampire boyfriend department. Remember his band? Aww, I hope New James still has a band. Either way, looks like the character still appears to care about Jessica and I dig that. Jessica deserves happiness, despite all the murdering she did last season.

Pro: NEW CHARACTER! Pretty early on in this premiere, we are forced to meet this human penis Vince. All we know about him is that he lost the mayoral race (IMPORTANT) and that he is a dick.

I'm not surprised. If anything, I'm impressed that True Blood has decided to stick to their "we put as many fucking people on the TV as we want" motto. They will win the award for most characters on a TV show yet.


If new characters weren't being shoved down the audience's throat for no reason other than to cause drama (when there's an already established pack of zombie vampires to deal with), this wouldn't be True Blood. I don't want to spend my final season with Eric the viking vampire; I want to spend it with Vince the human penis. And that is why I love this show, because force-feeding new people down the audience's gullet feels like home.

Pro: So every human is assigned a vampire, and every vampire a clean human. This way, we can now cut to little intimate moments with scared humans interacting with sexy hungry vampires. I like it. I'm also very much into the idea of James and Lala being blood buddies or whatever they have decided to call this club.


Pro: Alcide repeatedly calls Sookie's phone because that's totally the kind of boyfriend he is.

Pro: Sookie decides instead of hitting "ignore," she's just going to throw her entire phone away, which is a good decision made by someone with good decision-making skills.

Pro: While walking home, Sookie stumbles over something she could potentially have sex with. But it's not Warlow, Bill or some other creature, it's an actual corpse. I mean not a dead thing that she has sex with, but an actual past-its-prime corpse, not a dead person who wears henley shirts and flops their hair all around. Look, all I'm saying is, Sookie finds a lot of things in the dirt that she has sex with.



Pam is in Marrakesh and performing vampire Russian Roulette, because apparently these characters just "watched Deer Hunter." I see why this was done; it's difficult getting the audience to accept the fact that two English-speaking vampires are standing in separate buckets in Morocco playing Russian Roulette. That's a hard pill to swallow. But if they JUST SAW DEER HUNTER—well, that explains it then.


Pro: "Your god and my god can go to a motel and have a circle jerk for all I care. I'll be in hell having a threeway with the devil," is an EXCELLENT Pam line to kick off this season. Delightful. So Pam lives and continues her journey looking for her maker, Eric.

Con: Pam, who was in a very intimate relationship with Tara, feels nothing for the loss of her lover/progeny? Would have been nice to see a little reaction.

Pro: The Jessica Little Fairy scene. So good. Lots of great attention to detail here, loved Jessica's dried blood tears. Come to think of it, that would probably be really painful. I loved the fairy calling out Jessica for being, well, a blood thirsty vampire but then having the two girls bond while talking about boys. Jessica hasn't really ever had a "friend;" maybe this fairy could be her friend? It's risky business, these two together, but it makes for fantastic drama. Also, how awesome was it to hear Jessica go all "she's mine" on the Hep V vampire.

Pro: Sookie and Alcide have "that fight" most long-term couples have. She just wants to be alone with her Jack Daniels and Alcide wants to talk endlessly about his emotions. He tells her he loves her and she retorts, "You're not telling me anything I don't already know." Harsh. Way harsh, Tai. I don't think these two kids are going to make it, especially with Alcide being a total judgey-judey about Sookie's ex-boyfriends. Glass houses, pally.


Pro: Alcide's shirt is 'bout to bust.


Pro: Violet and Jason are still together. That's a thing—when they roll into Jason's home, the show makes a Lost Boys whistle that is hilarious.

Con: More Vince and his gang. One of Vince's idiotic gang members says, "What if I don't have a dick, can I stay?" No, you cannot. Because you say dumb shit like that.

Pro: Lala and James have a very nice chat about their feelings and smoke weed. Also this is the introduction of an excellent Lafayette line, "So give me a second while I get altered. And then I'll give you lunch."


Pro: Pause for Vampire Bong Hit.

Pro: Lafayette and James share feelings. Lala reveals that he feel "relieved" at Tara's death. Because he grieved the first time she died. Poor Lala, there is no reason for him to be any sort of stable at this point in his life. James reveals his vampire origin story and it is ROUGH. And very sad. I hope Lala and James become friends because they both seemed like they've seen some shit and lost a lot along the way. How Lafayette doesn't make the YIKES face is beyond me. Also did James just casually throw it out there that he swings both ways?

Pro: Vampire Violet's tiny skirt.

Pro: Vampire Violet and Jason finally have sex! Yay, and they do it in a very "hope you're not watching this with your parents" True Blood way. I love all the smiling and clothes snatching. It looks like two coked-out magicians humping on a car.


Pro: Fae baby drinks Jessica's blood... uh ohhhhh.

Con: Willa moves into the basement of the church. Tara's mom thinks she can hear Tara. I don't care. WHERE IS ERIC?


Pro: Oh! Apparently Eric is here, wherever this map is. Internet please help, we need to find out Golden Norse God.

Pro: Sookie and Alcide make up and have very sweet, very naked sex. Is this the first time we're really seeing them "make love?" It's nice. I mean, we see really nothing, but watching Jason hump Violet, that we spend time on. Forget the characters we've been invested in for months; let's see Jason do sex stand-ups (it's a sex thing). Oh, whatever, yay for these kids.


Con: Bill and Andy head to some abandoned slaughter house. "Hey Bill let's check out the slaughter house that we just made up, forget Fangtasia, a show plot point for 6 years." They run into the human penis Vince and his gang of annoying new characters.

Pro: Andy gets to have his, "skin that smokewagon and let's see what happens," moment. And it is great. Vince and his party of awful characters who say awful things run away, presumably to just cause more trouble in next week's episode, but whatever, at least they are gone now.

Pro: OH THANK GOD, KEVIN IS OK. (And so are Arlene and Holly and Jane and Michelle's friend from Full House). They're all tied up in the basement of Fangtasia, because obviously—but I don't know how long they all have to live. And these are some of my favorite people here. Not Michelle's friend, but she has a baby so she'll probably live, because dogs and pregnant ladies almost always survive. But we'll see; this is True Blood!


Pro: Arlene, "My Kids!" Rest of the world, "We Know!"

CON: NO, KEVIN! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! First Terry, now you? Noooooooo!


Pro: Faeby invites Jessica inside to save her from the dawn. Besties.

Con: Bill has another Civil War flashback. Look guys, I'm full up on Bill's Civil War flashbacks. WHERE IS ERIC?


Con: Sookie shows up to church and everyone is thinking terrible thoughts about her. But Sookie decides to tell them all to fuck off. GOOD. They won't listen, but she's the one with the magical fairy vagina! So meah!

And that's how the episode ends... it was definitely an ending—not a real barn burner of a cliffhanger. But it ended.

Overall, I wasn't super in love with the episode as a whole. I was bummed that Tara was denied a swan song. James and Lala hashing it out over hash (BA DUM DUM) was good—no it was great. I like this new dynamic; it could work. And Jessica's new little fae friendship is also interesting. But we're gonna have to kick Vampire Bill in the pants over and over and over again until it finally dawns on him that maybe the vampires are keeping their vampire food in the vampire bar. The place all vampires know about. Also, needs more Eric. I think I was so depressed by the lack of Eric that I actually doodled a viking ship with a mermaid on it, instead of writing notes about the ending (as you can see below).


Until next week, fingers crossed for more Pam and much more Eric. WHO WASN'T EVEN IN THE TITLES.