True Blood Serves Up Vampire Justice

Let this be a lesson to you vampires: if you mess with your own, then you must stand trial in front of a bunch of goth rejects and be judged. This week on True Blood, we got to see what happens to the undead fangers that misbehave. And of course, it's sexy bloody justice.This week Sookie continued to act like a child, but Tara threw out all the stops and took crazy sad drunk to a whole new level of fantastic shame. I've been down and drunk before, but never considered throwing on my old prom dress to really bring the misery in. Sam tells Sookie that he's a shape shifter, not a were-collie, which was upsetting, but allowed Sookie to throw yet another tantrum. But more importantly we watched some poor goth kid get his vampire fangs ripped out in front of the tiny vampire justice league, including Zeljko Ivanek, who won me over in the end. Welcome to the gothy, blood covered club, Ivanek. The Pros And Cons Of True Blood This Week: Pro: Bill has a loofa in his shower, hey even the undead need to exfoliate. Sookie's response to Sam's confession that he's a shape shifter ("Shut the fuck up") is pretty great. Pro: Everything about Amy this week is GOLD (minus her idiotic move to kill off Eddie but more on that later). I was literally standing up and jumping when she got in Eddie's face and said, "I walked away from a full scholarship to go build irrigation systems in Guatemala," and then bragged about how her carbon foot print is miniscule. Thank you, thank you, thank you more yippie rhetoric. I love this character so much it hurts. I love it, it's so true and in a sea of stereotypes at least her stereotype is new and totally worthy of being made fun of. She's a box of tools, "We just need boots and a map" says it all. Thank you True Blood for making fun of this type of person, and making her so very evil, these are the people you have to look out for. Pro: Sam wore the same shirts when he was a little shape shifting child being forsaken by his adoptive folks as he does today. Parents just don't understand Sam. Pro: Sookie continues to be annoying by chiding Sam with Terry about how he "doesn't hide anything." Pout much, darling? I don't know if Sookie was likable at all in the books, but damn if I don't want her to fall off the face of the Earth for acting like such a two-year-old. Especially when she whines to Terry about Bill not being around and the Iraq vet says, "There's some dead people I wish was still around, too," HA, take that. So while its annoying, it's still very in-character for her, with all the constant lip pouting and whimpering. Pro: Is everyone at Arlene and Rene's engagement party a professional dancer? The couple to the side of them look like they belong with the camp counselor crew from Dirty Dancing. Although I will admit the dance parties in the South are worlds better than parties I've been to anywhere else. So pro for dancing, because Renee is good — but not jump off the stage and rally the crowd good. Pro: Tara wore her prom dress out, hilarious. She's such a glorious mess this week and actually being shit canned makes her usual over-the-top attitude easier to swallow. Pro: Lafayette laying the smack down on Jason, he is scary when mad — I like it. Pro: Sexy naked lady is standing in a road next to a pig? Ok why not?

Illustration for article titled True Blood Serves Up Vampire Justice

Pro: The head vampire at the Vamp Court house. Zeljko Ivanek really grew on me I enjoyed his nasty little attitude and the suit. Still, I wish he would lose that silly cane. But as far as the vampire justice session, he was a good person for it, tiny yet intimidating. Con: Tara's exorcism is boring, and her coming home and crying to her mom about being fixed with that awful music in the background is terrible. "Are you kidding, I'd drive anywhere for you!" I suggest off a cliff. BUT made better later... by finding out that the whole thing was a hoax. THANK GOD, I was done with this story line. Con: Tara actually drinking while driving, seriously not even Tara is that stupid to pull from a bottle while driving. Con: What's with all the Rene love? I know I asked for it earlier, but now they are parading him around like the new heart of the show, which really makes me scared that they are going to kill him off, please don't. Con: So much for that whole, "I don't want to be protected anymore" shtick Sookie. Hold me closer, Sam. Con: All of the other vampires at the vampire tribunal, wow. I gave Fangtasia a tiny bit of credit as it was an openly vampiric haunt that humans went to, so maybe they needed to Hot Topic it up a little. But their place of gathering is an abandoned car lot? Seriously? All this money and they chose a smelly dump. Plus why is Zeljko Ivanek the only one that looks like he has an ounce of class? These vampires look like the rejects from a Mad Max high school play. I do not like. I was expecting something a bit more civilized or at least something that hadn't been DONE TO DEATH before. We're vampires, we like dirty things, sleeveless t-shits and chains. CON: Killing off Eddie. He had so better be maimed, I'm absolutely morose about this. I approve with Amy doing the deed, because it will only drive a bigger wedge between Amy and Jason thus allowing her to spout off more silly yippie justification for her actions. But unfortunately Stephen Root was so intense and amazing on this show. I hope Lafayette murders her in a vicious manner while she pleads that she drives and electric car and therefor should be allowed to live. Con: Turning someone into a vampire means you have to dry hump their back?

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This show lost me three episodes ago. I guess having read the books handicaps me. Sookie is nowhere near as infantile in the books, Jason is a marginal character, and Tara is non-existent until the 2nd or 3rd novel. And I can tell you all about Rene but I'm sure you want to watch and see. . .