Cue up the Elton John, because The Bitch is Back. This week, True Blood brought back old bitchy Bill. And it was great, until Sookie made it all about her. You're the worst, Sookie! Spoilers ahead.

Straight up, I haven't slept in 24 hours. So if shit gets weird, just go with it. Let's do this.

Eric is still in that hallways fighting the Yakuza. Question: I feel like almost every single True Blood episode happens seconds after the last True Blood episode. Even when we jumped ahead a bunch of years because of the fairy wars (Remember that? LOL, what a good payoff that turned out to be), it still picked up in Sookie's time frame. Not complaining, just noticing… ANYWAY BACK TO THE PLOT.

Pro: More Yakuza show up to attack Eric and he is exhausted you guys. Then the Viking Vampire looks at the Yakuza and says...


Con: And the Yakuza is all, "Yes, really." They take Pam and Eric hostage and put them in a room facing the sunrise.


Pro: The Yakuza cars drive in the sideways "flying V' at all times because Japanese gangsters = fast and furious drifting through Dallas? Is that what this is? I don't know.

Who decided to let them travel in these super inconspicuous cars? "Hey guys, I need you to go to a fairly public fundraiser that press and security will definitely be monitoring, show up with a bunch of samurai swords and uzis and just kill everyone to get what we need. What should you drive in? Why these three primary colored cars, of course!"


Pro: Pam and Eric smile at their impending doom and cut to the titles! This may be the first "cut to the titles" True Blood episode (this season) that felt fun and crazy and earned. Feels like home to me.

Con: Back to Bill. Remember, Bill has Hep-V now because this is just the way this series is going to end. Bill gets out of a shower and sits at the end of his bed fondling his now infected chest. Channeling every single heart-wrenching biopic or '90s dead friend drama, Bill gropes himself, pleading to the camera for pity. But he's a vampire. A vampire that killed a lot of people and just recently was an omnipotent puddle of blood, so forgive me if I've lost the love.


Pro: Here's hoping Bill's Hep-V will bring back some of his humanity, or passion. Or something. JESUS, JUST EMOTE, YOU IMMORTAL ROBOT.

Pro: Bill heads over to the computer to *fingers crossed* WebMD "Hep-V for vampires."

Con: Boooooooo! Bill googles some lawyer to get his "finances together" (fun plot idea!) and in doing so, also reveals to Jessica that he has Hep-V.


Pro: James shows up at Lafayette's house! Love! I mean you guys are still dicks for doing it in front of the whole town and Jessica, but I'm glad this wasn't a "fling." Fingers crossed for the real thing.

Con: But this means the Tara/Lettie Mae story will be prolonged for another episode (or more). Lettie Mae and Lafayette take some of James' blood, blah, blah, blah, crucified ghost Tara appearance in 3, 2, 1...

Pro: This might be the scariest/saddest moment of the season. Jason drives home after cheating on Violet with Jessica. Violet appears in her underwear smiling. Will Violet bite Jason's dick off? Or will she perform the "I can't make you love me" high school dance of desperation?


She chooses the Bonnie Raitt path. Oh Jesus, this won't end well for Jason.

Pro: Another appearance from Anubis Air. Have these plastic coffins not paid for themselves yet?


Con/Pro: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Waiting room. We've seen this before, but this is both a pro and a con because I love when True Blood does the ordinary vampire life shit. I love it a lot. Fingers crossed it pays off.



Con: Vampire Eric and Yakuza Cowboy fight over who gets to kill Sarah Newlin. Pam speaks for us all: "Who gives a shit?" They strike a deal.

Pro: Sarah Newlin breaks into her sister's house and tries to get her to forgive her/give her a place to hide. She informs her sister that she is a changed person, a new me. No literally, "My name is Noomi, NEW ME." Get it? You get it. Amber and I share faces when it comes to Sarah's shtick.


Con: Jessica calls Jason to get Sookie? Jessica, the guy you are cheating with has a very, very, very violent, much-older-than-you vampire girlfriend. What is wrong with you? Call someone else. I know Sookie THREW HER PHONE AWAY, but seriously, maybe don't call the person you just banged five seconds ago.

Pro: Violet hears the phone call because of course she does. Cue the rampage.

Con: Jason goes to get his sister for Jessica. Sookie is annoyed and hungover and says, "There's this thing called a phone." My response:


Con: Remember last week when Andy made great strides as a character with his many lectures about life and love? That was great. We don't need anymore Andy today; we're full up on good Andy. Did Alan Ball sign some deal with the devil where he has to make a show with 1,000 characters and then give each character camera time each week or else Baby Jessica has to go back into the well? Because I'm going to be real: the newly introduced teen characters caught making clerically incestuous humps in Andy's house is not really how I want to spend my final days of True Blood.

Pro: However, I will give credit where credit is due: when the baby fae told Holly's kid that she loved him too while he was on the lawn, that was very cute.


Con: Speaking of shit no one cares about, crucified ghost Tara is back and speaking in tongues.

Pro: Sam's pregnant wife is leaving him because everyone in Bon Temps is "fucking crazy" and why would you want to raise a kid there? Truth. But see the previous statement about all the characters being on all the time. I do like that Full House chick is now running away from the thing that attracted her to Sam in the first place.


Pro: Because one good turn deserves another, Arlene shows up to once again give everyone some good peace of mind. So did this character just need everyone she loved to die to become a whole person? She's not even breathing between "it's the facts of fucking life," and "well shit happens, you clean it up." It's all nice but like OK WE GET IT, ARLENE IS GOOD NOW.

Pro: Back to the waiting room. You'd think Bill would rather go to a vampire hospital over a vampire lawyer's office, but if there's one thing Bill makes it's good decisions, so let's not question this. As he eyes the regular vampires (yay!) inside the waiting room, his SUPER HEP-V spreads right before his eyes. And everyone moves away from him. Aw, poor Bill.


Con: Sookie finds out that Bill has Hep-V, so the first thing she does is make Bill's disease about herself.

Con: No surprise here, Sookie has Hep-V. Thus we can continue on the "woe is me," Sookie show. Never you mind that this disease doesn't actually have any harmful effects for humans. You're not listening: Sookie GAVE BILL VAMPIRE HEP-V. SHE DID! ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME!

Pro: Sookie's Hep-V-positive journey about herself did allow for some fun brother and sister time. But really, this whole thing is just infuriating.


Con: For the first time in forever, Lettie Mae chooses her daughter over herself. Decides to keep getting high and chasing the white snake over her lover.

Con: In what has been absolute barn burner of an episode, Bill finally gets to meet with his lawyer!


Pro: His lawyer is Toby Ziegler's ex-wife, Congresswoman Wyatt!

Pro: OK, the scene between Bill and his lawyer is pretty priceless. The lawyer is outright extorting Bill. And the olden vampire is disgusted and (naturally) brings up the Civil War (OMG SHUT UP ABOUT IT ALREADY). All the while, Bill's disease is spreading and WHAMMO—Bill the Dick is back. Bill cuts open her throat with a paper knife.


The monster is back! I would rather Bill cutting throats than waxing poetically about the past any day of the week. It's stupid and violent and funny and very, very True Blood. Yay!

Pro: Sarah heals her sister because SURPRISE, she drank the super convenient, never ever hinted at antidote (plots are hard sometimes). So I guess that means Eric can't kill her yet. But now we know there's a cure. So OK.

Con: Violet picks up the Fae Baby and her little boyfriend. The only reason I'm interested in this is because Violet is scary as fuck. And she's even scarier when she's being nice. She is going to murder them in an extremely violet and frightening way. Excellent.