Last night we all said goodbye to True Blood forever, and shit got weird. Really weird and morbid and silly and—well, it was all just so very True Blood.

Oh my god, this is it. The very last True Blood pro/con recap forever. Welp, let's do this:


Con: We pick up right in the beginning of Bill "calling on Sookie." Remember last episode, Eric was all, "Bill would like to call on you." It was all up in the air as to whether or not Sookie would take said "call." And we all sat with bated breath until, yes, Sookie accepted Bill's call and now here it is happening, live in the undead flesh. Bill, calling on Sookie. Right now. I mean this is a show that once killed the major villain with a physics defying, fist/horn of a man who shape-shifted into a bull, but no go ahead, let's get on with the hot calling action.

Pro: Sookie is still upset with Bill's plan to embrace his impending doom. She speaks for us all when she says, "What the fuck?" And really, truly, what the ever-loving fuck, Vampire Bill?


Pro: Vampire Bill says, "This disease, it's made me feel more human than I've ever felt before. Even when I was human." Just let that sentence wash over you for a minute… nope, still not sure what that means.

Con: Bill tells Sookie he has decided to kill himself, so Sookie can have a baby. They cannot merely breakup and move to other parts of the globe because neither of them (Bill specifically, as he is the one with magical powers and the means) has the willpower of a 16-year-old. So they simply cannot breakup. Death is the only answer.


Pro: Bill asks Sookie to give him the "ultimate kindness," a.k.a. Bill asks Sookie to kill him and drain herself of all her fairyness forever. AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA, of COURSE he does. "How could mah suicide emotionally devastate mah loved ones evan further?"

Con: The very last titles. Pan to dead catfish, alligator… snake…. dead fox SOB SOB SOB SOB. This is it! This is the end.

Pro: Cut to Fangtasia. Eric is tired of this shit. Decides to take the finale into his own hands. Game set match, Viking Vampire.


Pro: Eric informs Pam that he's going to kill the Yakuza Vampires. Pam is thrilled. He then releases Sarah Newlin, after giving her some of Pam's blood because he's tried trusting; he's tried [PAUSE PAUSE PAUSE] sharing "and it's just not fucking working for me." So many pros in this scene. First up, a pro to this finale finally getting underway. A pro to Eric's amazing "fuck this shit, I'm a fucking vampire!" speech. Pro to Eric's delivery of SHARING paired with a firm hand palming of Sarah Newlin like when the cat is trying to get into the takeout Indian Food—"No that is not for you that is not kitty food, no"—and a pro to Pam and Eric back in the Best Friends Forever club!

Pro: Pam: "Oh, I am so fucking with you." Me too!

Pro: Pam and Eric kill everyone and this plot, OK sure!


Pro: Pam and Eric blowup/burn to death the Yakuza cowboy because I don't know, the show ran out of zoomy ways to kill and be killed by vampires? Sure? Why not blow up a tunnel with a gas can and a zippo lighter? That's how that works.

Pro: And because True Blood is nothing if not meticulous with plot details, Eric flies over to Sookie's house and kills the gang members who were sent there to murder Sooks. Eric then steals their car and ROCKS THE FUCK OUT.


Pro: I am exceedingly surprised that the Yakuza showdown was not how this series ended. Turns out there will be no "we battle with silver samurai swords at midnight" massacre. Color me surprised. OK, you got me True Blood. What's next?

Pro: Pam finds Sarah Newlin at the Bon Temps carousel because of course she does.

Pro: Sarah asks, "I'm a horrible person aren't I?" Pam responds, "Yes dear, you are." Snap.


Pro: True to form, Sarah Newlin tries to fuck her way out of her mess, asks Pam if she can turn her into a vampire and in response she will sex Pam. Pam declines, basically telling Sarah she's vile, thus being the first character to really reject Sarah Newlin's sexual advances, which makes sense as Pam is the best.

Con: Hot Vampire Bill thinking action!


Pro: Jessica comes home with Hoyt. Vampire Bill and Hoyt chatter and Vampire Bill turns into my real-life Arkansas grandmother chirping in the nicest manner ever, "Oh I did find a bag of blood, but I didn't know it was from you!"

Pro: I will so deeply miss a show where characters just casually throw around the term "bag of blood" and mean a literal bag full of blood.

Con: Jessica reveals that she came over to Bill's house to say that she's accepted the fact that Bill wants to die, even though she doesn't want him to die. Well, thank goodness we're being told this. UGH. NOT A GOOD SIGN.


Con: Also fuck this shit. Bill, you're a shitty Maker. Help raise your fucking child.

Con: Bill continues his run of telling everyone in Bon Temps how to live their life. Asks Hoyt if he's going to propose to Jessica. Note, Hoyt has no memory of Jessica and his past relationship and just technically met her yesterday (in his mind). Truly there is no other character who has handled their own death with such presumptuous dickery.

Pro: Hoyt makes the face I make when someone asks if I ate the last pudding in the fridge.


Pro: Hoyt answers Bill, "Yes sir, I do." And it's with such certainty and self-assuredness that it almost makes this whole uncomfortable situation that Bill concocted for his own selfish reasons slightly more tolerable. Aw, if they get engaged that would be really, really sweet.

Pro: Understandably, Jessica asks Bill to go into the next room because JESUS CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? Jessica tells Bill, "Hi, yeah, I've been dreaming about my wedding day all my life and you basically forcing an engagement on me seconds before you're going to turn into a stain on the carpet wasn't really what I had in mind." Yes. Good. Tell him.


Con: BILL MAKES JESSICA'S ENGAGEMENT ALL ABOUT HIMSELF. Tells Jessica that his biggest regret isn't getting to walk his real daughter down the aisle and that if he died, it would be nice knowing that she was spoken for. So that's why he's pushing this really, really uncomfortable idea upon two people that have only been together for one sex night. Also, this is a pretty ancient drum to be banging on a show that has championed different relationships. But maybe this is canon for Bill and his old-timey morals and twisted male gaze upon young women. Everyone needs to be spoken for because Bill wills it that way.

Con: Jessica decides that she's going to get married to Hoyt right now, for Bill.


Con: I have waited A VERY LONG TIME for this wedding. This feels bananas contrived. What the hell is going on?

Pro: Cut to a flashback of Sookie when she was little with Tara and Gran. Hey, Gran!


Con: Sookie heads to Jason's house and Bridgette answers his door wearing his underwear. Totally normal none-weird thing to do Bridge.

Pro: Sookie tells Jason that Vampire Bill wants her to "kill him with my light ball." Note that is a real piece of dialogue that was written in a script for a show on HBO.


Pro: Sookie and Jason lean on each other; it's very nice. One thing these two actors always did very, very well was create nonsexual chemistry. There's a part of me deep down inside that truly believes these two are real-life blood relatives.

Pro: Jason tells Sookie he doesn't have any advice for her, but that he loves her either way, which is really the best advice you can give someone. It fills me with joy that we are closing out this series with Jason and Sookie still very good friends and very close family members. While Jason might be a walking penis and Sookie may be still carrying around the cross because SHE GAVE BILL HEP-V, when these two are together something organic happens. And I like it.


Pro: Welp. Jessica and Hoyt are getting married, so I'm just going to magic pretend that Hoyt didn't dump his girlfriend in the middle of nowheresville Louisiana. And I'm going to pretend that Jessica removed the glamour thus allowing these two amazing characters to reconnect on a real level of forgiveness and growth. This way I will be able to board this boat with the rest of the shippers and be happy for the ham-fisted Hoyt and Jessica wedding True Blood is throwing for Vampire Bill. Sigh.

Pro: Hey, at least they has a sign!


Con: I get why Holly is invited to this wedding. She's Andy's date and Andy was asked to perform the ceremony. But honestly, why is Arlene there? She was pretty awful to Jessica for most of the True Blood series. I'm super glad Arlene and turned it around, and maybe her invitation to this is a sign of their new friendship I never picked up on? Still seems weird. Arlene made Jessica's job at Merlotte's hell.

Con: Hot inheritance talk action. Bill asks Andy to rent Jessica his home for $1 a month. Great story, everyone! Glad we're spending time on this in the last episode of True Blood ever.


Pro: However, the past scene where Vampire Bill killed the lawyer was perfection.

Pro: Jason helps the groom with his tie. Jason is wearing an amazing suede coat.

Con: These two guys reconnecting only manages to really drive home just how fucked up it is that Hoyt has zero memories from his entire friendship with Jason. They were best friends! Isn't there some way to un-glamour Hoyt? Let them reconnect through forgiveness and growth? No? Please? It's really creepy and sad.


Pro: Hoyt tells a story about how he feels like the guy from Regarding Henry. Jason tells him they actually rented that movie together. Hoyt has no memory of it. It's incredibly sad.

Con: Look, I don't call bullshit on this show a lot. It is, after all, a show about vampires who have sex with each other. However, if you're trying to convince me that Jason Stackhouse and Hoyt Fortenberry rented, sat down and watched Regarding Henry together, you've got another think coming. No fucking way.


But the point/moment is not lost on me.

Pro: Jason ends the season with an excellent Jason-ism: "It's been a long fucking week and it's been a weird fucking week... We gotta live every day like it's our last. And if we do that, it puts everything in prescription for us." Yup.

Pro: Jessica looks beautiful in her last-minute wedding dress. Bill walks her down the short aisle. It's all very nice. Also, props to whomever picked out the pink roses over the on-the-nose blood red roses. The pink is nice.


Con: But at the same time epically sad. No way this is what Jessica had imagined for her "big day." I just keep thinking, if Bill gets better, Jessica is going to be sooooooo pissed.

Con: Where are Eric and Pam? Jessica lived with Eric and Pam. They should be invited to this. They should be here, if only to make it more... more.


Pro: Andy saves the wedding from spiraling into a very contrived soap opera Hail Mary maneuver by delivering a very sweet vow speech. They didn't write any vows and they didn't have any rings, but the simple vows where they exchanged hearts melted my cold soul into goo: "I give you my heart as a symbol of our love. For today, for tomorrow and for all the days to come." I'm glad these two found each other, even if the getting to it was sloppy as all hell. I still like that in the big wide world that is True Blood, Hoyt Fortenberry married Jessica Hamby.

Pro: Also a big pro to these two actors. They're going to be big, big stars. Same goes for the writers and crew that helped craft the Hoyt and Jessica love story, especially the early beginnings. From that Baby Vampire smile, the vampire hotel first time to breakup. You broke my heart so completely, well done.


Pro: For the first time in forever, Sookie can hear Bill's thoughts. What is he thinking? Caveman stuff, "So happy, so much pain, don't let them see. Be here, be present. So happy." Of course he is. Naturally, this solidifies Sookie's decision to kill Bill.

Con: Bridgette and Jason are probably going to get married. This is ridiculous; heaven forbid anyone on this show wind up alone. Also, con to Bridgette getting more screen time than Lafayette in the finale. This is buuuullsheet.

Con: Oh my god, "Hey Alcide's truck door."


I was not ready for that.

Con: Sookie stops by the church to talk about some stuff. This is time well spent.


Pro: Sookie changes from her wedding top bun hairstyle into a more serious, murder-friendly, low chignon. Time for murder.

Con: Sookie meets Bill at his coffin, which she had dug up for him. Which was thoughtful of her to do. This is really going to happen, isn't it?


Pro: Bill shows up for his death wearing the SAME HENLY HE WORE IN THE PILOT. This seems like a dick move. Remember the day we met? The love, the passion, the weird people that hit you in the face with a stick in the parking lot? Well, I wore this to think of you, and to let you know that even those memories were fun, I still choose death over being with you. I had the cure in my hands, and decided nope, death.

Con: Sookie says, "I'll never forget you." Bill responds, "I wish I could say the same, but I don't know what happens next." THANKS, DEBBIE DOWNER.

Con: Bill gets in his coffin. Sookie builds up her light ball and then decides she can't kill Bill with her light ball. Wait, what?


Pro: Sookie decides not to let Vampire Bill dictate the rest of her life by causing her to use up all her fairy powers on his death wish. Good for you, Sookie. Who made Bill the king of the fucking universe? You do you.

Con: And yet the weirdness continues on. They decide Bill shall die by stake to the heart via Sookie. God, this is so morbid and so weird.


Con: Sookie straddles Vampire Bill in his coffin, kisses him, and together they pull the stake into his heart and it is straight awful.


Con: So the 7-year long saga of who will Sookie pick—Eric, Bill, Alcide—ends in a puddle of blood goo in an antique coffin. You may call this a tragic love story; I call this a dick move by a prick vampire who didn't have enough self control to remain friends with an ex.

Pro: Instead of thinking that Sookie and Bill were never meant to be, which makes a lot of the earlier years of this show ring a little bit hollow, I will think that Bill had morphed into a monster incapable of love.

I guess the big kicker for me is the last episode, where Bill told Eric that all they will do is bring darkness into Sookie's life because they are evil and she is good and the light. OK, but by that assumption ALL vampires are evil and bring darkness to their loved ones' lives. Then why did we spend so many years and this very finale episode of the series championing the love of a young vampire woman and a young human man? Why are they exempt from this new discovery that Bill just made? Because Bill is old and selfish and set in his ways, I guess. What about adopting or surrogacy? Sookie could have had a child and a relationship with a vampire (anyone else rooting that Alcide had impregnated Sookie before his death with a little were-baby?). Plus, there are people dating vampires with kids on this series. So yeah, I see Bill's final act as nothing more than dramatics.


Pair that with the odd constant, "Bill is turning more human" hints or teases and you have some really obviously audience manipulation that either cut out last minute or never really thought through. Bill feels warm, Sookie can read his thoughts, he tells Sooks he feels more human, this series did everything but hold up a flash card saying "we want you think we're turning him human." And then nothing. That felt manipulative for silly reasons. Dangling hope at the end of the finale seems kind of cruel.

Instead, I will think that the massive damage Bill did through his many years of dating Sookie just couldn't be taken back and that their relationship had nowhere else to go but in the ground. That being said, I am very happy that Sookie didn't decide to waist her fairy gift on Bill's demise. Good for her.

Pro: OH THANK GOD, IT'S PAM AND ERIC, "One year later."

Pro: Here's the best part of the finale right here.

Pro: Oh man, Eric has the home shopping delivery down. And the smile.


Pro: Did you catch who was working the teleprompter?

Pro: Basically Pam and Eric own New Blood (which weirdly has Sarah Newlin's face on it). And now they are fabulous billionaires, who in the meantime keep the real Sarah Newlin locked up in the basement of Fangtasia where people pay $100,000 a minute to feed on her. Sadly, we have no sympathy for the little blonde who tried to commit genocide.


Pro: And we're glad to see her insanity has heralded the return of one smiling face. Thanks for the laughs, Steve! Never stop layering that t-shirt over the button down.

Pro: While everyone seems to be a bit all over the place this finale, one constant remains. Eric and Pam are absolutely dynamite together. Thank goodness these two have each other, because it just works. Even when they are being monsters, which they sometimes are, they're still a pair you can't help but root for. Get rich, live forever. We love you, Pam and Eric.


Pro: Meanwhile, back in Bon Temps, what remains of the gang has returned for Thanksgiving. Everyone has paired off and are reproducing. Jason has kids (with Bridgette). Sam's back. Arlene is still with that vampire and, no real surprise, Sookie is pregnant. Because being married and pregnant is the life goal or something, I don't know.

Con: And of course she's with some faceless guy, because JOKE'S ON YOU AUDIENCE. You don't get to know who Sookie ends up with. She chose herself like Kelly in 90210. Sookie made her choice and she chooses me, and this guy whose face you'll never see. WOOF.

Pro: But I'll admit, seeing everyone together around the table cheersing with blood or wine or beer made me a little weepy. Perhaps it was the excellent taste in closing music. Or the fact that everyone looked happy. I want the folks of Bon Temps to be happy, and if murdering Bill in his own empty coffin set Sookie free to do whatever it is she's doing, then so be it. Be free, Sookie. Free from whiny flopsy headed vampire mimes.


Con: There was not nearly enough Lafayette.

In the end, I wound up liking the Thanksgiving send-off, minus the faceless man. It was time to say goodbye and say thank you. Thank you to this weird show where vampires humped their way through hot topic issues, in a way that only True Blood can. Ending on the day of thanks with an episode titled "Thank You" felt like the show was trying to give everyone who watched this show for seven seasons a big hug. And I'd like to think that this feast was eaten atop the vampire boardroom table

But if you need even more closure, I suggest watching this wrap video. It's the best.

And I too want to say thanks. Thank you so much for watching True Blood with me and reading my inane, insane ramblings about this series. Recapping True Blood at io9 has been probably one of the best experiences I've had working here so far. And that's mostly because of all y'all. I really love you guys. So thanks.


Also thanks to True Blood. There will never be another show like you. Seriously, you made a character twist another character's head all the way around around mid-coitus. I'd like to see HBO's Veep do that.

You were a clever series that always managed to surprise. So thanks, TB. And let's end it all on a Pro.

Pro: Pam And Eric Forever.