On Blindspot, NBC introduces its viewing audience to the perils of the Internet! Punk hackerz, dangerous apps made in Hackathons, and words like “blockchain,” “database,” and “Perl” are invoked to explain how The Online is a scary place. But don’t worry, you’re not watching The Big Bang Theory—we still get our meatspace machine gun battles.
Spoilers for episode 6 of Blindspot, “Cede Your Soul,” will now be downloaded. Watch out for malware.
The anagram this week is “Cloud Our Eyes.”
Friends, I fear we are ever unravelling. Six episodes in and we still know pretty much nada about Jane’s past, why she’s tattooed, what happened with Weller’s dad, whether she’s really Taylor Shaw, whether she and Weller have any chemistry, whether the agents on the team are fully realized people with their own hopes and dreams and life goals. This episode didn’t totally suck, but it gave us absolutely no answers, while making the central tattoo mystery 1000% more complicated.
Commenters have joked here in the past about how the show was going to perpetuate itself when they ran out of tattoos, and the Blindspot TPTB seem to have heard you. Because, in the end, we learn that Jane’s tattoos are actually doubly or triply or hell let’s even say quadruply coded and we could stay here, locked in our own prison of inked hell, getting clues from them forever, or at least for three or four seasons. Fuck.
But on to the plot this week. The Internet is scary and can be harnessed to kill! It is perpetuated by punk-ass hackers barely out of diapers who have no respect for your authority. Anywho, a rogue app with a wacky web 2.0 name, Trakzer, is being used to track—get it?—the location of government vehicles, whose occupants die in a spray of bullets. We meet its creator, a young lady hacker in threatening makeup who plays loud, possibly Satanic music. Jane befriends her because they’re both alone and alienated, which at least gives Jane an additional emotion to act out other than her UST with Weller. Jane has a sort-of friend! Baby steps.
Speaking of unresolved sexual tension, Jane has a sex dream. Jane remembers sex! We can’t see her shadowy partner, except that they are also tatted up. Hot British Psych Doc thinks the partner’s deep-rooted tree tattoo points to Jane thinking about Weller in the sack, and on his side of the plot Weller is also told to lay off his bordering-on-creepy preoccupation with Jane. So in this episode, Jane and Weller do less painful staring at each other and are At Odds. Will they ever be bordering-on-creepy with each other again???
Meanwhile on the Internets, Punk Hacker Gurl leads the agents to another, more evil hacker, who had posed as the yet even more evil NSA to obtain her app code. They smoke him out—literally—and that seems to be that. The episode is halfway done and less action-packed than we’ve ever seen it. There’s even joking commentary about that! No one tried to kill us yet, LOL. META FORESHADOWING. We know it’s not an episode of Blindspot until there’s at least one major gunbattle in an urban setting.
“It’s OK, it’s Monday. This has to happen.”
Jane stands in for NBC’s target audience in not understanding a damn thing about computers because she forgot everything, OK? So every time Patterson says a daunting tech word like “mainframe,” Jane literally says “What?” and it is all explained to her. Last night, Blindspot taught several millions in its demographic about the terrifying Dark Web, where assassinations, drugs, sex crimes and anything you can damn well imagine runs wild. You pay for it with Bitcoin, which is untraceable. Damn those meddling kids and their infernal blockchains.
All of this brings us, of course, to Jane’s only friend in peril, threatened by a Russian heroin ring that is out to get its hands on a secret cache of weapons and—I can’t, you guys. I just can’t. If I had problems with last week’s ridiculous shootout in the graveyard, what do you do with rocket launchers and grenades being tossed around in a New York City parking lot? I just don’t have the will to care enough anymore, because as usual we know that our Hero Squad will save the day. I pause in yawning only to mine more Bitcoin.
“If we don’t look at each other, they can’t say we don’t have smoldering sexual tension.”
Punk Hacker Gurl is the one to figure out that Jane’s tattoos have secret additional “steganography” coding. Because she’s a coder!! Is she going to stick around to appeal to the youths? I hope so, because her disdain for the team reflects my own growing disgruntlement. In There Are Other Characters On This Show We Think News, Zapata pays off her gambling debts (BUT AT WHAT COST?), Reade gets nothing to do (again), Command Lady Mayfair does even less, Patterson’s adorable dork boyfriend is totally going to betray her horribly, Weller is a grimacing dick to his shady dad, and Jane is lonely.
When the camera pans away from Jane’s failed attempt to get her protection detail drunk, we see a hot dude with the tree tattoo she sexdreamed about spying on her. For a moment I thought it might be a resurrected Mystery Beard, and reader, my heart fluttered. But no, it’s only another sketchy attractive man following Jane for unknown purposes.
Probably they’re going to meet, have sex, and then he will die in an unexpected fashion while on the verge of exposing Truths Yet Unplotted. Because I’m pretty sure we’re not going to figure out the mysteries of Blindspot until the writers do, and I’m not convinced they have any idea whatsoever where they’re going.
See you next time in cyberspace, console cowboys.
Crucial hacker media studied by the Blindspot writers’ room.