This week was A LOT of talking on True Blood. Gabby vampires, talky humans... there was hardly any sex at all. But never fear: we've have a BIG surprise for you guys in this review, check it out. Spoilers below...
So how do you compete with last weeks amazing vampire lounge lizard moment? Easy, Melrose Place it up. This week was all feelings, elaborate costumes and tears, bloody tears. I enjoyed it, but I feel like we're moments away from the good stuff, and I can't wait to see Godric and his frat buddies unleashed on these Christian vampire haters (seriously Godric looked like the morning remnants from a Jersey Shore party, tribal arm tatt included, and after I said he looked neat a few weeks ago... Tsk, tsk.)
But I'm getting ahead of myself... onward, to the Pros and Cons of True Blood.
Con: Not even threatening the death of my beloved puppy boy can make me interested in the done-to-death sex parties. Maryann, you need a new shtick, and fast. But on the other hand, it did give us this...
Pro: The screaming. Oh, the screaming. Eggs — well there really isn't much else to say at this point is there? It was fun being on that vampire show, wasn't it? Time to pack your things and just go, OK? Thanks, you can keep the tight t-shirts and guitar.
Con: Also, I think it's important to note that certain people keeping their tops on during the sexy party are ruining the reality of the sexy party. Just sayin'.
Pro: I'll take two vampire-hating kits and board games, please.
Pro: Bill's outfit and reading of the foreshadowing book are uber subtle, no? What's next an "I'm troubled" tank top?
Pro: Finally learning where Bill's horrible accent comes from, his sexy maker. "You are Vampire, they are food." She must have coined the whole "I Am Vampire" phrase and passed it on to him. Also I agree with the whole "Bill is a wet blanket" idea — it's so true.
Con: While I enjoyed learning more about Bill's roots, this whole back and forth is like watching a soap opera that never gets interesting. Why did we need the little flapper girl? She was cute, but not "Let's have sex on top of her while she gurgles out her last breath" interesting. They just sent her away. Couldn't Lorena have done something exciting with her? Like ripped off her scalp, and tried to go dusty blond? Now that would have been incredible, and believable in the TB verse. But instead Bill is all, "I can't" and Lorena is, "you must" and I'm all, "I'm out of chocolate milk....*shrug* Yeah, I can miss this scene."
Pro: Jason nailed the "Ooooh crap, what did I just get myself into?" post-coital face. Wonderful, bravo. This whole moment watching Sarah realize she's in love with Jason, and him freak the hell out, was hilarious. Ryan Kwanten deserves the Golden Globe this year.
Pro: Hoyt And Jessica. I wasn't surprised that either of them was a virgin, but Jessica, you stun and amaze me with your delivery of the term "Dickhead." I felt like I was on that bed, too, talking about how much our parents suck, and boyz, and whatnot. She is real, they are real, this whole relationship is too real to be about vampires. I love you both, thank you.
Pro: Meanwhile over at the "vampires who pretend to care about humans" posse. It's a sexy-off! Vampire Cowboys versus Vampire Bikers. It's hard for me to pick a favorite, but I'm always going to lean a little towards Ed Quinn, because... well, look at him. Still, we're getting bits and pieces of Eric this season that are, in turn, making him more interesting, and therefore not just a walking hair cut.
Con: We almost made it through a whole episode without getting served another helping of bad Eggs. Sigh for another gross cuddle moment. Also another con for trying to bring back the Reese's Pieces line — not funny last episode, and still not funny now.
Pro: When Steve finds out who Jason really is, the look on his face, that's real love and betrayal. He took that "Jason loves vampires" news like it was his own boyfriend — this should be good.
Pro: "The bleeds have begun," I like that this is what happens to vampires when they don't rest — nice foreshadowing from Jessica earlier, as well. And speaking of Jess, where the hell is she in all of this? I know that their rooms are combined and soundproof, but really? She doesn't try to leave at all.
Con: For a second there, I really thought Maryann had killed Daphne in rabbit form, and then they were going to eat her. That would have been funny. But it was just a rabbit... Right?
Pro: "The road crew?"
Pro: Sam is next to tears, because he slept with someone who didn't treat him like the precious princess he really is. Oh, and she tried to kill him — but I think it's more about the sex. Shoot her, shoot her!
Pro: Finding out what Maryann is from Daphne, even though we all kind of knew already. Still, I'm hoping this means we can move forward with the sexy-party storyline.
Pro: Hugo has a point: I can see how having a relationship would ruin just about everything in your life. I would sympathize more if he stopped complaining.
Pro: We're staring to see the old Lafayette return — big pro.
Pro: Date raping Terry — you know, just a little bit. Kind of hilarious that this is what she assumed happened, bless her.
Pro: He bought candles and roses... of course Hoyt did. My heart, it weeps for more understanding menfolk. But quick question: When he left to go get his flowers and candles what did Bill and his Maker think? Wouldn't he have to walk past them both?
Con: Sarah shooting Jason. You could tell it was a dart, I'm not fooled. (or paintball OK!!!)
Pro: Daphne's death, bye-bye to those sad wittle puppy eyes. For a second, a split second, I actually felt sorry for her. But in reality this character served her purpose, and it's time for her to go. Also why exactly did Eggs need to be here for this again?
Con: Why is it Sookie is always the one who's getting sexually assaulted? It's always her — no one else really. Seems like we're forcing the damsel-in-distress issue a bit. She's already locked up, we need more?
Con: Vampire Suicide! I found myself yelling Do it, do it, do it, do it. That whole set up is just silly and dramatic — perfect for another Vampire Days of Our Lives flashback. While I like the emotion it's just a lot of screaming about stuff we already assumed, in pretty dresses.
Pro: This whole adorable moment. Don't worry detective you're not going crazy, yet. And fuck those zombies.
Pro: More Barrie. But who grabbed him?
Con: Godric looking 1,000 times less cool than before. I feel dirty for getting excited about him if they were just going to wrap him up like a Freshman co-ed.
Finally here's the surprise....
Last week's episode was... well, it moved me. The flashback featuring Bill as Data the white-faced-robot-vampire took me to places I didn't even know I could reach. Words fail me, and my true gratitude for the piano playing vampire can only be expressed with this brilliant video, so enjoy:
Video by Mike "piano cat" Byhoff.