The Smurfs Bring Out The Big Guns To Make Us Care About Their Movie

Illustration for article titled The Smurfs Bring Out The Big Guns To Make Us Care About Their Movie

How can the people behind the upcoming Smurfs movie - based on the "classic" Belgian cartoon - make their film an attractive proposition? Adding Colombian-born hottie Sofia Vergara to a cast that already included Neil Patrick Harris. Just stop already.

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Listen, Hollywood. It's time we came to an understanding. I am not going to see your Smurfs movie. It was, yes, a part of my childhood, but it doesn't sit in the fondness zone. In fact, I actively hated the Smurfs and all they stood for. So it's not going to happen.

Still, I applaud your efforts: casting the all-singing, all dancing, all-awesome Neil Patrick Harris was a good first volley against the impossible. And recruiting the, ah, bouncy Sofia Vergara is like unleashing a Hotness Nuke. The Columbia vixen that's been rolling her Rs all over Modern Family is a noble gambit, but it still won't work. Those little blue balls of joy aren't getting my money.

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Unless... Unless you coax Sean Connery from retirement. Hell, I watched both Zardoz and The Avengers simply because he was in 'em. Or if you get Nathan Fillion. (Please, don't get Nathan Fillion. I'd be duty-bound. I sat through DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES for him.)

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DISCUSSION

ManchuCandidate
ManchuCandidate

Is it wrong that I was on Team Gargamel?