Big, big things happened last night on Once Upon A Time. But I'm not really sure what's happening anymore, I mean does anyone really understand how magic works on this show?

First big thing I noticed: LOL NO ONE CAME TO THE BLUE FAIRY'S FUNERAL!!!???

Also why were her legs showing? Is that a thing? I've never been to a funeral for someone where you could see their legs. That might be a thing and I'm ignorant, but whatever that is an EMPTY church. Looks like this lady was well-loved.


Moving on... a couple of fairytale characters have to retrieve the "black wand," because that is the way magic works on this show and sometimes it's easier to make up a brand new spell or artifact errand, instead of forcing characters to talk to each other. So they go to the funeral, trap Pan's shadow in a coconut, and revive the Blue Fairy from death. "YAY!" says no one, because no one came to her funeral.

Then there are a bunch of random flashbacks — because a whole hour of storytelling in one timeline is TOO BORING for this audience, and once again Once hints that maybe Tinkerbell and Hook had sex. I would be into it.

Let's see, um what else? Or right, Rumpelstiltskin died! LOL of course he didn't. But he did stab him and his dad with the magic knife, and now he's not the dark one anymore, the end. Then they disappeared.

Regina has to undo the spell that Pan started — the same curse she started, which mean it reboots the whole thing and puts them back to square one. But it also means that she has to give up the thing she loves most, because MAGIC HAS RULES YOU GUYS. Which means she has to give up Henry.

Also, rebooting the curse means Emma and Henry have to get the fuck out of Storybrooke because they weren't a part of the curse — they avoided it originally, by being jettisoned by a magic tree and/or being born on Earth. Question: Then why does Neal have to go with the magical people? Did he also avoid the curse? Does this also mean that Pinnochio is not some hideous little boy anymore? He also avoided the curse, does this mean we get him back in human adult hot male form? Because I would be agreeable to that. Also why does Tinkerbell have to go back? She's from Neverland, and this was not a curse that directly applies to her I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THIS LOGIC.

But you know what? That's OK. Because I liked it. I liked spending time away from Neverland island, I loved being back in Storybrooke. Even if just for a moment. I'm disheartened the whole town disappeared, because I really loved exploring this place and was seriously hoping that the mid-season break would set up for some good Storybrooke time in the end of this season. NOT SO.

Why? Because this series uses magic to throw the plot any way it likes, and the writers can throw their hands up and say "but it's magic!" And we can't argue, because they are right: It's magic. But it would be nice of some of this made some sense. And if this was explained and I missed it, then that's on me.


Meanwhile, the curse is rebooted and presto, change-o it's one year later and that Lou Reed song "Charley's Girl" is on again.

You remember it, from back when Neal was sexily strutting around New York City looking so fine in that suit. Back when we all thought he was Peter Pan. Whilst I enjoy the magnificent swagger that is Captain Hook saying ridiculous things and making ridiculous gestures. I'm on team Neal. Even though his character has basically been whittled down into a white male who runs from one end of the screen to the other crying, "Henry, I love you!" Meanwhile, Hook is given dashing errands and excellent dialogue, I will always love Neal. I think it's because of the first very Lost-like reveal of this character. And the heartbreak he inflicted on his family (although he didn't know he had a family) and because he looks like a puppy.


That said, this scene still filled me with happiness. Because we all know the one true, Once Upon A Time Rule "true love's kiss is like the heroin of magic or something" and that fixes everything. So clearly Emma is not truly in love with Hook, because that would have brought her memories back, like when she kissed Henry and broke the curse. Ha ha! One point for Neal. Also why play that song all over again? That's NEAL'S JAM! Then again,this is Once Upon A Time and maybe they'll hit us with a "Hook didn't jump through the necessary magic-errand-running plot-fillers" thing, so this whole situation could be reset pretty easily. Oh well.

Either way, looks like Hook has to convince Emma of who she really is. I didn't dislike this episode at all. Any time this show spends more time on EARTH I'm happy. There's good in there, and I choose to cheer for it. Also I was on a lot of cough medicine laced with codeine while I watched this, so that could have helped.

In conclusion here are the stray observations I also picked up on:

  • Looks like Rumps is STILL alive, thanks to the preview for the next episode. Thank goodness — without Robert Carlyle, there is no show.
  • Snow White's bridal hair looked WAY better this go 'round.
  • Regina is great. She was super great saying goodbye to Henry, and this half season has finally been good to her. Good riddance to the ridiculous up-and-down character rollercoaster that was last year.
  • Seriously why do Neal and Pinnochio and Tink get to go home?
  • And finally, the Wicked Witch of the West is in the next episode? My response can be found below.

Until the next episode, which will probably have a moving, living scarecrow and the Pluto, and the Watchmen — because WHY NOT?