Here are the first six minutes of the Disney Channel’s Descendants, a TV movie about the second generation of Disney villains being reintegrated into the happy kingdom of the Beast. It. Is. Completely. Bananapants.

I have so many questions about this:

  1. Did Kenny Ortega actually clone Zac Efron for the son of Belle and the Beast?
  2. Is that a magic iPad at the beginning?
  3. That can’t actually be Belle’s wedding dress, right?
  4. What is this song and why?
  5. Can no one lip synch properly anymore?
  6. Who approved “Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the baddest of them all”?
  7. Is this the worst lip synching in history?
  8. Who knew there was a market for a preteen, coed Pussycat Dolls?
  9. There’s no wifi on exile island, but there is a Hot Topic?
  10. Did someone slip me a hallucinogen, or is everyone else seeing a bunch of children in multicolored pleather and dyed hair re-enact Stomp?
  11. No, but seriously, how awful is this lip synching?

That said: Of course I’m watching this next week. It’s going to be amazing.

Contact the author at