The new Fantastic Four movie is unquestionably a box office bomb, which critics have savaged with scathing reviews such as “More like the Unfantastic Four!” For those of you who want to avoid sitting through it, I have taken the liberty of chronicling the movie’s major moments… as best as I can recall them happening.
(at high school science fair)
Reed Richards: So for my high school science project, I’ve built a teleporter.
Teacher: Well, since you have somehow never proven your genius to me at any point during in the seven years I’ve taught you, I assume you are an idiot and I will treat you as such.
Ben Grimm: Hey. Anyone else think it’s weird that a high school is doing a science fair, but every single exhibit looks like an elementary school science fair project?
Reed Richards: So basically, science science science. Here, let me steal a toy plane from a kid so I can teleport it for you.
Ben Grimm: Wait a second. Why is there an elementary school kid with an exhibit next to Reed? Is this an all-ages science fair?
Reed Richards: (presses button, plane is teleported). See? Science!
Teacher: Even though I am apparently judging this science fair, I know nothing about science and thus have to assume you used magic to make that kid’s toy disappear. I have to disqualify you, because you are obviously a witch.
Ben Grimm: And how the hell has a single teacher taught us for seven straight years? This movie has just begun and already nothing makes sense.
Dr. Franklin Storm: Hello, Reed. I am a man who attends random high school science fairs looking for brilliant geniuses. I would like to offer you a full scholarship to the Baxter Foundation.
Reed Richards: Cool! I’m in!
Ben Grimm: How do you get a scholarship to a Foundation? Is it a school? Are there classes? Why are we devoting so much time to our origin story if the movie is going to half-ass it?
Dr. Franklin Storm: You are not invited.
(flashback—young Ben enters the salvage yard that is his home)
Young Ben: Man, my life sucks.
Ben’s Big Brother: What? Shut up! I’m going to beat you! It’s clobberin’ time! (beats Ben profusely)
Ben’s Mom: Stop that! Here’s how you hit a child. Excelsior! (beats Ben profusely)
Ben’s Dad: No no no! You’re doing it all wrong! Here’s how ya do it—makemine Marvel! (beats Ben profusely)
Ben’s Dad: See what we’re doing here, son? Do you?
Young Ben: YES GODDAMMIT
Ben’s Dad: Then ‘nuff said! (continues beating Ben profusely)
Ben Grimm: Um, does anyone realize we’re 45 minutes into a 105-minute movie and we don’t even have our powers yet?
Reed Richards: Okay, guys! We’ve built our big fancy teleporter! I think we should get drunk and take it for a spin.
Ben Grimm: That is an objectively terrible idea.
Reed Richards: Ben, you gotta come because we’re BFFs. Johnny helped build it, so he’s in. And then I guess… Doom should be the fourth.
Ben Grimm: Wait, what about Sue?
Reed Richards: What about her?
Ben Grimm: Sue’s coming along, right?
Reed Richards: Nah. Let’s keep it to us bros.
Ben Grimm: The hell?! We’re supposed to be the Fantastic Four. How is she supposed to get her powers if she doesn’t come with us to this other dimension?
Reed Richards: I dunno.
Ben Grimm: So you’re telling me, in this movie about the Fantastic Four, in a movie that is solely about our origin story, we’re going to exclude one of the core characters from the key moment in our origin story.
Reed Richards: I guess.
Ben Grimm: And, in 2015, we are really going to keep the one female character in the group sidelined? Do you not see the problem here?
Reed Richards: Not even slightly!
Ben Grimm: Are you okay with this, Johnny?
Johnny Storm: Sorry, my entire character description for this movie was “has daddy issues and likes cars.”
Ben Grimm: Goddamn it. Let’s just get this over with.
Sue Storm: I’m right here, guys. I’m not even invisible yet.
Reed Richards: SHUT UP SUE MEN ARE TALKING
(teleporter shuttle arrives on an alien world)
Reed Richards: Here we are… on Planet Zero!
Ben Grimm: I thought this was the Negative Zone.
Reed Richards: We renamed it for the movie.
Ben Grimm: “Planet Zero” is a dumber name than “Negative Zone.” Why aggravate the comics fans when it’s not even an improvement?
Reed Richards: Hey, look at that green energy stuff!
Doom: I’m gonna touch it.
Ben Grimm: What? You are on an alien planet in a new goddamned dimension. Why would you possibly touch anything?!
Doom: No, dude, it’s cool. I saw a scientist do it on Prometheus.
(Doom sticks hand in green energy goo, blows up; planet starts freaking out and the others run back to the shuttle)
Ben Grimm: GODDAMMIT WHY ARE ALL THE GENIUSES IN THIS MOVIE IDIOTS
Ben Grimm: Well, now I’m a giant orange rock dude with a disturbingly high-pitched voice and a visible butt crack. This sucks. At least I have the comfort in knowing that the one relationship this movie has even slightly established is the friendship between me and Reed. I know he’ll help me.
Reed Richards: (from vent) So about that…
Ben Grimm: Oh, for @#$%’s sake.
Reed Richards: We’re in some weird military installation and it’s kind of freaking me out. So I’m actually gonna skate.
Ben Grimm: Reed, you better goddamn fix me.
Reed Richards: No, I’ll totally fix you. Somehow. I’m sure that’s what I’m going to be working on, in some manner. But if you don’t see me in a year or so, don’t stress. I’m just gonna take my time with it. In fact, you should probably just plan on hunting me down and taking me back against my will.
Ben Grimm: I @#$%ing hate you.
Reed Richards: Dude, that’s a harsh thing to say. We’re the Fantastic Four! We’re like a family!
Ben Grimm: No we’re not! We’re not a family at all! I’m supposedly your best friend and you’re abandoning me for an entire year! You and Sue have absolutely zero chemistry! I met Johnny like five minutes before we went to Planet Zero! Sue and Johnny are actually family and they’ve barely even talked to each other in this dumb movie!
Reed Richards: Hmm? Sorry, I wasn’t listening, I was thinking about science. Anyways, see you later!
(Ben’s cell door opens)
Dr. Tim Blake Nelson: Ben, we want you to murder people for the U.S. military.
Ben Grimm: Of course you do. Sure, why not? I just loved the storyline in the Fantastic Four comics where the Thing joined the army and started killing enemy combatants with his bare hands oh wait I didn’t because NOTHING LIKE THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED IN FANTASTIC FOUR.
Dr. Tim Blake Nelson: To be perfectly honest, I’m pretty sure someone at Fox has confused you with the Punisher. But we need you to do something while Reed dicks around.
Ben Grimm: Goddammit.
Sue Storm: So this is my scene? I just look pensively at a lot of computer monitors to find Reed?
Man in Authority: Yes.
Sue Storm: You realize that not only did I not get to go to the other dimension, but my job on the projects was making the environment suits? Making clothes? For the men?
Man in Authority: …
Sue Storm: I was on House of Cards, you know.
Man in Authority: Less gabbing more looking pensive, honey.
Sue Storm: This is some sexist bullshit.
Man in Authority: Hey, you should see the actual Fantastic Four comics from the ‘60s. You’re lucky you aren’t running the Baxter Foundation employee daycare.
(scientists make second trip to Planet Zero)
Scientist #1: Let’s actually do some science, people.
Scientist #2: Uh, sir? It looks like someone is walking toward us.
Scientist #1: Okay, no one act even slightly surprised or concerned that there is something living on this alien planet in another dimension.
Scientist #2: Hey, it’s that Doom kid! And his face looks like a bootleg action figure!
Scientist #1: Let’s take him back to Earth.
(later, back at the base)
Doom: Hey! I gotta get back to my planet!
Dr. Tim Blake Nelson: Then why’d you even walk up to the scientists in the first place?
Doom: Shut up. (Dr. Tim Blake Nelson’s head explodes)
Doom: The world is bad so I’m going to destroy it! (everybody’s heads explode, Doom goes back to Planet Zero)
Reed Richards: Oh no! Doom has made a bad thing that will destroy the earth! We have to stop him!
Sue Storm: But he’s more powerful than any of us!
Reed Richards: Yes, but he’s not more powerful than all of us. We can beat him if we work together.
Sue Storm: The concept of teamwork had not occurred to me!
Reed Richards: It’s probably because you’re a woman.
Sue Storm: (mutters) I’m going to fire the @#$% out of my agent.
Ben Grimm: I just want to point out that a 15-second speech does not come close to mitigating the fact that you abandoned me for an entire year after you turned me into a hideous rock monster that apparently lives in constant pain and self-loathing. So even though after this fight the film is going to pretend we’re suddenly a happy family, I still hate you, Reed. And I consider Sue and Johnny acquaintances at best.
Reed Richards: Less gabbing and more punching, Ben.
(Ben punches Doom into the bad thing)
Doom: Oh no! Save me, my ill-defined powers!
(Doom dies, the bad thing stops being bad)
Reed Richards: Now we’re one big happy family! Isn’t it… fantastic? (gives finger guns to audience)
Ben Grimm and Sue Storm: Goddamn it.
Johnny Storm: I like cars. (sighs)
Fox Executive #1: Holy @#$%.
Fox Executive #2: …
Fox Executive #1: Oh, sweet Jesus. This is terrible.
Fox Executive #2: It is, but don’t panic.
Fox Executive #1: Don’t panic?! I just said I think this movie is terrible, and I’m the person who approved the X-Men Origins: Wolverine script!
Fox Executive #2: I know. I know! But panicking won’t help.
Fox Executive #1: (to assistant) Clara! Bring in the cocaine we take when we’re sad! Not the happy cocaine.
Fox Executive #2: Okay. We can fix this. We polled some nerds a while ago and asked what they wanted from a Fantastic Four movie… where is that sheet… ah ha! Okay, here it is.
Fox Executive #1: (does copious amounts of sad cocaine)
Fox Executive #2: Here’s what they said: A strong sense of family. Fun super-powers. Wild science fiction. The romantic relationship between Reed and Sue. The teasing relationship between Johnny Storm and the Thing. Marvel’s greatest villain, Dr. Doom being a badass. Just a general sense of fun.
Fox Executive #1: ...
Fox Executive #2: Okay. So this movie has absolutely none of these things.
Fox Executive #1: We’re so @#$%ed.
Fox Executive #2: Yes we are. Pass the sad cocaine, please.
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