The Most Gloriously Bad Movie I've Seen In Ages

There are plenty of "so bad they're good" movies out there. But just watch the final two minutes of Storm Trooper, in which a terrorized housewife steals a mercenary's eyepatch, puts on lipstick, and becomes a mega-badass, and tell me this film isn't something special.


In Storm Trooper, a cyborg supersoldier (John Laughlin) is on the run from the feds and their hired mercenaries. And he comes into the life of a scared housewife (Carol Alt) who just shot her abusive husband five minutes earlier. (And dragged her husband's dead body into the shower/bath, in a lengthy sequence.) This leads to a scene where the housewife, Grace, handcuffs the supersoldier, then takes a shower with her husband's dead body. All the while telling her dead husband not to peek. This could be a realistic look at trauma and someone experiencing a bit of a psychotic break — but given how weirdly every other character in this movie acts, it's hard to say.

Anyway, that guy whose eye patch she steals? That's Roth (Corey Feldman), the one member of the evil mercenary taskforce who questions their order to kill civillians:

That leads to my favorite scene in the movie, where Mitchell, the one female member of Denton's commando force, asks if she should take care of Corey for Denton (who's played by Rick "Deathstalker" Hill). Denton says not to bother, and then explains how Mitchell has the three qualities he likes in a soldier. You usually do not get acting like this outside of softcore porn.

There's a mysterious figure sitting in an armchair for hours, without saying anything, staring at a random general who's barking orders into his phone. Until towards the end of the movie, when the mysterious figure gets ordered to take down a U.S. General who's lost his goddamn mind, occasioning a glorious exchange:

And finally, here's a snippet of the film's climax where the cyborg gets damaged and resets to his original programming, as a supercop who could be "judge jury and executioner." The cyborg quickly realizes Grace killed her husband (who's still in the shower) and goes after her, but she blows him up. There are lots of Terminator-y graphics as he analyzes the situation, and it leads to this terrible Arnie rip-off moment:

We're honestly just scratching the surface here. This movie is extraordinary. No explosion happens once in this movie. Every explosion happens FIVE TIMES from different angles, over the course of a minute. People look into the camera and say cheesy dialogue as if they were trying to seduce a hearing-impaired person. The whole sinister conspiracy is kind of bizarrely terrible. And these are possibly the weakest, least competent cyborg supersoldiers ever. Van Damme would be disgusted.

All in all, if you see this movie on DVD for a buck, you owe yourself to check it out.

Edited to add: I did not realize until much later that this movie was directed by Jim Wynorski, the helmer of Chopping Mall and Deathstalker II, who went on to make a ton of direct-to-video movies and Showtime softcore pornos in the 2000s, including parodies like the Bare Wench Project series, Cleavagefield, The Hills Have Thighs and The Witches of Breastwick. (He also directed some Syfy films like Dinocroc Vs. Supergator.) That makes me understand this movie much, much better, and vastly increases my appreciation for it.


a terrorized housewife steals a mercenary's eyepatch, puts on lipstick, and becomes a mega-badass

Terrorized female? Eyepatch? Mega-badass? And? Sounds like Thriller — A Cruel Picture! [trailer is NSFW]