The Moon landings, the Higgs Boson, and vaccinations are all fake

Illustration for article titled The Moon landings, the Higgs Boson, and vaccinations are all fake

Here's an absolutely lovely bit of ranty, frustrated-scientist humor from The Guardian's Dean Burnett, that doubles as a smart explainer on the difference between true skepticism and scientifically vacant conspiracy theory. (Especially w/r/t media coverage.)


Burnett's ad-hoc reckons concerning the truthiness of Moon landings, the Higgs Boson and vaccinations are just a taste of the "science confessions" detailed in his editorial. Click through to read it in its entirety:

[THE MOON LANDING =] Yes, the moon landings were faked. Even more fake than you know. Never mind the secret studios in warehouses or what have you, the whole moon landing saga was just realistic CGI. That's right, all the footage you've seen of the supposed moon landing is entirely computer animated. The USA had access to computer technology decades ahead of what was normal in the 1960s in order to do this. But, you may say, if that was the case, why wouldn't they use their massive technical advantage to dominate everyone else on the planet economically, militarily and in every other way, rather than piss about concocting an elaborate moon landing façade? Because that wouldn't have been fair to everyone, and if there's one thing you can be sure about the US government of the 60s and 70s, they were unerringly honest about their dealings, give or take the occasional massive conspiracy.

The thing is, it doesn't stop there. Revelations rarely happen in isolation, so now that I've let the cat out of the bag with regards to the moon landings, it's only a matter of time before the true extent of the deceptions carried out by the scientific community come to light. So, in the interests of transparency, here are some other conspiracies and outright lies that science has been feeding people.

THE HIGGS BOSON = The Higgs Boson isn't a real thing, I'm afraid. It doesn't even sound like a real thing. A "boson" is a member of a ship's crew, isn't it? The whole thing was concocted as a ruse to build the Large Hadron collider, which is actually a cover for the world's biggest go-kart track, something that would never have got funding on its own merits.

If we're being honest about particle physics, the atom as is commonly portrayed doesn't exist either. There are actually only four known elements, "Earth", "Wind", "Fire" and "September". Nuclear power is actually the name given for when there is a higher density of fire in one place than normal.

VACCINATION = Although rational types have been decrying antivaxxers for years, unfortunately they are correct. Vaccinations are unnecessary; they're a cover for the true nature of disease. It was discovered long ago that all diseases were actually spread by the Dodo. Upon this realisation, scientists decided to initiate a brutal extermination campaign, which lead to their apparent extinction. However, racked by guilt over their actions, the science community concocted the whole vaccine story to explain why people weren't getting so sick anymore, and have persevered with it to this day.


Top image via UC Berkley's Understanding Science. Yes, we realize that a comic featured on a University-run website about science awareness should probably refer to the NIH by its correct, non-acronymic name of "National Institutes of Health," but we're letting it slide because it's still funny — not to mention inadvertently appropriate in light of Burnett's piece. We thank you ahead of time for your rigorous attention to detail, and sincerely commend you on your unflagging devotion to pedantry.

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Yeah, moon-hoax people are pretty much a lost cause. You'd have to actually fly them to the moon personally to satisfy them, and even then, they'd probably claim that you just recently put the evidence there prior to your arrival.