Seriously, screw all you guys. You can’t even appreciate how great my show is. I created a whole world of super-great storytelling and propane and butterflies, under me. And now, I don’t even care any more. You fuckers can just eat a magical alien egg.
Last night’s episode of Under The Dome was all about how you just don’t appreciate any of what I’ve done for you. In this episode, I put almost everybody except Big Jim and Junior and Julia into magical cocoons where they all saw ideal future lives where they moved on and found happiness and love and forgiveness and peace, without me. But Julia and Big Jim screwed everything up, with their gun-toting shenanigans. They broke my magical egg!
I don’t even need this show. I have lots of other work, and plenty of other opportunities. Do you know what I’ve been doing for the past year since Under The Dome season 2 aired? I had an amazing year — I was every single dome over every single city in the DC Comics event Convergence. It was great. I was loved and appreciated by thousands—maybe even tens of thousands—of comics fans.
And now I’m back, because this show is named after me—and I’m also under contract.
Why did I put everybody into cocoons and force them to live through a dream world where it’s a year later and everybody is getting over what happened? Where Barbie has a hot new girlfriend, Eva, and Norrie is in a sorority, and Sam is getting sober in prison, and everybody is finally getting adjusted, yadda yadda?
I don’t know. Why do I do anything? Why did I turn black? Why did I make it rain blood? Why did I bring Melanie back from the dead after 25 years and then turn her into a psycho killer with a kung fu grip? It’s all just stuff that happens under and around me! I’m unpredictable.
Anyway, I guess the point of all this is that I was trying to put them all through therapy and make them confront their issues and become better people, to help them prepare for what’s to come. But in the end, Big Jim and Julia team up—in spite of everything that’s happened, because Julia has finally lost faith in me. And Big Jim convinces Julia that Melanie is a bad egg. (No pun intended.)
My favorite moment? When a swarm of carnivorous butterflies keeps attacking Julia and Junior — and at one point, Julia hides and throws a rock down a tunnel, tricking the butterflies into going one way, while she runs the other way. She tricked a swarm of butterflies by throwing a rock.
My other favorite moment is when Joe is feeling grumpy because Norrie dumped him and meanwhile the guy who killed Joe’s sister wants to kiss and make up. And Norrie tells Joe, “You’re still trapped under a dome IN YOUR HEART.”
Do you know how many versions of Batman I had under me at once during Convergence? A LOT. Some of them were like Steampunk Batman or Batdad or Creepy Old Mecha-Batman, but still. They were all Batman. Do you know who isn’t Batman? That guy Barbie. I mean, nobody in Chester’s Mill is Batman, ispo facto, but Barbie is the one who tries the hardest to be Batman and fails.
The point is, I was going places. I had a huge superhero crossover happening under me, with gardens tended by Poison Ivy and versions of heroes that were last written by Gerry Conway in the 1970s. It was cool. I had it all. Most of all, I had a purpose. I’m still not sure what my purpose in Convergence was, but there was some reason why all those cities were under me on an alien planet. It was kind of awesome, anyway.
And now I’m stuck in Maine. MAINE. And everybody’s back to debating whether I’m here to protect them or destroy them. (Why can’t it be both?) Anyway, the big stinger of the episode is that once everybody wakes up from the cocoons, we discover Barbie’s girlfriend Eva and the FEMA therapist lady are real, and they’re inside me as well. Woop.
Most importantly, Big Jim meets a dog, who is finally someone who’s impressed by Big Jim’s authority. And Big Jim tells the dog that this whole town is his, only to have the dog come back later. I bet that dog still believes in me and my storytelling prowess.