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The Best Scenes From Insane Old Star Trek Coloring Books

Illustration for article titled The Best Scenes From Insane Old emStar Trek/em Coloring Books

It's been long established that children's coloring books are the apex of any and all science fiction narratives. Star Trek is no different, what with over two dozen coloring books to the franchise's name. Here are some select scenes for your enjoyment and/or confusion. Who wants to draw Geordi's visor?

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Illustration for article titled The Best Scenes From Insane Old emStar Trek/em Coloring Books

Let's start with this scene, which comes from the 1979 coloring book Rescue in Raylo. Kirk and the gang battle a mad scientist and his tiny robot army who want to transform the Enterprise crew into mindless slaves. And because of these plot particulars, 1970s children got to color William Shatner in a state of imperiled ignorance.

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Illustration for article titled The Best Scenes From Insane Old emStar Trek/em Coloring Books
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Of course, Spock saves the day. We have seen fine portraits of Leonard Nimoy, but never one so aggressively macho. If you're looking to develop an acute case of objectum sexuality, this is a good place to start.

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Illustration for article titled The Best Scenes From Insane Old emStar Trek/em Coloring Books

Beat the hell out of that Smurf, Kirk! Beat him to corpse!

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Yes, Star Trek coloring books were brimming with bafflement and violence. Planet Encal's Dilemma gave us this tense scene of Kirk and Uhura asphyxiating. Or singing. Whatever. Choose your own adventure!

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The 1986 Star Trek Alien Coloring Book did the world a great service by reminding the world that, yes, James T. Kirk was once menaced by a kitty the size of a cabin.

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Illustration for article titled The Best Scenes From Insane Old emStar Trek/em Coloring Books
Illustration for article titled The Best Scenes From Insane Old emStar Trek/em Coloring Books
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From the 1975 Star Trek coloring book, whose cover was a scene of profound beauty. This page at left is so god-damn wonderful I refuse to sully it with another word.

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And lo, the crew goes undercover on Planet Clown. Sulu is so effing excited he develops hysterical lockjaw.

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Illustration for article titled The Best Scenes From Insane Old emStar Trek/em Coloring Books
Illustration for article titled The Best Scenes From Insane Old emStar Trek/em Coloring Books
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Illustration for article titled The Best Scenes From Insane Old emStar Trek/em Coloring Books
Illustration for article titled The Best Scenes From Insane Old emStar Trek/em Coloring Books
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And if that series didn't furnish your day with enough delicious absurdity, here's a fantastic panel from the 1979 Star Trek Color and Activity Book (via Retronaut). Here's what likely transpired:

Uhura: Kirk, let me command the Enterprise for an afternoon.

Kirk: I'm knee-deep in a trio of salt vampire call girls. Go away.

Uhura: Well, at least get rid of your pashmina fart cushion. It's impossible to take orders from you while you're muffling your flatulence in a pillow.

Kirk: I'll do you one better. If you can convince those stuffed-shirts on the bridge to dress up as crazy buffoons, you can throw my "modesty bolster" out the airlock and have your run of the Ent—

[Smash cut to 45 seconds later. Kirk is wearing a robe he stole from the clown planet in a feeble, sullen attempt to establish dominance.]

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Illustration for article titled The Best Scenes From Insane Old emStar Trek/em Coloring Books

BONUS: Some magnificent scenes from the 1997 Star Trek: The Next Generation Super Coloring & Activity Book (via Brandon Bird). Gambling Data! A medical maze! Wesley! UPDATE: Reader submissions!

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Illustration for article titled The Best Scenes From Insane Old emStar Trek/em Coloring Books
Illustration for article titled The Best Scenes From Insane Old emStar Trek/em Coloring Books
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Illustration for article titled The Best Scenes From Insane Old emStar Trek/em Coloring Books
Illustration for article titled The Best Scenes From Insane Old emStar Trek/em Coloring Books
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Play us out, you hirsute Adonis.

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