For those of you who didn't endure last night's Conan the Destroyer tweetathon, here's the cream of the phenomenally ridiculous, well-muscled crop.
We all cued up the theatrical cut of the Arnold Schwarzenegger-Wilt Chamberlain-Olivia D'Abo-Grace Jones sequel Conan the Destroyer on Netflix Instant (or on your own DVD) and Tweeted our way through it. Below, you'll find the cream of the hopped-up-on-cough-medicine crop. (For the entire event, bounce over here.)
@io9commentary "between the years when Conan the Barbarian made a shit-ton of money and Arnold got too busy to make a good movie..."
@io9commentary I've got a massive weak spot for Conan the Barbarian. A seminal influence, and not just because Sandahl Bergman was hot.
@io9commentary wow. it's like they got the second-best Bonanza stunt choreographer to design this action scene.
@io9commentary "What I want, you cannot give me." Unless it's a better wig and a tunic, I'm not interested.
@io9commentary "Why does the bad man keep punching the animals, papa?" "Because he can't bear to be outsmarted, son."
@io9commentary Ah, yet another kingdom that's never heard of bras. Conan approves. You can tell by the way he wears his furry undies.
@io9commentary Olivia D'Abo was only 15 when they shot Conan the Destroyer. So stop looking at her rack.
@io9commentary What are the odds that Ahnuld slept with Grace Jones? This was back in his "if it breathes, hump it" phase...
@io9commentary What a friggin' pimp, this wizard is. Clark Kent totally stole this look for the Fortress of Solitude.
@KickBoy Because every creepy pedophile wizard needs finger armor.
@io9commentary wow. right there, we saw Conan's mind at work. Look one direction, then another, and finally make the most obvious decision.
@io9commentary A buddy said to me, when I told him I was doing Conan the Destroyer, that this is the film that feels the most like a D&D campaign. So true.
@io9commentary the impossible stairs, the crystal palace, the giant black guy, the total lack of sex: just like a night of D&D.
@KickBoy take a shot every time Conan lifts a heavy stone wall or door.
@ErnestSalazar Why does every wizard castle fall apart when you remove the magic crystal? That's just bad structural planning folks.
@ErnestSalazar No joke, my 3 year old stopped what he was doing to stare at Olivia D'Abo's legs.
@io9commentary Here's the part in the story where the novelization has Conan sleeping with Jehnna. The infield fly-rule was in effect.
@io9commentary Seriously, the novelization was a dirty affair, with all these references to Jehnna's "alabaster breasts" and "heaving orbs"
@ErnestSalazar Knowing how my 14 year old self felt about Princess Jehnna is making my 40 year old self feel like a perv.
@io9commentary This might be the oddest, least talented cast ever assembled in the dust. Fucking Grace Jones, man.
@io9commentary "Here we are, on another dungeon crawl. I think we should arm our mystical armor and elemental weap- COOONAAN JJJEEENNKINS!"
@io9commentary That fucking guy had better stop eating all the damned jewels.
@ErnestSalazar You know what the movie has that the first one didn't: dialogue. I can't believe having dialogue is a bad thing.
@io9commentary "Hey, everybody! I got my aunt's magic dildo. We can go home now!"
@io9commentary I have, on occasion, pretended to use the Force. I have also pretended to have a wizard-fight with elevator doors. What?
@yerm0m leave to chamberlain to save only the blonde white chick.
@io9commentary "Go...I won't help. I just need this here horse. And some wine. And maybe a little liniment. I'll get those jewels out."
@io9commentary "Your dildo, my Queen."
@io9commentary Good call, @kickboy. This is Jehnna's Sweet Sixteen. Does this mean that Dagoth is her Jake Ryan?
@io9commentary Finally! Basketball player vs. bodybuilder! Which lumbering oaf will prevail?
@ErnestSalazar And here is our big finale: Ahnold, jumping on the back of a rubber costume, pulling out a nose / horn / dildo.
@io9commentary Zula gets to be the captain of the guard, and Malak gets to be the court jester. How fucked up is that?
@io9commentary "Listen, little girl. I'm an expert thief, with tons of heists under my belt and a colon full of jewels. I'm not gonna be your monkey."
@io9commentary And Conan walks off into the sunset, in search of his own kingdom, a pair of pants, and a girl of age.
@GrahamNY Wait for the Nick Fury scene after the credits.