The 5 most absurdly evil dogs to ever terrorize film

Illustration for article titled The 5 most absurdly evil dogs to ever terrorize film

Looking for really some really bad dogs? Check out these gonzo movies starring supernatural and post-canine horrors that make Cujo look like Spuds MacKenzie wearing a party hat. Here are the most malevolent mutts in moviedom.

NOTE: Honorable mention goes to 2006's The Breed for starring evil, sentient dogs, but the film's nowhere as freaky as the following flicks.

5.) Zoltan, Hound of Dracula (1978)
In this schlock classic, Dracula's dog is buried in Russia with his wampyric she-servant. (Yes, Dracula bit the dog to complete the transformation. Yes, the woman is the dog's servant.) After construction workers disrupt Zoltan's tomb 200 years later, Zoltan goes to America to seek out Dracula's last living human relative. Along the way, Zoltan transforms numerous pets into vampires, effectively creating a gang of quadruped Nosfertatus.


What I like about Zoltan's take on the vampire myth is this — you can create an entire undead pet army! If I was Dracula, I'd sink my fangs into everything — bonobos, hammerhead sharks, pillbugs, you name it! Imagine being some fucked-up Dr. Dolittle, biting individual ants who then sire vampiric anteaters. Vampiric anteaters! How does that even work? Anyway, you can visit Zoltan's tomb if you fancy a stroll around Los Angeles' abandoned zoo.

4.) Man's Best Friend (1993)
The sullen girl from The Breakfast Club adopts a genetically modified Tibetan Mastiff that escaped from Lance Henriken's lab. The Mastiff is extremely protective of Ally Sheedy and kills almost everything in his path, including her boyfriend and an unlucky cat (which he horks down like a tequila shot). You can watch the whole thing on Youtube here. It's exactly like The Six Million Dollar Man, if Lee Majors was an evil, genetically modified dog.

3.) Rottweiler (2004)
In this inscrutable trashterpiece from Bride of Re-Animator director Brian Yuzna, the naked protagonist spends a good portion of the film exposing his genitalia to the audience as a cybernetic dog chases him through Spain's "Immigration Containment Zone" in the year 2018. Yup, that's the plot.

2.) The dog from The Thing (1982)
John Carpenter's horror classic kicks off with a bunch of Norwegian scientists chasing a sled dog across the Antarctic plain in a helicopter. The dog makes it to an American research station, where one deranged Norwegian is shot and the other accidentally blows himself up with thermite. Why were they so ornery about one runaway sled dog? Allow these horrible, horrible puppets to fill you in.

1.) Devil Dog: The Hound of Hell (1978)
An innocent-looking fruit vendor sells a family a puppy...a Satanic puppy. Wrap your skull around that. The dog kills their pious maid and transforms the entire family into devil worshipers. The father goes to Ecuador to find a mystical weapon to destroy the dog. Witness the madness of this TV movie here.

PS: To all who have suggested Cujo, we appreciate your input. Sadly, he is merely an evil dog. Perhaps he is the evilest (or the most rabid) dog Hollywood ever offered up and the outlier to the popular conception that all dogs go to heaven. However, his evil is palpable — he possesses no demonic possession or Muppet tentacles. He is the solemn reminder to vaccinate your pet.

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Yes, these dogs may be evil....

But are they rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrracist?!?!?!?!