The 15 lamest sea monsters to ever doggy-paddle into cinema

Illustration for article titled The 15 lamest sea monsters to ever doggy-paddle into cinema

When Jaws hit theaters 35 years ago, Bruce the shark ruined July 4th weekend for many a beachcomber. Here are 15 lesser known dwellers of the deep. They're so ignominious that they make Jaws: The Revenge look like a documentary.

15.) Çöl (a.k.a. "The Turkish Jaws")

From the same cinematic tradition that brought us Dünyayı Kurtaran Adam (a.ka. The Man Who Saved The World a.k.a. "Turkish Star Wars") comes Çöl, which is only tangentially about a shark. No matter — Çöl earns its place in cult history for depicting a Great White with a serrated shoebox.


14.) The Beach Girls and the Monster (1965)

This movie promises "the Watusi dancing girls from Hollywood's famed Whiskey A-Go-Go," "beauties in bikinis laughing, singing, surfing, sinning," and "beach party lovers making hey-hey in the moonlight!" I can't fault the monster here for looking like the Creature from the Black Lagoon's inbred cousin, but I can take him to task for ruining all that promised hey-hey. Hey usher, I paid two wheat pennies for this nickelodeon!

13.) Blood Surf (1990)

Blood Surf is about a group of tubular wave-jockeys who — for extra thrills — chum the tides in order to attract sharks. Much to their surprise, the chum attracts a salt water crocodile. You may notice that this video is labeled "vore." Voreaphiles get off on scenes of people being consumed. Ruminate on that for a second — someone out there attained climax with the aid of this image. This is why I support the internet kill switch and voted Amish in the last election.


12.) Octaman (1971)

Poor Octaman here was a creation of Hollywood's go-to make-up artist Rick Baker. Hey, it was at the beginning of his career, so I ain't razzing him. I've never built a cephalosapien costume.

11.) Humanoids from the Deep (1980)

Roger Corman was the executive producer of this trout-meets-man-meets-sex-offender (?!?) flick...and it shows.

10.) Shark Attack 3: Megalodon (2002)

When I was 10, I asked my dad to rent Jaws for my birthday party. My pops didn't want to deal with angry phone calls from other parents, so he compromised and instead rented a VHS tutorial on how to catch (and grill!) mako sharks. On an unrelated note, this movie sucks.

9.) Great White (1982)

Everything you need to know about this shameless Jaws clone is in the preview: "The most terrifying motion picture of 1982...Great White....rated PG."

8.) Barracuda (1978)

What I love about this trailer is the incredibly vague stock phrases the announcer prattles off. "Ice-cold action about the misuse of power and strange events" could be Steel Magnolias for all we know.

Also Piranha > Orca > Barracuda. These dire matters require hierarchy.

7.) Orca (1977)

Speaking of which, this movie really needed a Michael Jackson song.

6.) The Loch Ness Horror (1981)

Mokele Mbembe never had to put up with this shit.

5.) Zaat (1972)

Like Barracuda, the preview for this evil catfish-scientist flick suffers from an acute case of Announceryellingrandomshititis. "His goal? TO POLLUTE THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE." And like Barracuda, Zaat is rated PG.

4.) Monster Shark

The soundtrack to this Italian Jaws rip-off is so balling, that I can't tell if it's a horror movie or an erotic thriller.

3.) Blood Beach (1980)

Executive 1: We're running out of ideas for beach horror flicks. What's left to scare people?
Executive 2: Killer kelp? Killer plankton? Killer erosion? Killer red tide? Killer-
Executive 3: Erosion? I've got it! KILLER SAND.
Executive 1: Johnson, that's the best idea you've had since Zaat!

¡Tintorera! (1978)

The Mexican Jaws, if Quint was a sultry damsel and Richard Gere had sex with him. Roy Schneider is represented by a panoply of assy sunbathers.

1.) Jaws: The Revenge (1987)

The shark roars. The shark roars.


Share This Story

Get our newsletter



No mention of Ray Harryhausen's 6 legged octopus?