If you found a group of tiny blue communists living in mushrooms in your backyard, you would call an exterminator. In Belgium, they made them stars–the Smurfs have been featured in comics, cartoons and movies for over 50 years. But not all Smurfs are as benign as this propaganda would have you believe.
1) Jokey Smurf
Let us begin with the most terrifying, the most horrible Smurf of all, Jokey. If you remember the classic cartoon (or the comics) you know that Jokey’s sole characteristic is that he gives presents to people, which are booby-trapped to explode when opened. That’s the charitable way to put it; the more accurate way would be to say he brings explosives into populated areas for the sole purpose of causing pain, fear, and damage. He is no jokester. He is Terrorist Smurf.
2) Stinky Smurf
A.k.a. Sloppy Smurf, a.k.a. Smelly Smurf. Whatever you call him, he is the Smurf who refuses to clean himself, meaning he’s constantly wallowing in his own filth, encrusted with grit and grime and whatever sebaceous bodily fluids Smurfs soil themselves with on a daily basis. Stinky Smurf smells so bad he attracts flies, which hints that he likely reeks of rotting meat or feces, specifically.
3) Brainy Smurf
Anyone who remembers the original Smurfs cartoon remembers Brainy as the glasses-wearing, annoying know-it-all who nobody liked. Until yesterday, I had assumed that Brainy Smurf was, you know, actually intelligent, but his supercilious attitude prevented other Smurfs from listening to his knowledge. As Wikipedia points out, Brainy’s original name in Dutch translates to “Smurf with glasses,” because the truth is Brainy Smurf isn’t actually smart at all, he merely thinks he is. So really, his name should be Obnoxious Asshole Smurf.
4) Finance Smurf
After learning of and becoming fascinated by humans’ use of money, Finance Smurf brought the idea of currency to the barter-and-trade economy of Smurf Village. This immediately—and I mean immediately—creates “poverty and corruption” among the Smurfs, and the Smurfs basically had to leave Smurf Village until a lonely Finance Smurf agreed to abolish his new financial system. Whether Finance Smurf disturbs you because of his callous disregard for the well-being of his fellow Smurfs or because he bowed down before the dark forces of socialism is up to you.
5) Reflection Smurf
Vanity Smurf is the Smurf who is obsessed with his own reflection; he stares at himself in a still pool of water, hour after hour, day after day. This pathological desire for himself is indeed disturbing, although it doesn’t hurt anybody else. That is, until lightning strikes one of Vanity’s many, many mirrors, and a living, breathing reflection of Vanity jumps out. Shockingly, reflection Smurf, also known as Hundredth Smurf, isn’t evil, but merely wants to do the opposite of everything Vanity does, including talking backwards. Eventually, Reflection Smurf is so bummed out that Vanity Smurf isn’t paying attention to him he forlornly returns to the oblivion of his mirror. The discovery that Vanity Smurf is so self-centered he doesn’t even find his magic clone worthy of his affection is terrifying.
6) Lucky Smurf
Lucky Smurf is not, in fact, lucky. He merely likes to bet and gamble, and is in fact very unlucky. The Smurfs have given him the ironic name of Lucky, because they are jerks, but also because it’s shorter than Degenerative Gambling Addiction Smurf.
7) Enamored Smurf
At least Vanity Smurf isn’t hurting anyone but himself. Enamored Smurf is enamored with Smurfette, which can’t be great for her. He’s obsessed with her, thinks about nothing but her, he even shows up at her nursing job, feigning illness just so she has to spend time with him. “Enamored Smurf” is just putting a pleasant name on “Borderline Stalker Smurf.” Soon “Restraining Order-Issuing Smurf” will need to be called in.
8 & 9) Smurfette and Sassette
You may recall that the Smurfs don’t have gender (Baby Smurf is brought to the village by a stork) and the only reason the feminine Smurfette exists is because Gargamel created her as one of his many plans to infiltrate the Smurfs. As such, Smurfette was originally evil and had black hair… until Papa Smurf made her good (and blonde). But when the Smurflings tried to create a sister for Smurfette, they created another evil female until Papa Smurf “cured” her, too. I’m not sure how Granny Smurf fits into this—no one seems to know whether she was magically created or is “a naturally occurring Smurf,” but I’m pretty sure in Smurfs, all young women are inherently evil until they are “fixed” by a man.
10) Dabbler Smurf
As his name implies, Dabbler Smurf can’t figure out what job he wants, and thus he tries them all. Normally this isn’t a big deal, but when he chooses to become Doctor Smurf, his total lack of a medical education endangers many Smurf lives. However, Wikipedia has a much more chilling explanation for what makes Dabbler Smurf so disturbing: “Dabbler is the most introverted and sentimental Smurf. He is constantly tormented by an inherent sadness, which stems from the inability of his friends and family to understand him. Dabbler’s life is a never-ending quest for love and to be understood.”
11) Fakir Smurf
I’m not sure how this Smurf managed to visit the “Far East” or what made him stay there to learn the ancient, clichéd art of charming snakes out of baskets via flute while sitting on a bed of nails. And I don’t know what the benefit is, as all Fakir Smurf seems to be able to do is make anything long and cylindrical dance, e.g. spaghetti. I do know, thanks to Fakir Smurf, that apparently Smurfs can buy into racist stereotypes.
12) Pretentious Smurf
Once, while Papa Smurf was away on some kind of trip, the Smurfs held an election to see who would lead the village while Papa was away. Being socialists, no one really cared, so Pretentious Smurf won the election. He declared himself King Smurf, which the other Smurfs thought was silly up until Jokey Smurf gave King Smurf one of his exploding “gifts,” and King Smurf ordered Jokey thrown in jail. A group of Smurfs, worried about King Smurf’s seizure of power, freed Jokey and began a rebellion in the nearby forest. King Smurf retaliating by forbidding all travel into the forest, and sending his new army to hunt after the rebels. King Smurf fortified Smurf Village with a Trump-esque wall, and the rebels used Jokey’s presents to bomb King Smurf’s palace. It was total Smurf Civil War, and I swear all of this is true. Only the return of Papa Smurf stopped the hostilities.
13) Wild Smurf
Wild Smurf was somehow lost by the Smurf village and raised by squirrels. He wears only clothing made of leaves, and he can communicate with animals. Even if you ignore what kind of horrors go on in the Smurf village where a lost baby can be “accidentally” abandoned out in the wilderness, the fact is that Wild Smurf is a feral Smurf, and that scares the bejeezus out of me.
14) The Black Smurfs
Speaking of feral smurfs! One day the Smurfs were building a small bridge to cross a nearby river when one random, unidentified Smurf was bitten by a black fly. This had a bizarre effect on the Smurf: he grew enraged, he lost all civility and gained an overwhelming desire to attack and bite his fellow Smurfs. Also, his skin turned from blue to black. Yes, this was the Smurf version of the rage virus from the 28 Days Later, except super-duper racist. Whether Smurfs creator Peyo intended this when he first drew this comic back in 1963, equating savagery with black skin was problematic enough that when the Smurfs cartoon decided to adapt this particular story that the infected Smurfs were colored purple instead.