Back in 2013, I took on the unsavory, festive world of Hallmark ornaments. What I found, of course, rocked our nation to its core, but Hallmark’s onslaught of holiday WTF-ery did not end there. As such, I have updated our exposé of the company’s most unfortunate and upsetting ornaments.
1) Star Wars Holiday Darth Vader
When I first wrote this list in 2013, I included an ornament of Vader wearing a Santa cap, offering a present in his outstretched hands. How could one of cinema’s greatest villains look less menacing? I wondered. Hallmark has answered me: by putting him in a ridiculous Christmas sweater—a sweater that, thanks to its sculpting, makes it look vaguely like Vader is wearing a large holiday bib. In full disclosure, I personally would totally wear this sweater, but I am also very much not a Dark Lord of the Sith.
2) Twilight: Breaking Dawn Edward and Bella’s Wedding
I would think that any ornament commemorating the Twilight movies and their ridiculous, obsequious love story would be disturbing enough. However, remember in Twilight the main reason the 18-year-old Bella and 100+-year-old Edward marry is so they can finally bone each other in the sanctity of wedlock. A boning which, it must always be remembered, leads directly to a magic demon fetus clawing its way out of Bella’s stomach, fatally injuring her, and forcing Edward to turn her into a member of the sparkling undead lest she pass away completely. Ho ho ho!
3) Musical Jolly Old St. Pickolas
This ornament is bad, and the Hallmark employee who ordered it should feel bad. It’s not just because it exists solely because of a dumb, thoroughly horrible pun that is doesn’t even have the minor dignity of using a homophone like “Santa Claus.” It’s awful because they couldn’t even bother to make St. Pickolas here look like a goddamn pickle. What pickle is that shade of light green? What avocado is that squat, or has that wide a base? This isn’t a pickle, it’s a moldy old pear having an identity crisis.
4) Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan Mr. Spock and Captain Kirk: The Needs of the Many
I’ve discussed this ornament before, when it was first announced, because it’s just so amazing. What says Christmas more than watching Leonard Nimoy die slowly and horribly of radiation poisoning while wearing an oven mitt? Nothing, that’s what. Bonus points to Hallmark for sculpting that outstanding beatific expression on Kirk’s face—you could pop the good captain off this ornament and place him right next to Baby Jesus’ manger and he’d look just as appropriate.
5) Halloween Hangin’ with Count Snoopy
Okay, this is a goddamned Halloween ornament. What the fuck are you trying to pull, Hallmark?
I understand that Hallmark makes good money just making mediocre sculptures of every semi-popular pop culture franchise that has ever existed, but now that they’ve gotten to R-rated horror flicks from the ‘80s the company is really just reaching now. Seriously, will 2016’s offering include a Pinhead from Hellraiser ornament? What about the severed-head-spider creature from The Thing? Where does it stop?!
7) Looney Tunes: Me No Angel!
Aaaaand the Looney Tunes’ Tazmanian Devil is dead. Why wouldn’t you want to commemorate his demise on your tree? My favorite part is his expression; this is not the look of a creature that died peacefully of natural causes. No, he died young, and he’s still pissed about it. I’d bet anything Bugs Bunny murdered him. Still, for a species actually called “devils,” I’d think he’d be more pleasantly surprised about getting to go to heaven.
8) “Let’s Get It On”
This ornament has a sound chip which plays—and I swear I am not making this up—Marvin Gaye’s sexual anthem “Let’s Get It on.” Meaning Hallmark has made an ornament of a Gingerbread man and a glass of milk getting ready to make passionate, sweaty love to each other. Oh my god, is this what allowing gay marriage has led us to?! The Tea Party was right!!!
9) A Christmas Story I Shot My Eye Out!
Hey, remember in the beloved holiday movie A Christmas Story when the parents gave their son a BB gun and then let him play with it completely unsupervised and the boy briefly thought he’d accidentally shot himself in the eye, thus ruining half his vision for the remainder of his life? Ha ha! Good times. Remember all the fun times you let your children play with firearms with this festive holiday ornament.
10) Dukes of Hazzard Jumpin’ General Lee
Hallmark Jr. Exec: “Sir, we have a problem.”
Hallmark Exec: “What is it?”
Hallmark Jr. Exec: “It’s Dukes of Hazzard, sir. It’s next on our list of ‘80s franchises to receive an ornament, but we’re having a problem figuring out what ornament to do.”
Hallmark Exec: “The car, duh. The General Lee.”
Hallmark Jr. Exec: “Well, yes sir. But you may remember that the car has the Confederate flag on its top, and the team doesn’t know whether we should include it or not. Obviously we can’t sell anything with a Confederate flag on it…”
Hallmark Exec: “…but if we don’t include the flag then the Southern racists who are the ornament’s primary demographic won’t buy it anyways. Hmm.”
Hallmark Jr. Exec: “Exactly, sir.”
Hallmark Exec: “Okay, here’s what we do. We have the car bursting through a roadside sign, okay? But near the bottom of the sign, where there’s a little ledge.”
Hallmark Jr. Exec: “Okay…”
Hallmark Exec: “And that ledge covers the entire roof of the car, where the flag would be. So people can’t tell whether the flag is technically there or not there. Problem solved!”
Hallmark Jr. Exec: “Sir, I’m sorry but I think the only signs with those ledges are those giant billboards, which—“
Hallmark Exec: “Steve, we have an ornament of a gingerbread man who wants to fuck a sexy glass of milk. Don’t overthink this.”
11) What Happens at Granma’s Stays at Granma’s
Either Granma lives in Las Vegas or it is tremendously easy to hire a prostitute at Granma’s. The subtly depraved photo included in this product picture doesn’t help.
12) Winnie the Pooh: Everything Is Honey
We all know Winnie the Pooh likes his honey, although I imagine most of us assumed he only enjoyed eating it. Not so! He also likes pouring it over his body and wallowing in it! He likes letting it seep between his fingers and toes and ass cheeks! While in a bee costume! Just look at the smile on his face. There’s only one reason someone sitting in a pool of sticky honey would be beaming like that, and that’s because the sensation is providing him an orgiastic pleasure that most people never even dream of. Given Pooh’s well-documented love of honey, it’s clearly the only logical explanation. Unless, of course, Pooh is a urophiliac and he’s actually playing in a puddle of urine.
Contact the author at firstname.lastname@example.org.