The 10 most ridiculous X-Files monsters-of-the-week

Illustration for article titled The 10 most ridiculous X-Files monsters-of-the-week

It's hard coming up with innovative monsters week-in-week-out over nine seasons, so it's inevitable The X-Files had a few ludicrous stinkers now and again. Forget about the Flukeman. These 10 weekly freaks make him look like a class act.

(And yes, those are Scully and Mulder dressed up as space marines.)

10.) The Kathy Griffin Twins ("Fight Club")
Betty Templeton and Lulu Pfeiffer are doppelgangers who, thanks to kismet, can't stop following each other around and cause chaos in their wake. When they become irked at each other at a wrestling match, the entire stadium breaks out into a riot. I'm pretty sure this clip could double as archival footage of a Kathy Griffin performance.

9.) The Shapeshifting Sex Offender ("Small Potatoes")
Thanks to a layer of flexible muscle, West Virginia janitor/mutant Eddie Van Blundht can transform into any man he wants. He comes under the scrutiny of Scully and Mulder after his mutagenic spunk/unscrupulous shapeshifting leads to a bunch of children in his podunk town being born with tails. Eddie also tries to put the moves on Scully, the cad.


ADDENDUM: Some readers are concerned that I'm hating on "Small Potatoes," which is not the case. That episode was definitely fun, but Eddie impregnated a woman while impersonating Mark Hamill. If that's not a ridiculous monster-of-the-week, I don't know what is.

8.) The Übermensch Community Watch ("Arcadia")
Gene Gogolak has the power to summon a tulpa, or a mythic beast constructed of his own willpower and, uh garbage. Rather than conquer the world, he instead uses his creation to enforce draconian policies on a gated community. That's really setting your aim high, Gene — the Stepford Garbage Monster! Watch Gene meet his demise at the hands of his ghastly creation.

7.) The Were-St. Bernard ("Alpha")
In this episode, Dr. Ian Detweiler is attacked by a mythic Chinese cryptid called the Wanshang Dhole that allows him to shapeshift into a St. Bernard...that can shapeshift into a WOLF.

6.) Scully And Mulder Do Doom ("First Person Shooter")
To defeat Maitreya, a VR killatrix gone haywire, our dignified, fearless agents must enter a virtual world, where they look like complete jackasses. Nice katana, Mulder.

UPDATE: This episode was penned by William Gibson. What the what?

5.) The Sex-Swapping Amish Aliens ("Gender Bender")
Amish people. Who can change their sex. Who can secrete lovey-dovey pheromones. Who kill people post-coitus. Who are from space. Writing!

4.) The Pituitary Gland-Sucking Monster From Burkina Faso ("Teliko")
Samuel Aboah was an albino mutant from Burkina Faso who came to Philadelphia to do what any tourist would: drug some locals with a blowgun and drink some fresh pituitary glands. Aboah was based on the mythical breath-stealing being the Teliko — it makes me forelorn that The X-Files never had an episode starring a centaur.

3.) The Carnivorous Underground Fungus That Made Its Victims High ("Field Trip")
Under the soil of North Carolina lies a massive fungal growth that gets its victims stoned before it digests them. Mulder and Scully conquer this mycological nightmare by jointly fighting it during a drug trip — some real astral plane shit, brah. Love the 1990s CGI.

2.) The Internet Dating Fatpire ("2Shy")
What was it with The X-Files and monsters with strange cravings? In this episode, internet-dating mutant Virgil Incanto would meet zaftig women and drink the lipids right out of their mouths. We have carefully combed the io9 Dating Service of all Virgil Incantos. See also: Amy Adams on Smallville.


1.) It's Caturday for Scully and Mulder ("Teso Dos Bichos")
In this fairly ridiculous Season 3 episode, an Ecuadorian artifact possessed by a Jaguar Spirit (or something) causes tabbies to go bonkers and murder people. This scene of Scully fighting a cat deserves the GIF treatment. Make it happen, folks!


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I always preferred the MOW episodes of X-Files to the ponderous conspiracy arcs. I always thought it was a shame that the writers never mixed things up; I would have loved to have seen the Cigarette-Smoking Man's response to being trapped with Mulder and Scully in a haunted taco truck or something.