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Ten crazy uses of the Green Lantern ring

Illustration for article titled Ten crazy uses of the Green Lantern ring

Hal Jordan is making his way into movie theaters today. We'll see aliens and Oa and space ships and Blake Lively, but I'm guessing we won't see some of the creative things that have been done with the Lantern Ring over the years in the comics. Take a look at what the Lantern Corps has dreamed up, just for fun.

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Illustration for article titled Ten crazy uses of the Green Lantern ring

10. John Stewart makes an emoticon without a computer

There was once a Superman/Batman issue when an entire chibi Justice League poured through from another dimension. Among them was Green Lantern John Stewart, who, while usually a stick-in-the-mud, in that incarnation had the maturity level of the rest of the chibi JLA, and the technological skills of a chatroom visitor from 1997. Here he uses the most powerful tool in the DCU to make his feelings on the ‘girls have cooties' school of thought clear.

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9. Hal Jordan Powers up Batman

There once was a time when power rings could do a lot more than just make big glowing objects. For example, they could wind Batman up like toy, in an unfortunately awkward-looking panel. In another story, Hal Jordan uses his ring to erase both his and Batman's mind when they learned each other's identities. The power rings were basically energy drinks that gave people limited lobotomies.

Illustration for article titled Ten crazy uses of the Green Lantern ring

8. Kyle Raynor fights a Nazi while wooing a girl.

You're on a date with a girl you like, and suddenly you run into a Nazi. It happens to everyone. Naturally, you have to stop the Nazi, but how can you do so while still letting your date know that she's a very special lady? Have a giant green cupid kick the Nazi's ass, that's how.

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Illustration for article titled Ten crazy uses of the Green Lantern ring

7. Hal Jordan plays with a dinosaur.

In the modern era, Hal Jordon no longer controls his friends through use of a creepy power ring. Now he uses the ring to play puppeteer to a giant animatronic dinosaur. He uses it to fight some energy-derived aliens. Then he says, "Curse your sudden, but inevitable, betrayal!" I may be making part of that up.

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Illustration for article titled Ten crazy uses of the Green Lantern ring

6. Soranik Natu treats herself to cosmetic facial surgery.

Sometimes, an evil-doer brands your face. It happens, especially in comics, but you don't want to have to wait until the next big universe-altering event to rub it out of existence. That, after all, could take months! So you hop on a chair, set up a complicated-looking device, and aim a laser at your own face. A little burning and some green smoke, and you have new facial features. (I wonder if Hal Jordan has had his eyes done. I mean, he's been around since the fifties. You know he's made a few tweaks.

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Illustration for article titled Ten crazy uses of the Green Lantern ring

5. Kyle Raynor douses a street in strange goo.

I don't know what the goo is. I just know that it's not okay. There are plenty of ways of catching bad guys, and restraining hostile crowds. There are nets. There are lassos. There are tasteful energy barriers. Kyle Raynor chose, instead, to fill the streets with liquid and watch as people flailed in it, struggling and screaming and getting it up their noses. I may be elaborating a bit, but this is still entirely unacceptable. Even if it does come from a spigot.

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Illustration for article titled Ten crazy uses of the Green Lantern ring

4. Guy Gardner makes a space bike just because.

This isn't really an unusual creation. It's just here because it's a useless one. The Green Lanterns can fly through space on their own. They can shoot bolts of energy out of their rings. And even if it were a real bike, he'd be trying to play demolition derby with a craft twenty times the bike's size. But Guy just wants to ride around on a space bike, I guess. So there it is.

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Illustration for article titled Ten crazy uses of the Green Lantern ring

3. Hal Jordan uses his ring to kick a cat.

To be fair, though, the cat is also a superpowered Lantern Corps warrior. Yes, it is. Yes, I'm serious. Shut up, it actually turned out to be a really good story! (I don't know why Hal picked a cowboy boot, though.)

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Illustration for article titled Ten crazy uses of the Green Lantern ring

2. Kyle Raynor shows interest in fatherhood.

So Kyle is the friend of fellow-superhero Arsenal. They hang out in civilian life, and just before this happened, Arsenal, who is an archer, scored a woman's phone number by shooting an apple off Kyle's head William-Tell-style. Kyle was not amused, but when you have a lantern ring, you find ways to amuse yourself. So when they got a superhero call he used the opportunity of his friend not having a ride to make his own fun. I just want to know what the supervillains they were approaching were thinking. "Is this a kink thing or are they screwing with us?"

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Illustration for article titled Ten crazy uses of the Green Lantern ring

1. Guy Gardner sends a special farewell message

If you had the guts, you'd do this too.

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DISCUSSION

See, the thing about #4 is... yeah, sure, conventions of superhero comics and all says that superheroes who can fly should just do so, head-first; one or both arms out, or not, is optional. But have you ever really stopped to think about that, and really LOOKED at them? Better yet — go lie down on the floor on your stomach, and tilt your head back so that you are looking forward, putting yourself in the posture you'd be in if you were flying like Superman or even like Kyle picture above in #2.

My point? Flying around in the conventional superhero pose does NOT look comfortable. At ALL. It looks like you'd develop a crick in your neck in no time flat.

If I gained the ability to fly, I would probably fly on my own like that for a few minutes, for the novelty value. But human heads/necks/torsos aren't made for that kind of posture to be held for extended periods. If I had to fly any distance, therefore, I would TOTALLY do what Guy Gardner is doing, and create myself something that allowed me to fly in a more comfortable posture and that also didn't look weird or stupid (see: Invisible Jet, NO).