Television's Biggest Badass Of All Time, Day Four: River Vs. Kirk

Illustration for article titled Televisions Biggest Badass Of All Time, Day Four: River Vs. Kirk

The battle of the Summer Glaus was long and fierce — but we're calling it. River Tam vanquished her robotic twin, Cameron. But how will River do against the man who doesn't believe in the no-win situation: James T. Kirk?


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You guys have this all wrong. Kirk wins. But not because of his charm or hypnotic acting style. Because Kirk's all about the big picture and saving the day. Here's how it goes down:

Kirk runs across one River Tam at this crazy science star-base. He realizes something's wrong with the girl. He meets her brother, who explains that an evil faction in Star Fleet is experimenting on her. Enraged at the injustice, Kirk takes on the head of the science station. He unleashes River to kill him before he can get his report back to Star Fleet. But Kirk's a team player, so he tags in Spock to hold her off while Bones McCoy figures out what's wrong with her and fixes it. On the spot. Because he's Bones McCoy. Kirk beats down the evil scientist, and takes down the conspiracy within Star Fleet. Back on the bridge Bones asks Spock if he liked wrestling a teenage girl. Spock finds the question highly illogical, and all in merriment hearty laugh. End Scene.

Sure, Kirk wins, but in the end everyone wins. Because that's the way Kirk rolls