Supernatural is the best gay romance on TV that isn't actually gay

Once upon a time, in the early 1970s, a sturdy but boring little soap opera called Dark Shadows introduced a vampire character and time travel into a story that had been completely non-supernatural up until that point. The show exploded into legendary awesomeness, eventually spawning a reboot in the 1990s and a terrible movie last year. Recently I have found myself wishing that Supernatural could go the opposite route, suddenly getting rid of its otherworldly premise and just focusing on the fact that it's basically about a love triangle between three men who lead dangerous lives.


Spoilers ahead!

This week's episode was a case-in-point. The drama in the show was not provided by the angel torture, nor by Kevin's struggles with the demon tablet. Seriously, people, angels have an "operating system"? And Crowley somehow managed to get root on it? Plus there was some other stuff with mystery archangel Naomi possibly drilling into Castiel's brain the same way that Crowley drilled the hotdog-slinging angel. Yes, the the brain drilling is satisfyingly gross but not that interesting. And nobody wants to hear about how angels can be dual-booted into Windows and Linux. Or that Castiel is running a Raspberry Pi for his teeny little brain.


Alright, back to what I was saying earlier. The drama in this episode comes entirely from the fight between Sam and Dean, and the possibility that Dean's relationship with Bennie the emo vampire could tear the bromancers apart. Do you really think Amelia poses any threat to Sam and Dean's relationship? No. She is boring, brings way too much cake to the park, and always sticks her tongue out between her teeth when she's not talking. Plus, the whole episode is resolved when Sam breaks up with Amelia and Dean basically breaks up with Bennie (which is sad because Bennie is the best).

All I'm saying is why not just give us a plot twist or retcon where it turns out the Winchesters aren't brothers but a longtime married gay couple who are — I dunno — assassins or X-Files types. At this point, it seems like most people are watching for the boys' relationships, not for the monsters. Why not just 'fess up and make a gay soap opera where Dean is torn between his salty sailor fling and his steadfast husband Sam?

And oh Dean . . . how could you break up with Bennie? How COULD you?

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It's like you don't see the gay that's right there.

Sam doesn't ask Dean to break up with Castiel. Because he doesn't have to. It's never going to happen, and he ships D/C too. Sam asks Castiel to stay. That is the message of season gr8.

Those two crazy kids have spent most of the season so far telling each other how much they care, and then pausing to flash back to Purgatory-emo.

The writers' total refusal to bring up Lenore means that I can't actually take Benny seriously, and their idea that vaseline on the lens of a picnic shot is love means I can't take Amelia seriously.

Team Free Will, for the win.