Silent Hill: Revelation 3D — come for Sean Bean, stay for the boob monsters

Silent Hill: Revelation 3D is basically your neighborhood Haunted House with a better budget. You wander room to room watching various acts of bloody violence with no connecting thread whatsoever. And yet, you're entertained. Because it's fun being scared. And while Silent Hill: Revelation 3D is a completely disconnected maze that could have been filmed entirely in an abandoned Y, we enjoyed it for small, but important, reasons. There were neat costumes, cool monsters, funny scares . . . and Sean Bean.

I should probably state this outright. I have not played the Silent Hill game, nor have I seen the first movie. I went into this film cold. Thankfully this movie is fairly easy to follow. Simply stick your fingers in your ears every time two characters take a break to speak. There's a lot of jabber how Silent Hill is a weird ghost prison built on an Indian burial ground, run by some cult called The Order. Then the cult killed a girl and she became a baby demon named Alyssa and now they fight all of the time, but they need the character Heather/Sharon/Good Alyssa to give her body to their god. See, nonsense! Anytime Kit Harington starts wagging his jaw just zone out and stare at his hair (it's in 3D after all).


The other problem with this movie is the price. It costs $17.00 to see Silent Hill in 3D. SEVENTEEN DOLLARS. Sure, there are a few fun 3D moments, but this isn't a James Cameron picture. One of the major climaxes features two girls hugging each other. I don't need 3D to enhance my hug viewing experience.

Since the plot is ridiculous, I'm not going to spend any of my time re-explaining the illogical steps each character takes to get to where they are. Instead I'll focus on the good, like the fact that the evil religious order's secret sanctuary is kept beneath a haunted amusement park, and the big hug showdown happens aboard a carousel. (Oh and the carousel! Parts of it are made up of horse people!)

If I had to choose a location for illogical action to happen between video game characters that literally mean nothing to me, I'm going to pick an abandoned amusement park. Every time. As for the meaningless characters, yes the Executioner is there, and the chesty knife happy nurses are all present. And I've been to enough cosplay events to understand these fellas' appeal. Sadly I didn't actually care about any of these beings. Besides the self-satisfaction of realizing that this was an apparent nod to the game. However I did enjoy listening to each nurse release some sort of sex moan each time she blindly waved her knife.


The best monster wasn't the expected characters from the game. Instead it was this beautiful mannequin spider, who had a chilling way of killing its prey. The beast kidnapped beautiful girls and injected them with a poison that transformed them into dolls. Once they became plastic, the creature would rip off their appendages and attach the limb or head to its own body. Big fan of this guy, we can only hope there's more of him in Silent Hill 15.

So yes, I would recommend this movie if you're looking for a nonsensical Haunted House type horror fix. Wanna see random people cut up other random victims while they scream? Great, this is the movie for you. Or perhaps you just want to stare at Sean Bean for an hour and a half. (Whose sexual appeal eclipses Jon Snow's — Bean makes Kit Harington look like an afterbirth covered baby deer). Either way, don't go to this movie if you're looking for a darker horror experience. Go for the monsters with boobs.


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