Today we learned that conspiracy theorists had set their sights on Big Bird’s large yellow head, claiming the giant Muppet had cast his shadow across Mars. And in response, commenter Chick Counterfly shared this...well, we’re not sure exactly what it is. We only know that we can’t stop reading it.
Here’s Chick Counterfly’s account of how the Sesame Street Martians (colloquially referred to as the “Yip-Yips”) responded to claims that Big Bird had visited Mars:
Update (Live Video Feed 06:35 a.m., posted below):
When asked for response as to Big Bird’s prior location, Mars replied in the form of two delegates in a video feed, stating simply that his whereabouts were:
“Not Mars. Nope nope nope nope.”
“Earth. Earth earth earth. Earth.”
They continued emphatically: “Yip yip, yip, yip yip yip. Yip.”
After vociferously denying the off-planet locations of Big Bird, the Martians took a decidedly nastier tone:
“Look (indecipherable). Hello. Greetings.” There was a condescending attitude evident in their tones and gestures. They continued: “Greetings. Hi there. Mm mm. Mm mm. Nuh nuh. Nuh nuh.” They repeated the denial.
The Martians sarcastically took out their Martian-to-English Dictionary and stated: “Earth book. Earth book. Yip yip yip yeah,” as if to say they need to dumb down the conversation even more for us Earthlings to understand.
It only grew more offensive from there. The delegates began yelling, comparing humans to cows.
Experts warn that in their langauge (a manner in which experts gauge languages), the Martians mean that we are a docile and stupid alien lifeform. “This could very well imply hostility,” says David Porter, Professor of Applied Martian Economics, Linguistics, and Cosmetology at Mars Hill University.
“I fear for our children, but I first fear for the cows. We have no idea what they’re really saying. It appears brutally sarcastic, made worse only by the fact that they have such amazingly coiffed antennas with puffball hair that Dr. Seuss will kill to draw. I fear a whole new kind of Cold War,” he says. “Still, I’d love to know how they do their hair or make those sheen, rayon beards. Is it the conditioner? Or is it something more sinister?”
As the transmission continued, the Martians called us cats and mewed and meowed at us. The most upsetting part was when they finally called us chickens and made that “bawk bawk bawk” noise.
Dr Porter says, “Doesn’t that make you feel like Marty McFly when Needles is trying to rile him up with those same words? I need a drink after this day.”
The Martians tirade did not end there: “Bawk bawk bawk bawk. Nope nope nope.”
Dr. Porter thinks the implication is obvious. “They’re so sarcastic that they call us chickens and say ‘Oh no, no, no, you’re not chickens.’ It’s a really sick, two-level super cold meta burn.”
Caustic to their last words, the Martians closed by pretending that we Earthlings are as stupid as old-timey telephones, mockingly surprised that we even rang them about this matter. They stared up in the sky in pretend horror that we bothered them and then said: “Oh. Oooh. Oh. Oh!”
“To them, we have the brains of amoebas,” stated Former Secretary of Defense Henry Kissenger. “We are nothing to them but an endless form of amusement. Not in a polite or politic way.”
The transmission’s conclusion was no better. When the telephone rang, they yelled: “Briiiing briing bring!” This continued with an intense and unmistakable vervor. They said it again, again, and again.
“Buh-ring! Buuuhh-ring!” Experts are still trying to translate their acerbic brand of diplomacy.
“Are they merely mocking us, or are they telling us to, like, ‘buh-ring’, like ‘bring’ them something? Are they demanding after this interplanetary debacle that we bring them Big Bird in recompense to this rumor?” said Dr. Valerie Derousseau, a person I met drinking at a bar this evening. “I think that if we don’t send them Big Bird now... they’re calling us chickens, cowards. It’s an implicit threat, a clear and present danger.”
David Porter agreed. “They are a clear and present danger. If we give in to their demands, we are giving into terror. The fact is, they look way too good to be real. I imagine these are clever CGI figures or elaborate puppets, with the real Martians laughing at us behind the scenes,” he said after finishing an Appletini at the same bar in Mars Hill as it’s a small town. “I am a cosmetology expert, after all.”
“Good on you, Valerie,” he continued, patting Derousseau on the shoulder. “Dead on. Our first interplanetary conversation and they think us idiots. Next round’s on me.”
Will PBS send Big Bird to Mars and give in to the Martians’ terrifying demands?
Most Americans say: “‘Not Mars. Nope nope nope nope, nope.’”
Most succinctly, Henry Kissenger commented, “I have been through wars. I have been through cold wars. Earth has no chickens. We are not a planet of chickens, of cows. A cold burn does not mean a cold war.”
The video in its entirety can be seen below: