Welcome to Drunken Pitch Master, where Meredith consumes many fruity drinks, and scrawls her latest Hollywood blockbuster ideas on cocktail napkins - then later carefully transcribes them into blog posts. This week's pitch: A Rush Of Alien Will To The Head, a story that follows a gaggle of groupies as they stumble upon an age-old secret alien plot to toy with human minds through pop music. Oh, and someone gets Bon Jovied. Here's my pitch...
Four twenty-something girls named Mandy, Tammy, Tina and Casey have been friends forever. They share everything from schoolbooks, clothes and boyfriends, to their one-person bedroom in Los Angeles. But most importantly they share (or it would appear that they did) a love of pop music. Ever since they could crawl they've been trying to get backstage to meet their favorite pop idols. Now in LA, they have access to it all and spend every waking minute, when they're not working backstage, living the glory as a groupie in 2008. Yet one of their members (Tammy) has been secretly hiding her better taste in music and slowly dreading their backstage trysts with terrible overpaid rockstars. She's forced to hide bootleg copies of Radiohead and the like under the one mattress in their apartment (but more on that later).
The girls live through their days drinking, dancing and fawning over rock stars, until Tammy starts to rebel against the sheepish trends of society. She no longer wants to wear what everyone else wants to, or buy what everyone else tells her to. Little does she know it's because she's stopped listening to the bad pop music. But Tammy is first tipped off to a higher power at work, when she's backstage at the Jonas Brothers concert and she sees one of the Brothers smash his own head into a wall until it bursts into little metal bits. But moments later he's on stage, performing and looking fine.
Tammy convinces the rest of the girls to investigate and they each share their own past experiences, where the rockstars they shack up with did something strange, like twitch out of control, make robot noises or shut down completely. The four girls use their powers of persuasion to uncover this mystery and even manage to add the band Coldplay to their Scooby gang to help solve some strange answers about other musicians in the biz.
They follow the story all the way to the top of the record companies, which they find are secretly operated by aliens. Pop music has been used to subdue and weaken the public masses for years, so that a superior alien race can toy with human will, Sims style. Which is why so many popular tracks from famous artists sound the same. Most of the rockstars of the past are actually brainwashed people forced to become pop rockers. In fact it's revealed that Aerosmith's entire Big Ones album was actually a desperate plea for sweet death. The gang plays "Love In An Elevator," and you can actually hear Steven Tyler beg for mercy. We later discover that the Aliens silenced him with a mind wiping procedure done to the singer's face, called "A Huge Mistake." The treatment has also been applied to many other musicians like Axel Rose, Cher and Liza Minelli. The reason the aliens wanted to have mind control over humans is simple: they were bored, and it was fun to watch us do whatever they told us no matter how ridiculous.
But the girls discover that the aliens are now experimenting with using robots instead of humans for pop stars, because humans were always so unpredictable. An unfortunate problem with the robot rock stars is all of their music tends to sound the same. Then in an unexpected turn, members of Coldplay then rip off their faces to reveal that they are actually robot slaves of the aliens as well. Also Chris Gaines was the first ever slave-robot-musician, but he defected and split into two equally awful personalities. The robots tie up our heroes and begin a long monolog that explains that moaning and groaning about love and clocks has made them hunger to experience the act of love as well, and they want to test it, right now.
Problem is these robots only know love through their wah-wah soft rock music. So after tying down the ladies to a big fluffy bed the robots climb on top and start to screech and cry about their feelings, believing that this is human love-making (and to be fair they're not totally wrong in some cases). After hours of mind numbing talk that we are all yellow and how they yearn for the speed of sound, the girls trick robot Coldplay into untying them, after the girls lie and claim that they've been moved by the robots "love making," and want to return the favor with a "fix you" happy ending. The robots obliged and our heroes turned and beat the robots over the head with their own instruments, in a moving poetic death.
The girls seem free and clear until the big-wigs are called in, and the girls are ensnared by an alien tractor beam. They get sent to a remote location in Delaware where the girls undergo the highest form of mind control, and get Bon Jovied, Clockwork Orange-style. The ladies are tied up again and forced to withstand horrific condition. After a month of the highest form of mind control (days of "Wanted" and "Living On A Prayer") the girl's minds buckle and they give in to their Alien captors wishes and become The Pussy Cat Dolls. I know what you're thinking: "But they like pop music!" True, but no sound mind can stand that much Jersey rock - you'd go mad.
The final scene shows all the girls on stage scantily clad and shaking their asses to the delight of a stadium packed with fans. Note everyone in the audience is covered in labels and dressed exactly like the PCD girls. At the end of "I Want To Be A Hooker," or some sort of number like that, you zoom in to the caked on make-uped face of Tammy. She's smiling like a lunatic and waving to the crowd, but when you look closer a single tear runs down the side of her face.