On last night's Heroes, called "Ink," everybody got violent and stabby for one of three reasons: 1. Lesbianism; 2. Daddy Issues; 3. Tattoos. Also, there were rainbow musical interludes. Spoilers ahead!

In case you were wondering, last night's episode was sponsored by Sprint. I have never seen such a tacky product placement ever, so I put it right there at the top of the post.

Now back to the non-Sprint parts of the show. Remember how Matt got a Head Sylar last week? Guess what happened this week? Sylar played with Matt's head! I know - you did NOT see that one coming. So Sylar really wants to impress upon Matt that he's annoyed about the whole losing control of his own body thing, and isn't content just to make Matt scream randomly at the air during group therapy. Now he wants to really get Matt in trouble, which means making Matt fall off the Not Using Your Powers wagon.

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Who made that a freakin wagon, anyway? Ever since Willow had to swear off using her witchy powers on Buffy, there's been this dumb idea in pop culture that "using your powers" is like getting drunk. I can see the whole vampirism = alcoholism idea since it actually involves drinking and harming people. But Matt's mind reading = alcoholism? Really stretching it here, people. Especially since using his powers would actually in almost every case be a good thing. And when he doesn't use his powers, he's a gigantic loser.

So Sylar decides to use Matt's powers against him, by making him hallucinate. This ends very badly when Matt goes to investigate a potential drug dealer, and imagines that he sees the dead body of a little girl under the drug dealer's stairs. He promptly beats the shit out of drug guy, which his partner thinks will ruin his career. (Which suggests that it would have been OK to beat the shit out of the guy if he'd actually killed a girl, but it's not OK if he's just dealing drugs? I've learned so much about the law from Heroes.) And in order to make things right, and save his lameass career and fakeass marriage, Matt brainwashes his partner to think that drug guy attacked him - even though he was tied to a chair - and they had to beat him up. So Sylar wins.

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Also, in the winning department, Samuel shows us the full extent of his dirt-controlling powers. First of all, you need to understand a Scientific Fact. Tattoos are MADE OF DIRT. That's why Samuel is always injecting people with dirt and creating tattoos on their bodies so he can control them. Or something. Anyway, we see Samuel going out into the world to recruit Peter to replace his dead brother - and he sucks a bunch of tattoo ink into his hand for safe keeping. It was actually a cool scene, despite how incredibly cheesy it sounds.

There's a whole confusing subplot where Samuel pretends to be a guy who is suing Peter for rescuing him negligently (see how Heroes teaches about law yet again?). And he does this just so he can get into Peter's orbit and try to make Peter his special circus pal. Why didn't he just approach Peter some other way, like I dunno calling him up and saying, "Hey I have brother issues - you have brother issues. We're both mutants. Let's have coffee." I mean, it's not like Peter hasn't done stupider things than go out to coffee with a fellow mutant who has Daddy issues - or brother issues. Whatever.

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Eventually Samuel and Peter bond, and Samuel (still pretending to be lawsuit guy) explains how sad he is about his brother and Peter is like, "Wow let me offer some empty platitudes about grief while giving you my soulful brown eye look." Actually, I'll admit it: Peter has gotten really hot this season and I'm liking the soulful looks as well as his pecs under the paramedic shirt. Am I just having a case of misdirected horniness, or is Peter getting hotter this season? These are the kinds of deep, important questions that Heroes forces you to ponder every single week.

Then possibly-hot-we're-not-sure Peter encourages Samuel to go visit his and his brother's boyhood home, which is somewhere in New York. Apparently Samuel grew up the forgotten Irish Accent borough of New York, in a gigantic mansion where his father was the butler and his mother was the maid. When he arrives at the mansion, the evil rich people who live there are having a dinner party and won't let him come in and look at the carriage house where he grew up in an alternate timeline featuring people who live in carriage houses and have Irish accents in New York.

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So GUESS WHAT HAPPENS? I'm not even gonna tell you until the end of this post, because I haven't told you about the lesbians or Rainbow Brite yet.

OK first Rainbow Brite. Emma's some new mutant who will be in a couple of episodes and has a possible power or maybe just synaesthesia. She's deaf but she can SEE SOUND IN COLOR. Which leads to a scene totally unrelated to the rest of the episode where Emma sees a guy playing cello, and then she plays cello, and is like, "Wow, rainbows, OMG." See, mutant powers can be nice.

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Which brings me to our weekly dose of lesbianism. First of all, Gretchen totally knows Claire's secret and there's this great moment where she asks, "Seriously what are you? A vampire, an alien, some kind of freakish government experiment?" But then that conversation is interrupted when HRG shows up and takes the girls out for Indian food. After Claire and Gretchen make a lot of inexplicable and seriously unfunny jokes about how Indian food is "the yellow stuff" and "the red stuff," they go back to their dorm room and put on teeny white t-shirts and light candles and talk about getting drunk. They look soulfully into each other's eyes, and by the way they are wearing seriously teeny t-shirts.

And then Gretchen is all, "Can I see it?" And you're like, "Hell yes take it off," but all she means is can she see Claire's power. Claire says this flirty "OK" and hands Gretchen some scissors. "I've never done this before," Gretchen says, and you're like, "No way you are a total lesbian you do this all the time," but what she really means is that she's never stabbed anybody in the hand with scissors. Which is good.

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So she does the stabby and holds Claire's hand and there's all this warm liquid oozing out of Claire's gash (hey I didn't write this, OK? it was in the episode). And now they've bonded over lesbotic things like blood and secret gashes and secret powers and thinking Indian food is weird. They are totally about to go lesbian!!! But not yet, because it's time to go back to the Samuel/Peter plot, which sadly involves no teeny t-shirts or special sharing.

Peter is called to an accident scene where a sinkhole has just opened up under a house and swallowed everybody. Guess what house it is? The rich people's house where they wouldn't let Samuel visit his alternate history Irish New York carriage house. Samuel is watching the action from the shadows, when suddenly Peter feels a weird thing in his arm. He has a new tattoo! It's a spinning compass. Samuel must have injected it when he shook Peter's hand (OK so there was some hand-holding)!

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A couple of things occurred to me during this episode, aside from my "Peter is getting hotter" revelation. I'm starting to wonder if Samuel might be really, really old - which would explain both the accent and the "I grew up in a carriage house" thing. Maybe part of his power is that he lives for hundreds of years? It's possible. I'm also wondering if possibly Gretchen is evil, or at least a mutant, and that she actually knows HRG. He invited her to lunch so quickly when he saw her with Claire - could she be the bodyguard that he's secretly put in place to keep Claire safe? The bodyguard who accidentally falls in love with her charge? I hope this all ends with Gretchen keeping Claire from being hurt while Claire plays Guitar Hero in front of their admiring dorm.

Tune in text week for more stabby Sylar/Nathan action!

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