Last night's Once Upon A Time finale would have made more sense if someone had written in a giant, lightning farting pegasus, who swooped in and shat out the "failsafe" gemstone. But instead, the series just invented a bunch of randomly convenient ways to fix its problems. On the plus side, we got to meet Peter Pan.

Oh Once, why do I still love you?

Spoilers ahead...

Picking up right where we left off last week, everyone is scrambling not to die. Because Regina made a fail safe that she only just brought up now that — get this — KILLS EVERYONE NOT BORN ON EARTH, including herself. Great fail safe, everybody. Tamara and Greg appear to set off this diamond with a dwarf pick-axe. But don't worry, fans of Tamara and Greg (ppffbttt) — the twosome still manages to drop some completely nonsensical lines, before exiting for stage Neverland.


For example, whilst Greg is using his MAGICAL DWARF MINE IPHONE APP, Hook sensibly asks him who his bosses are. And Greg replies, "That's not your concern, it's not ours either." Right-O Gregory! Who needs job clarity when your orders to kidnap children and blow up towns are so obviously noble? It only gets worse when Tamara chimes in with her collection of verbal abstract nonsense speak: "Unlike you Hook, we believe in something. We believe in the sacredness of our cause." Ah yes the cause — to get rid of magic, because it's bad.

If this is a metaphor for religious fanaticism, then this turtle humping a clog video is a metaphor for manifest destiny. It would be so much better if Tamara and Greg just wanted to get rich off the magic. OK done with that, let's move on.

Hook tells Tamara and Greg he's ready to die to get his revenge on Rumps, but then double-crosses the two by teaming up with Charming and friends. Thus allowing Charming to utter the best piece of dialogue he's ever uttered. He threatens to SHOOT HOOK IN THE FACE if he betrays him. Which, coincidently Hook does... and no face shooting. Just saying, but anyway, good effort, Charming.


In another part of town, the Blue Fairy concocts a magical plot-canceling potion. And now losing your memories when leaving town is no longer a problem. Bababooy. Everybody is getting their memory back! First Sneezy and then Belle (later) but yeah Belle. I will forever be pissed about the Sneezy missed opportunity. What a great episode that would have made. Instead of the terrible giant episode, what if we spent one day seeing from the POV of Sneezy. The one guy in town who is "sane" and is being forced by his friends to work in a mine digging out fairy dust. Ah well.

Sidenote: Who is this dwarf?

I was fairly surprised that Rumps didn't keep the potion on ice so he could have one last round of hate sex with Lacey before turning her back. But in the end the reconnecting kiss was very nice and sweet. And it works with the forever swinging Good, Bad, Bad, Good character pendulum of Once. There are no normal people on this planet — just good people and bad people. So if you're having a bad day in Storybrooke, you may road rage kill someone with your car — but don't worry, everyone will forgive you in a week, when you're back to being good. Anyway, yay for Belle and the Beast back together.

Meanwhile, there's a flashback. Hook wants to adopt Bae after pulling him out of the water in Neverland. Too bad that doesn't go his way. I thought the "big brother" moment was good, really good. It was actually the first believable love you saw coming from Hook thus far. It sold me. The unlikely pair complement each other nicely. Hook can make Bae so much less of a goodie goodie and Bae can teach Hook... I dunno, something annoying. I was sad when Hook sold Bae off to the sexy-shadow pants boys. I could have spent more time there. And maybe we will in the next season, in Neverland? But this time as MEN!

Getting back to the plot at hand. So there's a Hook double cross, another Hook double cross then recross — and the next thing you know, we're all back in the mine. And Emma remembers she's magic. Like she always does during really important cliffhangers, but never in her day-to-day life. Together, she and Regina almost kiss and then put out the magic gem thing. Everyone is saved! Hooray! Except Henry, who has been captured. DOUBLE HOORAY! Now we have to go get him — BOOOOOO.

Seriously Snow and Charming, you had one job.

The family of fairy-tale misfits (which does share a really cute scene before dying) has to go to Neverland, because the blood globe can track Henry through different dimensions. Which means season 3 will be in Neverland, with evil Peter Pan.

I'm infinitely excited by the evil twist on Peter Pan, this was a very easy character twist, Peter always was a bit of a shit anyway. Let's see what he's like when he's full-on bad.

Only one question lingers: Will TinkerBell be wearing the requisite fairy lucite stripper heels? We'll have to wait until the this fall to find out. Until then, enjoy this picture of Hook with glasses as a replacement for my collection of screengrabs of Neal asleep on the Enchanted Forest beach, because according to my roommate, "That's fucking weird, Meredith."