When this show isn't needlessly sending its characters on easily accomplished errands every week, then it's rebooting the whole fucking series. You know what was truly, deeply exciting about this series when it started? Fairy-tale characters dealing with human issues on Earth. What ever happened to that idea?

Spoilers ahead...

First up apologies on last week for not recapping the great body switcheroo episode, but I had Kidney Stones. Is that TMI? I don't know if that's TMI ā€” but now you all know a little something about me and my kidney. Sharing is caring!


But now I'm back to say, GOOD GRIEF WHAT ARE YOU DOING, ONCE UPON A TIME? This was the most sigh-inducing episode of Once Upon A Time I've ever eye-rolled through. At one point I audibly barked "WOOF" at the screen. It was the moment when I realized that the actor who played Peter Pan was going to continue to play Henry with a British accent, after they've swapped bodies. This is not how the laws of Freaky Friday work, people.

Remember when this show was about fairy tale characters trying to hack it in the real world? Remember how much fun it was slowly unraveling the secret pasts of these marooned creatures? It was delightful discovering that Jiminy Cricket is the town therapist and Prince Charming was a coma patient. Even when the fairy-tale townsfolk became self aware, they remained engaging and interesting characters. It was fun to watch them navigate their new place on our planet. But all that is dead and gone now. Instead we've gotten countless episodes looking for easily solvable mysteries hidden between the Hollywood-set-looking palm branches of Neverland.

Because once again the world is ending as we know it. For now Peter Pan is in the body of Henry. And he and his buddy wearing Ke$ha's hair extensions from 2012 are you going to reset the entire dark curse. Thus causing everyone in Storybrooke to lose their memory ā€” yet again ā€” and setting up Peter Pan as the ruler of his new Neverland. Womp womp.


Sound familiar? Maybe because we've already done this. We watched the curse get cast by Regina, we watched Emma break it, we watched Rumps game change the game changers by bringing back magic... and now we're going to watch Peter Pan hit the reboot button? Sorry, everyone else who was a villain on this show did it better, before.

And that was only half of the episode. The other half was spent on yet another fool's errand with Enchanted Forest Charming and Snow White chasing down the head of Medusa. FOR REASONS. This means, Disney, Star Wars, Wonderland, Neverland, the real world, AND GREEK MYTHS are now all in play in this totally "Fuck it, add Medusa, there are 22 episodes this season and we're running out of Disney characters" season. It's frustrating. What is going on? This show is now a perfect example of creators throwing anything against the wall just to see what will stick. Which sucks because the episode "Quite a Common Fairy" from this season was really, really good.


A great way to physically demonstrate the great derailing of this series is Snow White's wig. Did the people doing her hair even watch the first episode?

What is going on here? I know we can't all be the same all the time. But if you can't execute the very important bridal look of the main character that has been in this series multiple times and was super prominent in the pilot episode, maybe just set the scene "after Snow White changed out of her dress and took her hair out." Ginnifer Goodwin deserves better than this.


But to show you that I'm not some basement-dwelling gollum, my heart did eke out all of the feels when Charming and Snow talked about making a baby. Because (if you didn't know) these two human versions of a basket of kittens playing with string covered in feathers, are having a real life baby. This baby will no doubt come out looking like a Lisa Frank drawing of a big-eyed doe. And it shall be named Crumbles or Noodles or Brooklyn or something wildly Hollywood. And it will be cute. So cute.

So yes, that moment was really very nice. But the rest of it? STOP IT. I would comment on the murder of the Blue Fairy by ripping out her shadow, which is apparently how you can kill people, but which didn't kill Rumpelstiltskin when he cut his shadow out. Or the fact that the Blue Fairy was super rude to Tinker Bell even though she totally saved the day. Or the fact that Hook tried to sleep with Tinker Bell, which I think we all really wanted to happen. Imagine they're in throes of Neverland love, and all of a sudden her pixie dust starts to glow! Sex = Believing or something. Either way, it would have been way more interesting than watching a CG Medusa die by seeing her own reflection. Because we've seen that shit a million times.


And don't even get me started on the misuse of Pandora's Box. Yes Once, feel free to open that box as many times as you like willy-nilly no consequences at all. That is exactly how that box works.

Until next week, when let's hope Henry realizes he doesn't have an English accent.