The premiere of Once Upon A Time made a big splash in the new world of Neverland. And it also did a lot of really stupid crap that makes no sense. Oh well — let's watch the daughter of fairy-tale characters do pull-ups!

First up, many apologies for being late on this. I fell into a technological hellhole, that I still haven't really hoisted myself out of yet. But I'm back! And more importantly all of our favorite zany fairytale characters, who like to walk around and state exactly what emotions they are feeling, are back as well. Welcome, half formed human characters and fairytale freaks!


The new season is all about BELIEVING. Because there can be miracles when you believe! Or at least lots and lots of dirty lost boys who like to deliver their lines with sloooooooow pauses and laborious sentences. God we missed this show.

Ten seconds into the season premiere of Once Upon A Time, and this series is already flogging its favorite victim: ADOPTION. Emma is pushing out Henry, dainty wrist cleverly clipped to the bed with handcuffs. BECAUSE SHE'S IN JAIL, REMEMBER, YOU DOLTS? After some screams, out pops he who would become the most insufferable citizen of Storybrooke. Henry! The doctor cradles the baby, looks at Emma and acts all bewildered when Emma doesn't want to hold her newborn. Because he's never seen an adoption before.

And the fun doesn't stop there. After being told that Emma is adopting (because that's not the sort of thing anyone on the staff would know about the pregnant CONVICT in their hospital, the Doctor lays this one on her, "just so you know Emma, you can change your mind." EXCUSE ME WHAT? Who does this schmuck think he is? Remember people: Adoption is a never ending nightmare on ABC's Once. NEVER FORGET — ADOPTION BAD.

And just like that, I'm totally in the headspace to watch this ridiculous series again. I just needed to remember to check any sort of subtlety and logic at the door. All right, let's go to Neverland. Picking up right where we left off, we see Emma and friends zip zap zoom through a portal and into the waters of Neverland.

Everyone is upset because they didn't magically stumble upon Henry, and run around the deck screaming THIS IS NEVERLAND! Which is really hyping up the jungle island quite a bit. Rumpelstiltskin is so nervous that he changes into his bad ass dungarees. And can I just say non-crocodile skin Rumps in those clothes looks AWESOME. You are a badass motherfucker, and I love that you poofed away, leaving your cane on deck. Shit is about to go down in Neverland, Rumple style. In. So in.

Meanwhile Emma gets ready by doing pull ups. No really, she does pull ups below deck because she's "getting ready for a fight." Note to Emma, this is not a thing people do to ready themselves for magical islands full of danger. There is an endless list of other things she could be doing to get ready, other than pull ups.

Meanwhile back in the Enchanted Forrest Neal has magically healed from his GUN SHOT WOUND TO THE CHEST and is walking around with Mulan and Sleeping Beauty (who has a fabulous new hair style). This all gets a pass, because Neal looks like a puppy when he is scared and this appeals to me. Plus later on, he has some pretty good lines with Mulan about how she's been made into a movie. I laughed.


Back to Neverland! Henry and his kidnappers land on their island and just start spouting out random military-esque words without any thought process. Home Office! Mission Accomplished! The Communicator! You know you're in trouble when HENRY makes two adult characters look like a couple of morons. But the boy asks a good question, "if your plan is to get rid of magic... how do you plan on getting home?" Their answer is laughable, "We don't ask questions, we just believe in our cause." LOL, OK PAL.

No surprise here when the Lost Boys show up and RIP OUT Ethan Embrys shadow, thus killing him or something. Because if the writers aren't going to bother to lend any sort of credence to the whole "secret magic killing operative" conspiracy the next step was to bury this terrible plot like a cat turd on a beach.

Reboot! Magic haters gone, Peter Pan is in. I mean this kid, who is clearly NOT Peter Pan.

Then it's back to the boat. Emma, being really good at most things, flies into a rage and blames her parents for telling her to be a good person. Because fuck those guys. While totally out of left field, it was instantaneously satisfying for Emma to tell Snow and Charming that THEY ARE THE SAME AGE, AND WE HAVE EQUAL LIFE EXPERIENCE. Seriously, she's not wrong.


But then Snow and Charming pull out their ultimate weapon, ADORABLE HEAD TILT BLINKY FACE, and I side with the human deer people. Also what does Emma expect, should Snow have told Emma to murder everyone instead? And lets not pretend like Emma didn't spend the good half of last season playing Morality Police, literally.

But now it's time for Mermaids. Yada yada yada, the boat is attacked by Mermaids, and they escape by working together. No seriously.

Here's hoping this isn't the last mermaid we see. I know Ariel was cast for this season, and it's very important to me that she have red hair. This Merlady did not have red hair, so clearly she is not Ariel. Do you think Ariel could be evil? That would be most excellent. Ariel rips out Emma's spine as vengeance for her wooden mer-sister!


Rumps continues his journey looking for his grandson. Is in full bad-ass mode. Wasn't his girlfriend on this boat? Did I forget? Where did Belle go? Actually, both father and Son (Rumps and Neal) are in full "gonna get them back" attitude overdrive, and I am digging it. These guys are better with a mission.

Rumps meets up with Pan's lackey (after murdering Neal's fiance most cruelly — hooray) The Pan build-up is good. We all know Pan is clearly the kid with Henry — however, I am quite enjoying how everyone is name checking him as Pan, and the kid is TINY yet everyone is downright terrified of him. They should be, children are the worst. The absolute worst. And if you gave a 12-year-old absolute power, forget about it. Half of us would be dead already.

At some point we meet Robin Hood. He seems nice. Here's hoping he's not for Mulan, because Sleeping Beauty is for Mulan. The end.

Other things I noticed: Oh apparently you can say "bitch" on ABC, which is interesting. Also, Mulan may not be that smart — while they were in the Dark One's castle, she actually turned her nose at a seemingly innocuous old cane "how could that be magical" I'm sorry DO YOU LIVE IN THIS WORLD?


And that's about it. The first episode is really just to establish who is where, and how they are doing. Neal is fine after his gun shot and found magic pretty easily, so good for him. Hope he will join the gang on Lord of the Flies Planet soon. Even though Emma wailed that she couldn't be a mother during birth, her new superpower is MOTHERHOOD (no that's actually a thing she says) so that's growth I guess. And Rumps is 100% full time badass now, which I am so ready for. Fingers crossed, Pan can make up for throwing away an entire conspiracy plot from last season. So far, he actually could.

Until next week, always check your walkie talkies to makes sure they aren't full of sand!