Once Upon A Time is back — and don't worry, the long hiatus didn't make anyone or anything start acting rationally on this show. Nope, it's crazy-pants business as usual. Plus someone definitely boned a flying monkey!

Spoilers ahead...

Ok let's get this show on the road. Zip zap zoop — we're in the Enchanted Forest, following what's-his-face on a very important mission to getting some cheese. I'm not making a joke: Cheese is very important, and if I had a horse that took me to a cheese gazebo I would ride that horse every day. EVERY DAY.


And then whammo, the old Enchanted Forest gang are all back. They're looking for a place to go, and they decide, "Let's all live together in Snow White's old palace, whoopeee!" So let me get this straight: The curse can be revoked and return everyone back to the Enchanted Forest (in the exact clothes they were wearing at the time), and give Emma and her son fake memories and a new life — but it can't restore the castle? Methinks this is the curse of selective bullshit.

Meanwhile Aurora and her Bearded Life Mate are welcoming the characters back, but NOT REALLY. Immediately after wishing them well, the two mischievous scamps reveal that they are totally going to rat on their old friends to whatever mysterious character (Wicked Witch of the West) controls them. Which is pretty much against the Prince and Princess code to always be good all the time, and never do anything else. So shame on your guys. SHAME. SHAME. SHAME. GIVE US YOUR CHEESE AND GO.


Cut to "Our World" one year after the "We're Baaaack" Enchanted Forest scene. And we see Emma (and her massive guns) on a nice little date with some guy. Hook shows up and is all "It's totally normal to be wearing this outfit outside."


After handing off a note with an address on it (clearly Neil's New York Apartment) Hook vanishes and we go back to Emma's date. Which is absolutely terrible.

Emma's boyfriend reveals the circumstances of their first date ever, "Do you remember when I brought you here for lunch and you were being 'you' and then you ordered an ice cream sundae which wasn't on the menu?" EXCUSE ME WHAT? Just who the fuck do you think you are? You can't just go into any kitchen you want and demand ice cream. This is not how the world works. And if you were my date I would leave and stiff you with the bill, but not before handing a stack of 20s to the server for dealing with your silly little shit.

Good God, that is the most insufferable first date story I have ever heard, ever. Ever. But now we have to go on because her new boyfriend Wade or Walsh or Warren is proposing and we have to pretend like this is a real, feasible option for this character. LOL NO.


Emma then continues to be the best by returning home for mental counseling from her child. Parenting 101. Go on date, return and seek solace from your wiser-than-he-has-any-business-being child. Looks like Henry has finally hit puberty, but has yet to shed his "insufferable" outer shell yet. Oh Henry, the kid who exists to give voice to the emotions that characters on Once Upon A Time are feeling.

Back to Enchanted Forest, and Jiminy Cricket says other people are there. He also probably says, "I regret my older wish to be a bug. I was happy on Earth with my dog and my life and my medical practice. People had respect for me, now I'm not even wearing pants. Please, squish me."


Then all the fairy tale characters sit around in the forest telling each other to "give up" any of their hopes and dreams to get back to their loved ones in the real world. Which will definitely happen. If there's one thing this show does well, it's consistency. There is no WAY these guys will be back on Earth because, as they said in the mid-season finale and in this episode there is no WAY to get back. So that's that. The end.


Moving forward, obviously Emma figures things out, and obviously Hook just so happens to have a magic potion that undoes any sort of problematic plot issue that was set up in the cliffhanger, because this is how magic works on this show: To do whatever the hell writers don't want to bother themselves with.


Emma goes to break up with her boyfriend and SURPRISE, he sheds his disguise and turns into a Flying Monkey. Which means, EMMA HAS HAD SEX WITH A FLYING MONKEY. How many showers do you wind up taking after that reveal?

Let's see what else? The gang back in Enchanted Forest doesn't get too far, the Queen tries to bury her heart both metaphorically and literally because on this series ripping your heart out is a thing that happens rather frequently. Turns out the Wicked Witch is the culprit behind the flying monkeys, but you knew that already.


But what you DIDN'T know was that while we were in a flashback to the Enchanted Forest, the actual inhabitants from said forest were back in Storybrooke, because sets are expensive. Emma (now with her restored memory) high tails it back home and finds her parents. With their old haircuts and now pregnant! Because apparently that whole "we can never go back" shit... was shit. SIGH. Oh well back to Storybrooke, because that is where all the money went in production.

Glad to have the show back. Needs more Rumpelstiltskin.

And finally guys, Jennifer Morrison is a beautiful actress. It is wrong to put her in these clothes.