New Tween Drama Teaches Us That Tattoos Are For Ugly People

Illustration for article titled New Tween Drama Teaches Us That Tattoos Are For Ugly People

This is the most ridiculous movie we've ever heard of: It's got an Olsen playing a freaky Goth, a blind Neil Patrick Harris and magic! It's Beastly, and it's laughable. Also see the worst job interview, and more flying babies.


A rich socialite is super mean to his classmates, calling them ugly and so forth, and you know words hurt. But when he picks on the BIGGEST freak - the Goth girl Kendra, played by THE Mary-Kate Olsen - she turns him ugly. Because, as we all know, Goths have magical powers. Kendra turns the brat into everything he despises, which appears to be Nero from J.J. Abrams' Star Trek. Then he's banished to Brooklyn (yeah I know) and is taken in by blind tutor Neil Patrick Harris and a house keeper named LisaGay Hamilton. Forced to live in the horrible dreck that is Brooklyn, what with its fancy restaurants, organic markets, and boutiques, he encounters a drug addict and convinces him to let his daughter live with him, who is Vanessa Hudgens. And boom, Beauty and The Beast with a horrible twist is born. Sorry guys... Your Beast's ugly can't hold a candle to Mary-Kate's get up here...

Illustration for article titled New Tween Drama Teaches Us That Tattoos Are For Ugly People


The Exam
The new trailer for The Exam is out, and it's kind of like Battle Royale meets a job interview. It's pretty intense and marries the idea of what happens to people when left to their own devices, and one of the Saws. Check it out.

Eight talented candidates have reached the final stage of selection to join the ranks of a mysterious and powerful corporation. Entering a windowless room, an Invigilator gives them eighty minutes to answer one simple question. He outlines three rules they must obey or be disqualified: don't talk to him or the armed guard by the door, don't spoil their papers and don't leave the room. He starts the clock and leaves.

The candidates turn over their question papers, only to find they're completely blank...

Flying babies are taking over. Last week, we had a bird-armed toddler, and this week it's a winged baby. His name is Ricky and he is adorable. The director is François Ozon, and if it doesn't warm your heart you have a cold soul.


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You don't get it. Beastly, that is. He is living in Brooklyn. That place is covered in hipsters. HIPSTERS! People will be coming up to him and saying, "The scarred, ugly look, huh? That is so 90's passe. And Jim Rose did it so much better." The judging, man! The eye rolling! And then, and then they will force him to wear girl jeans that will be four sizes too small and make him listen to only obscure Norwegian bands that are lead by blind, albino midgets. And everything will be ironic! Everything!!!

The horror. The horror.