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New Scientific Quilt Saves Your Relationship From Blanket Farts, But Not Shame

Yes this is a real commercial for a real thing that exists: a blanket that protects you from your partners bed farts, with activated carbon fabric. It's called the The Better Marriage Blanket. Yeesh. [via Andrew Sullivan]


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What if the farter doesn't sleep under the comforter? Perhaps because the fartee steals it all like an unbelievably selfish bitch, huh? I mean, I'm not the one who insists the house be kept at fucking subzero temperatures! But, nooooooo, setting the thermostat to something above freeze-my-balls-off would kill thirty fucking penguins in Antaractica or some other environmentalist horseshit. So I play along, you steal the fucking comforter every single fucking night and still you complain about my farts and send me this *hilarious* link to io9 like you aren't suggesting that we need one ( just like that Beano that mysteriously appeared in the cupboard last year, uh?) but fuck you because it wouldn't work because my farts are open air, free range farts (so you should be all over them, just basking in their total fucking hippie naturaleness), wafting unencumbered in the fucking frigid night air. You deserve to smell my intestinal gas, baby; it's chemical warfare in response to your aggressive Anschluss of the fucking comforter, and I will not stop until you do what everyone else learns to do in fucking Kindergarten and share or at least let me keep the house at a livable fucking temperature. Jesus H. Christ, woman, is that too much to ask? Fuck.