Unlike thrillers of the Roland Emmerich vintage — wherein billions die in natural catastrophes but dogs always survive — the upcoming disasterpiece Metal Tornado makes no promises about your canines' health.
Why? Because it's a movie about a goddamn magnetic windstorm, and it's going straight to video-on-demand. Impressing you is not on Metal Tornado's agenda. This movie has nothing to lose, except $12.
Incredibly, Metal Tornado has been in production for more than two years. Art like this requires marination. Here's the synopsis for this surefire classic, which may occur entirely within Lou Diamond Phillips' brain:
When a ground-breaking industrial experiment goes awry, the energy overflow manifests into a deadly swirling magnetic field! Workers and scientists scramble for safety as it quickly overwhelms the plant. This magnetized funnel begins consuming anything metallic —growing in strength and shredding everything in its path. Street signs are ripped from the ground, cars flung across parking lots, grain silos uprooted...the tornado of swirling metal unleashes! Scientists, Steven Winters, Michael Edwards and Rebecca Adler, race against the clock to try to stop this extraordinary threat that continues to grow with every minute. They realize their only way to stop this storm of destruction could ultimately be catastrophic, but they have no other choice.
Metal Tornado is out on VOD May 8 and DVD May 22. That's ample time for the market to be flooded with imitators, such as the straight-to-Tijuana-Bible Cupric Cyclone and the diner menu short story Ferric Typhoon.